Emotional Violence in Our Communities

There is something I hear very little about in our politicized queer communities, in all of our talk about physical and sexual violence, as well as accountability and healing. It is the invisible dirty secret nobody seems willing to address, and yet it pervades our interactions with each other, how we conduct our politics, how we offload shame from ourselves onto each other and perpetuate cycles of violence and harm: emotional violence.

Emotional violence can be described as all of the non verbal and verbal ways in which we inflict harm upon another. Tactics made to instil fear, dominance, control, to erase the autonomy and will, needs and feelings of another and to supplant with one's own. Tactics meant to penalize and degrade, that are often insidiously difficult to address because of the lack of physical bruise or scarring left behind but which cause damage and distress in people nonetheless, and which can have a tremendous effect on one's ability to cope and function. If you google emotional violence (EV) you will see very standard descriptions of what this may look like and how it may manifest in intimate partner relationships. You may even find some literature and resources specific to queer and trans relationships. What you won't find, is a thorough guide to naming and understanding the nature of emotional violence and its impacts. You won't even find this in child abuse literature.

Perhaps this lack of information on how to name and identify EV is why we rarely address its harms in our communities. It goes without saying that I am writing this from my own narrow perspective of generational immigrant east/western european norms, and I dare not say that my understanding of emotional violence is applicable to all communities. EV and harm may look very different depending on what community one is from and what the norms are for emotional expression in that community. I will leave it up to you to speak on your own behalf of your understanding of what is emotionally violent. What I can offer, is an understanding from my own background, of how I view emotional violence and perhaps it will resonate with you in your own understanding of healing, community building and accountability.

In my family context, emotions were never directly expressed on my father's side. He was a product of the war in Germany in many ways and had learned to bottle up all emotions and convert them into rage, silent or otherwise. My mother was always far more emotive and expressive. I do not know if this is representative of her Balkan heritage but the volume of her voice regardless of her emotional state never falls below what I consider to be mild yelling. Within this context, piled and layered with copious familial stress, severe mental illness of two family members, ableism and a lack of resources for supporting a child with profound physical and intellectual disabilities, created a toxic environment for dealing with distress, in which emotional violence was often the result.

A year after I had stopped speaking to my father (another story altogether), one day my 13 year old self was playing with my best friend in the basement when I acquired a moderately severe injury. I had used our half finished washroom and not realizing my father had placed his toolbox at the edge of the bathroom door, when I excitedly flung the door open to run back to my friend I tripped on the sharp edge causing a thick chunk of my skin, flesh, and fatty tissue to be exposed to the bone beneath. I held my soggy bloodied shin in my hands and crawled crying up the stairs to poke my head for some assistance. My father lay on the couch and my mother was nowhere in sight. I hesitated and kept my face half below the living room floor and asked my father for a bandaid and told him what happened. Without missing a beat he told me to "shut the fuck up, YOU BITCH."

This one memory holds salient in my veins. It is compounded by memories of an innocent 6, 8, 10, 11, 13, 17, 21 ... 35 year old who for no discernible reason would experience periods of abrupt rage filled explosions and silence and shutting out from my father for periods of days, to years. One minute I was his buddy - a substitute son at times. The next, I was dead to him. I had no clue what I had done to provoke this.

When you grow up in an environment such as this, many things can happen, the least of which being an acquired sensitivity to the many ways that violence and harm can be inflicted and stay forever embedded in thick strands of scar tissue on your heart, mind and soul. Years of therapy can never erase the impacts of a parent or caregiver deliberately, suddenly, and cruelly shutting their child out. In order to maintain any sense of order at all a child in such a situation determines unconsciously what is needed in order to emotionally protect themselves and cope. This will look different for everybody, and perhaps sometimes the same. But what I had learned from a young age was that the interactions we have with each other, whether in passing or in relationship, can greatly impact our health, hearts and functioning.

Many of us in queer community hold a lifetime of unnamed interpersonal violence in our bones. We struggle to validate our experiences in their entirety, while forever managing ourselves and our emotional lives in connection with others. We may be more or less aware of the impacts, and have more or less insight on our mal/adaptive and preferred coping strategies and how they play out in our interactions with others. We may continuously be drawn to, re-experience, and re-invoke situations in which we are emotionally triggered and react in self protective ways that spill harm onto others. Compounded with transphobia, homophobia, racism, ableism, misogyny, the legacy of residential schools, genocide, and poverty, and a whole array of systems-based harms and traumas - we carry amongst us the ingredients to perpetually re-live and redistribute the harms we have encountered in our lives.

We may find ourselves going through cycles and circles of friends, lovers and pockets of community. We may feel helpless and enraged on a continuing basis when the same harms continue to surface amongst us. We may feel that our politics and language allow us to speak provocatively and expressively about the nuances of community building and accountability all the while covering up the harms we perpetuate amongst each other. We work in fields of violence. We support others in their experiences of violence. And we enact violence on each other in sophisticated ways that go unnamed, unaddressed, and unaccounted for. They may even be endorsed as good politics. The politics of shaming ourselves and others in our communities. The politics of righteousness.

But what is left unaddressed is a focus on the genuine healing interactions that are so needed they are foundational to actually building a community with one another. You cannot speak of community nor accountability while neglecting, divesting, or harming your personal relationships or navigating social relations in ways which undermine, exclude and harm others.

What I would like to call attention to are the myriad ways we offload our shame and rage onto each other. When we refuse to take accountability for how we address each other, approach each other, speak to each other, acknowledge each other, exclude and demonize each other without trial or process, we are perpetuating cycles of violence. We can no longer claim immunity. There are no discreet lines between perpetrator and victim. Anyone can enact harm on another at any time, all the while performing amazing acts of compassion and non violent intervention in the rest of their everyday lives. When we allow our experiences of harm to govern our interactions with others in ways that preemptively shame, exclude and punish, we are participating in emotional violence. We are carrying our legacies forward.

How do we avoid this? There are no easy answers. But I do believe each of us must commit to doing our own personal work around our own healing. We must seek whatever personal and social resources we can muster to do so. We must commit to a reflexivity of evaluating our own emotional states, responses, triggers, and ways of communicating that forever checks, pauses, and diffuses the desire to operate from a place of reactive pain and suffering and to legitimize one's behaviour as not having an emotionally harmful impact on those you interact with, whether casually or intimately. This is not to say that we must abandon self protection. If one has experienced harm by another in or outside of our communities, we can limit the ways we interact with that person so that we do not continue to expose ourselves to harm. We can be protective of ourselves in ways that are fair and do not enact processes which effectively result in character assassinations. We can support each other in ways that provide much more room for feeling the impacts of our conflicts and harms while allowing for space for each party to come together with support to figure out ways of raising awareness, restoring ourselves, and recovering from the impact of harms.

If we are truly to address healing in our communities, if we really would like to invest in our collective health and functioning, we can no longer look to intellectualizing the notion of anti-oppression in our politics. We cannot rely on our ability to cite terminology to excuse the ways in which we justify the perpetuation of shaming and social exclusion amongst each other. But most of all, we need to get real honest with ourselves about what harming each other actually means and looks like.

For a valuable introduction to this topic read "The Revolution Starts at Home."

My Dick is a Pussy

My thoughts have been preoccupied of late.

I was having a conversation with my talented girlfriend the other night about the courses we take in life. She was talking about the value of choices which lead to a particular struggle, and the importance of the knowledge that comes when one's spirit is formed around that struggle.

It got me to thinking about my own life choices, particularly around engendering myself in my early years and how I've chosen to express (supress) my gender for the bulk of my life. And, I came to the conclusion that my choices around attempting to perform an empowered femininity and femaleness have, over the course of my lifetime, actually been necessary in forming my conceptualization of what it means to inhabit maleness and manhood. Simply put, I wouldn't be the type of 'man' I am today if I hadn't walked the path of feminine girl and womanhood. Those choices which I have previously felt were an acquiescence of my being and my soul, which have cumulatively felt like a betrayal of my trans masculinity and boyhood, have served a very important purpose of maintaining the ferocity of a gentle spirit informed solely by what it means to live as a pussy centered being.

That's right. My pussy has informed my manhood. Growing up and walking through the world trying with every cell of my molecular being to claim my femaleness as my own despite what has been assigned to me, has meant that I have a deep appreciation for the power of femininity, womanhood, physical embodiment and what it means to carry the weight of misogyny and sexism on my body and in my soul. I am now embracing my choice to try for so many years to make my femaleness work for me, because it has given me the gifts of a struggle of living in the world in a way that I never could have, had I expressed my transmasculinity consistently throughout. I had to carve space for the kind of being I wanted to become, but that being was purely informed by my ownership of my wholeness as a complicated female subject. Every choice I've made about how to transition and how to move through the world now gendered as male, has been lit by the fire of my battle with patriarchy as a female subject.

I am not cock identified, I am pussy identified. Even my dick is a pussy.

Men are consistently, implicitly, and overtly rewarded every second of their lives for performing stereotypically masculine aggressive behaviours. They are constantly under threat of being perceived as pussies. This is evident in homophobia and transphobia. Men who take up space, who take over space at others' expense, who consistently play into the legitimization of their own power by the choices they make in terms of how they dress, walk, emobody themselves physically, emotionally, and in how they non verbally interact with others, will always be validated in terms of their manhood in everyday life. We see this in gay male communities where Butchness is rewarded and Femmeness degraded and devalued. We see this carried over into trans male communities in terms of the stereotypical narratives, understandings of gender, and ways of displaying masculinity that have taken precedence and gone unchallenged. Trans men who enact these masculinities and behave badly are rarely held to task by their brothers or siblings, and continue to reap the rewards of admiration and desire for this masculinity. The same can be said for traditional Butch masculinities in queer women's spaces.

I don't believe in the state of being or having a pussy as a receptive, submissive, bottomy, failure. I don't worry about the huge gap between my thighs as waiting to be filled with a symbol of my empowerment for me to swing forth and clobber those around me with. I don't need to widen my stance, throw my head back, swagger like a cowboy, or dominate others, especially queer Femme women, to embolden my manhood. I have a cock but it is surely outweighed by the power of my pussy. This power of the pussy is something more men could benefit from intimately understanding within their own being. My strength in my gender is informed by my absence of *true maleness* as a categorical biological necessity, and by my rejection of patriarchal manhood.

I am my own man. And my pussy will swallow you whole.

In the Eye of the Beholder

For the past two years, I have seen my evolution in the eyes of others reflected back at me in ways that I can only make meaning of as enlightening, and disturbing. My trajectory into being read as a male subject has been, shall we say....interesting.

There seem to be at least two distinct things going on here: 1) being read as a 'str8, masculine, able-bodied, white man' and, 2) being increasingly read as an effeminate, gay, able-bodied, white, male. The latter has been increasingly made known to me by the regularity with which I have been approached or shouted (even spat) at with terms such as "pretty boy faggot," regardless of which city or context I am in. Here at home in Toronto, and abroad, it seems that my presentation as a male subject has taken a turn from acceptance at perceived/assigned manhood, to being degraded for my perceived femininity. I will touch on the latter, momentarily.

Early on in my transition, I became aware that folks that did not know me, particularly what I perceived to be heteronormative, straight, masculine, men, had drastically shifted their reception of me. Being perceived initially, and now only some of the time as a hetero-masculine, straight subject resulted in noticeable changes socially and interpersonally, resulting in my absorption into the Western-Anglo patriarchal system.

I noticed something had changed when men started touching me. Strangers. The kind of men who would generally react in hostility or indifference to my very presence as what they read to be a butch female person, previously. Suddenly, these men started to see me as "one of their own." These times that I am perceived to be "one of the boys," are very confusing to me.

From inhabiting a visibly genderqueer, butch expression, I had been accustomed to being pushed to the margins in terms of human interaction in everyday life. When you are read as a gender non-conforming "woman," you are treated in a very particular way. From my experience, as someone that inhabited an uncommonly muscular, male-ish physique, wearing tattoos, and shaved/close cropped haircuts and "men's" clothing while not passing as male, it was regularly assumed that I was de facto, an aggressive person. My masculinity was read to be hostility directed outwards at society, particularly at men. I'm sure many theses have been written on why this is so, and I have my own interesting thoughts relating to this subject. Being read as a hostile subject by way of my gender presentation most people would interact with me with a pre-emptive defensive, or aggressive communication. Otherwise, silence, staring, or disregard were the norm in everyday life.

Since then, as I have come into my self as a more visible male-appearing subject, the expression that I previously embodied as butch, temporarily landed me in the category of 'masculine man.' This is not how I identify, it is simply how I was perceived. When strangers, especially men, first set their gaze upon me in this new shell they tended to see a reflection of themselves. Oddly, the qualities that make up my person have always been centered around gentleness, compassion, and a reluctance to take up space; to be more the silent observer, or the background organizer. Having been perceived as a gender transgressor previously, had unwittingly placed me in the cross hairs of most people's narrow views. A subject of unwanted attention and scorn.

This was then flipped to an unearned place of approval, and esteem. Men who would have previously felt threatened by my very presence, instinctively placed their hands on my body as signs of acceptance and comraderie. They engaged and started conversations and small talk with me around whatever it was that was on their minds. They looked at me. They assumed and imbued my person with an unearned respect and validity that I rarely experienced from very few, sensitive, and aware, mostly queer men. In essence, they let their guard down around me and invited me into a realm of space that prioritizes my opinions, experience, and voice.

Interactions with cisgender straight women also shifted momentarily. From similary hostile, distancing, and strained relations previously, I was prioritized as a subject worthy of taking up unearned space. My presence drew immediate attention and validation, as well as responsiveness. If I wanted something, I barely had to ask for it to get it. Again, I am thinking of everyday interactions and transactions that one makes from travelling through the world. I was presumed to be knowledgeable, powerful, capable, and worthy. I was expected to be aggressive and given permission and acceptance for stereotypical male behaviours around aggressiveness, particularly objectification of women.

I have noticed in either case of interactions with cis men or women, my perceived white maleness signalled to them that I should be prioritized and respected. I do not believe this male privilege can be extracted from my whiteness, and the racial hierarchy that validates and gives power to white, male subjects, specifically. Brown and Black identified trans men, or transmasculine subjects I am sure, suffer from a whole new form of degradation vis a vis processes of racialization and racism as men that are probably difficult to discern from any gender based masculine privileges they may accrue.

This state of affairs of assigned masculine male privilege, though, has been confounded by an ever increasing perception of my person as a feminine male subject. I am pondering on why this has changed, and I believe that since I am now passing for male nearly 100% of the time, I no longer hold myself in the same way physically and expressively that I did while being read as a butch female. I have loosened up and come into a restful relationship with myself and this is taken as femininity. Being read as male has guaranteed that I don't have to keep up any kind of energetic hyper vigilance at proving, creating or asserting a perception of maleness in the face of my contrary appearance.

Now that I have settled into being read as male, I do all the things that I had learned to stop doing before, that come naturally to me. I make eye contact. I tend to look directly at men and women when I speak to them. I look to them preemptively to make connections, visually. I speak softly and expressively. I laugh with a giddy squeak and cry openly. I don't take up much physical space (I am 5'6", 145lbs). If one were to glance at me in comparison to most cis males I would probably be placed in the smallish category. I don't have rugged skin or facial hair, or other socially construed signifiers of maleness such as baldness. My voice is not very deep. The muscular physique that I had as a female is now obscured by notions of my smallness (and significantly, shortness) in stature as a male. I don't do things to physically take up more space in terms of my posture, way of speaking, or choice of dress. I don't hyperexaggerate my masculinity like many short small straight men in order to be "man enough." In fact, my masculine dress preferences, which while read as a butch female signalled gender transgression, are now viewed as gay or flamboyant (fluorescent colours, close fitted jeans and shirts.)

I believe all of these things, coupled with a sense that I am now read as a "pretty," non-rugged male, and hints of womanly femininity that the observer has no clue the source of - have created a situation where I am now obsurdly faced with the opposite side of the misogyny coin - a not so distant cousin of the transmisogyny that trans women face. I pass as male. Yet, I am read as an uncommonly feminine subject, energetically and physically - despite not presenting with androgynous or genderqueer clothing selections. This assigned femininity which I am now mostly experiencing, means that I am once again avoided, diminished, or disregarded non-verbally. It means I am subjected to threats based on my physical gendered appearance. My voice is no longer given priority, my person no longer assigned the same validity of space as hetero-masculine maleness in most contexts. If the reader is confused by this turn of events, imagine my mindset!

All of this, while confusing in terms of the unspoken interactions with others vis a vis my own internal stability and core traits, has got me thinking about the "pull to manhood." As a male subject, having all of the aforementioned experiences, I can definitely see why cis men, especially, are pulled to perform a very particular, aggressive, rigid masculinity that proves they are indeed man enough. If I was a sensitive, soft, straight, cis man, I am quite sure I would have experienced a lifetime of bullying and homophobia as a result of this patriarchal call to uphold masculinity. I wonder how many male subjects answer this call by stifling their softness, their vulnerability, their emotiveness, and their capacity to relate gently to others as a result of this crushing pull.

I wonder at the psychological, emotional, and relational costs to men in giving up a natural way of being that contravenes masculine norms.

The Psychology of Whiteness: Checking Yourself

As someone who navigates the world with the privilege of whiteness, I continue to puzzle over what exactly it is, that functions as a barrier to openness and learning around issues of race as they impact people systemically, and individually. I feel like one of the biggest stumbling blocks for white folks to address racism and work on our allyship with indigenous peoples and folks of colour, is held within the ego. The act of (active) denial, specifically, of racism, seems to be a reinforcing mechanism in whiteness that continually erases and shuts down learning and sensitivity to experiences and realities that do not conform to one's own experiences of access and advantage.

One can only suppose that the function of denial, in such moments, is to protect the fragile ego from the knowledge of complicity (allowing and enabling) racism, either directly or indirectly. In other words, the shame at discovering one has a responsibility they have been neglecting in addressing racism in daily life, coupled with the knowledge of the impact on those who face those very experiences, becomes overwhelming. One then actively takes steps to deny the reality of others so as not to feel a responsibility towards that suffering and grief - even those who may be friends, family, or even partners. There are many excuses that folks who benefit from systems privileging whiteness come up with when faced with the task of being sensitive to the experiences of race and cultural genocide as told by indigenous peoples and folks of colour. We all read and see and hear these excuses all the time. They usually take the form of something like this....

a) Racism does not exist
b) systemic Racism does not exist
c) I do not enact Racism on an individual level either consciously or otherwise
d) I (as an individual) am not responsible for systems of Racism
e) I (as a "white" person) do not receive special benefits because I also experience oppression
f) My feelings are hurt for being Racist.

I want to take a moment to build on the conversations that are happening around accountability and challenging systemic power systems that continually produce traumas and inequities and create a racialized other. I know this knowledge is held in the experiences of people of colour and indigenous folks and that what I am about to write already exists in those knowledges. I am simply hopeful that it can provide another digestible format for understanding and beginning to dismantle these systems.

I think many white folks are afraid or discouraged to engage with anti-racism for fear of doing it wrong, or being wrong, and the subsequent shame around this. But, the fact of the matter is, dismantling systems of power over others which one may inadvertently be a part of and unconsciously help prop up does not take much effort at all. It takes humility. And, a desire to be a responsible human being who is invested in their own and others' personal growth and healing.

A lot of the work that folks with privilege and access can do could possibly be summed up in the following script:

1) Listen up!
2) Be Supportive!
3) Check Yourself!
4) Stand up!

Does this sound difficult? Let's break it down a bit.

1) Listen Up!

This means pay attention! Pay attention to all the information that is conveyed by those with lived experiences of being racialized and the impacts of this. This means seeking out information as much as possible on your own and not asking people with those experiences to teach you. You can become informed simply by paying attention, being sensitive, and actively listening to people's experiences when they choose to speak about them. You can also do your own internet research; seek out blogs by folks writing about these issues; go to bookstores or libraries that carry books on the subjects of white privilege, racism, racialization, colonization etc. Acting with entitlement that folks of colour and indigenous people teach you, is a way that you increase the emotional toll on folks already dealing with oppression in daily life. A simple way you can act responsibly is to do your own learning, continually, and PAUSE, STEP BACK, LISTEN and PROVIDE SPACE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT when folks do choose to speak to you about it.

2) Be Supportive!

Essentially, being supportive means validating experiences of racism and racialization. It means that when you are so lucky as to be part of a conversation in which someone shares their own or another's experience of racism, whether it be on a systemic or individual level, you do not argue whether or not that person experienced what they - in fact, experienced. In arguing, you are seeking to diminish and deny said experience. When someone experiences trauma or violence, the listener's duty is to ensure that the person sharing feels safe enough to continue to share. Being supportive means affirming the weight of experiences of racism and the contexts which provoke them. It means honouring the individual or people for sharing this information with you. It also means vowing to disrupt those actions which feed into experiences of race based trauma and inequity in whichever ways one can, particularly, challenging other white folks to stop speaking and listen.

Which leads to the next point...and perhaps, the most psychologically loaded.

3) Check yourself!

Check your defensiveness. If you are feeling uncomfortable at the possibility of others' experiences of racism - YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK. Listen to that discomfort. Sit with it. Breathe it into your gut, and reflect on the knowledge that this experience is not your own, not about your pain at discovery - and is amplified beyond measure for those actually experiencing racial oppression. Defensiveness may come with the panic of knowing that one has been ignorant to the struggles of others, and feeling helpless in one's power at making changes to alleviate those struggles.
When you acknowledge your discomfort at hearing or learning about racism, you invite the possibility of empowering yourself and others to change these systems. Take a moment to be silent and reflect and resist the urge to speak and insert your experiences or feelings.

4) Stand up! One of the biggest traps of having white privilege is feeling like you can't do anything about it. When we feel like we cannot do things to alleviate unequal power systems based in racial hierarchies (in this instance), we give up opportunities to change those very systems. We allow these systems to continue, unaddressed. We delay and derail the very work that is possible in changing ill systems - enlightening ourselves, and challenging others to do so as well. Change is preceded by acknowledgement. By taking a stand that supports and provides space for the experiences of others and actively challenges denial and silencing of those experiences - we create the opportunity for mass movement. A simple way to stand up is to start affirming the experiences of indigenous folks and people of colour, and start challenging your white friends around their own denial of these experiences.

Checking one's self involves self reflection. It means humbling ones self in accepting the knowledge that one can take action to do the personal work necessary to disrupt systems of inequity that silence and erase others. This means working through the guilt experienced in acknowledging unequal advantages received for whiteness.... and ensuring that guilt does not act to deny and invalidate experiences of racism. A deliberate lifelong commitment to checking one's defensiveness, being sensitive to and affirming other's experiences can begin to challenge the unearned advantages one receives for being white in oppressive systems.

Checking yourself opens you to the possibility of moving away from helplessness, and into action.

Trans Bodies, Cis Power

No cis (non-trans) person should ever critique the power dynamics of a trans person’s body.

Digest that.

If you wanna talk power and privilege we need to refocus the lens, just a lil bit.

Whose gaze scrutinizes trans bodies?

Whose words shut down trans lives and possibilities for embodiment?

Whose norms dictate there can only be two sexes, two genders, two bodies, and two qualities – masculine or feminine?


I have lived thirty-four plus years struggling to carve out a place of survival for a body I feel most comfortable with. That includes thirty plus years living as a girl, tom/boy, dyke, woman, and butch, who picked up weights at age 8. That includes being degraded for touching a basketball. It includes being taunted for throwing a football. It includes being assaulted for enjoying sports at all. I literally had to fight my way through my elementary school years just so I could participate in activities I enjoyed, and it includes giving up most sports at all over my lifetime due to gender segregation.

It meant having my gender questioned, and being the subject of misogyny for developing strength, and muscularity. It meant going through high school being scrutinized as less than a girl, less than a woman, and being deemed not worthy of dating or being in the realm of possibility for desire. It meant being ridiculed for not simply being “ugly” as in fatphobia, but attacked on a daily basis psychologically, emotionally, and verbally as an adult for challenging what it means to be a man or a woman. It meant being excluded from most service jobs and employment based in feminine norms. It meant being threatened with physical assault so many times I lost count. I am lucky my shouting back has staved off attacks.

I have dated queer women with rad politics whose words have delayed my decision to embody my self wholly, by years. I have been subject to lesbian norms that fetishize breasts and possess butch bodies, all the while de-crying the terrible impact and burden on cis lives and identities of the possibility of transness. I am lucky to have created a space for myself at all, to make decisions that support my body, my health, and my wholeness.

And now, I inhabit myself fully and am told consistently that my body reminds queer women of a rapist. That being athletic and muscular is simply a facet of masculine privilege. That I am simply perpetuating male dominance and patriarchy by developing a body I feel most okay with. License is taken freely, to degrade my body, yet again. I am told I must cultivate guilt for walking through the world in this new body, and that I must wear on my sleeve and repent for on a daily basis. And, I see trans guys feeding the mill with uninformed comments repeating the degradation of my body, my choices – from guys who have not walked through the world surviving a lifetime of gender freakishness specific to a body considered too athletic, too muscular, too masculine.

There are ways to hold individuals accountable for the abusive behaviors they perpetuate without painting all masculine presenting trans people with the same brush as cis men, and with the same erasing lens that guesses at gender identity, and experience. There are ways to talk about cultivating new masculinities that disrupt traditional power dynamics, and acknowledge the huge disparity in access and privilege gained from passing as a white male without glossing over all the experiences of racism of trans men of colour that undermine their masculinity. I can’t even begin to comment on the psychic and physical violence trans women have endured around their embodiment from all facets of queer community as well as the rest of society.

Discussions can be had that challenge insight, awareness, and gentleness in ways that do not reproduce transphobic attacks on our lives and do not dichotomize gender, yet again, as masculinity vs. femininity.

I challenge us to do better.

Supporting Our Sisters

I recently came across this post on feministing by JOS entitled: "Enough With 'I Date Women and Trans Men'."

I feel like the author is asking, again, for queer cis and trans folks to question the source of our attractions and why certain exclusions of trans women as objects of desire happen in our so-called progressive queer commmunities.

I've written about this as well, and I do think it is a reasonable question to ask oneself why one may exclude trans women out of their dating pool if they profess an attraction to the grand nebulous group "women."

Where I got thrown in the article was when the author started essentializing trans men as binary male subjects with One Universal Experience and speaking for us and our partners. Not okay.

But, what I find interesting in all this is What Do We Do Now? Transmisogyny exists, FACT. It exists in cis normative society, and in the most progressive of queer spaces. So what now? How do I become an ally to the cause of rooting out transphobia that trans women and trans women of colour, specifically, face in our communities, while supporting a process of reconciliation and consciousness raising that doesn't place me in a trap of exerting male or masculine privilege in questioning women's desires?

What I don't find helpful, and indeed, find particularly damaging in witnessing attempts at allyship of trans/masc/male ppl almost inevitably with white privilege - are the broad sweeping statements made about trans men in comparison to trans women. Statements and assumptions are lobbed in an attempt to show how easy the lives of trans men are compared to trans women. How much cache or status we gain. How desireable we become. How we all obviously identify as male. Or how we all passed since we were 6 and so, therefore, received early affirmation and didn't experience girlhoods or female socialization.

Wait a second, say what?

To assert how much candy trans men get when they graduate to passing is not a simple statement. Doing so ERASES the racism and lack of privilege trans masc ppl and trans men of colour experience. It ERASES the experience of all trans men who do not pass nor wish to pass. It erases the experiences of disabled trans men. It erases the experiences of older (than 24) trans men who did not grow up in a magical fairyland where gender variety or indeed trans even existed as a thing. It erases the experiences of rural trans people. It erases the experiences of anyone who has a non linear identity path, who id'd as a tomboy, butch, genderqueer, woman, lesbian, two-spirit, non-binary, etc., or who still does.

In short, when white trans men stand up under the guise of supporting our trans sisters and do so by engaging in public acts of flagellation of themselves and others, we do NOTHING to help our sisters remove barriers and stigma, nor honour the diversity of experiences among us. We perpetuate the erasure of intersections of oppression. We succeed in looking self righteous without providing any tangible answers.

How about this:

1.) Talk about and promote knowledge of the stigma trans women face and the rigid standards of beauty placed upon them.

2.) Talk about and raise consciousness of the lack of safe, inclusive spaces for trans women in our own communities.

3.) Address stigma and transphobia head on when it happens and be there for our sisters whenever they need us.

4.) Try our best not to exert masculine privilege in speaking for trans women or appropriate experiences of marginalization or oppression of trans women.

5.) Consider our own biases in terms of how we see trans women. Address our own transphobia and discomfort if it exists, as well as dating choices.

6.) Read and reference Julia Serrano, A LOT.

7.) Link to other resources that succinctly speak about transmisogyny.

8.) Do our own research, readings, introspection, and awareness raising of the issues trans women may specifically face.

9.) Be available to emotionally support our trans sisters.

10.) Listen. A lot. Specifically to our trans sisters.

The Traps (and tropes) of Manhood: Eating Our Own

As a trans person who does not identify with manliness - whatever that means - I am finding it interesting how my newfound perceived masculinity - based largely on changes to my physical appearance, is being ever associated with the worst aspects of cis normative, hetero-patriarchal privilege.

I find it ironic that my experience of coming into my body in the most comfortable way for me, has taken my experience from being invisible and erased, to now completely being misread. I also find it disheartening that my behaviour, and indeed my entire person, is often reduced to stereotypes of manhood, whether they be "pleasant," good intentioned, or negative.

This indeed, is a product of cis privilege.

I repeat: reducing trans identified people to a cis gender stereotype, is a product of copious amounts of cis privilege.

As usual, I can only speak from my experience as a trans/masculine, soft, somewhat effeminate person... with white, able-bodied privilege, and (currently) middle class upward mobility. I know that the experience of being read as a white male in mainstream society comes with a whole whack of access, courtesies, and privileges, even if I am largely read as a queer male, and mis-read as a "man" identified person. I very much appreciate the perspectives and unique experiences of visibly genderqueer folk, trans women, and masculine id'd folks of colour in terms of the precarious and troubling implications associated with their presentations and transitions, as the case may be.

What is troubling to me, in the case of my own experience of transformation (becoming me), are the amount of assumptions made about my gender id that are directly related to my appearance - by cis str8 and cis queer folks alike. In fact, ironically, I tend to feel more validated by my cis str8 friends at the moment than by some in queer circles in terms of understanding and seeing the difference in my gender identity, presentation, and history, from that associated with patriarchal cis maleness and privilege. I think one of the key issues for me, recently, aside from all the narrow assumptions queer cis (and many trans) people seem to make about "transition" and assumptions based on physical appearance (that physical appearance must match internal identity, and that this internal identity can only be understood in terms of patriarchal masculinity) - is negation of individual experiences in time and space.

For example, I have been hearing a lot about how transguys are "so desirable" and how we "take up so much space" in community and online. This, again, can be interpreted to mean *white* trans men, which is, in fact, true. I certainly do not take issue with the fact of trans men with white privilege being much more visible in terms of emerging trans male culture, and thankfully projects like the STUD magazine, and Brown Boi Project amongst others, are taking up rightful space for masculine of center folks of colour (and I look forward to seeing more projects and representation). But, what I take issue with is the assumption that trans men or transmasculine folk being perceived as desirable is an issue. This comment is often framed as "trans men are more desirable than trans women, butches, genderqueers." Oftentimes, this resentment at the desirability of trans men is lobbed by cis queer women - the same cis queer women who want to date and fuck trans men.

I have several issues with this complaint of the desirability of trans men vis a vis other gender presentations in our communities: 1) This assumes that trans men are undeserving of a space of desirability and that we are responsible for the desirability placed on us.... if trans men are the subject of increased desire by cis queer women and some trans women (I do not hear this complaint from trans-fag, or cis queer, gay or bi male identified folks)- what exactly are trans men expected to do about this? 2) Trans men/masculine folk have only recently had any cultural space and visibility, let alone one of desire; 3) the privileging of masculine visibility in queer spaces is subject to time, space, social location and history. For example, queers in urban centers may feel their trans male community has been around taking up space forever, but for many of us trans guys/people, we had zero space of reference for our identities in the contexts we came of age in over the life span. Let me repeat: ZERO. We have lived invisible lives, many of us stifling our identities into the depths of abyss just to live another day... having only recently been able to perceive that being a trans male(ish) person was a possibility at all and not a figment of our imaginations for another lifetime!

So, to hear constantly from those in our communities that we are "taking up so much space" I am challenging the mainly cis folks who are throwing this statement out there, what exactly this means in terms of going from spaces of invisibility, to having a space of affirmation and validation, and celebration? Can we problematize this critique, just a little bit? Can we expand this discussion to look at the ways in which WE ALL should have spaces of affirmation, desire, validation and celebration, and not just feel resentment at those of us who, for the moment, achieve it, instead of constantly eating our own?

If stigmatization of trans women is a huge issue in our communities, can we talk about this without constantly shaming and bashing trans men? If shitty/aggressive/dominating behaviour is an issue for some of us trans masculine folk, can we talk about this without reducing ourselves to stereotypes of cis men? And, can we also address the cis normative assumptions that are placed on trans people, namely that our exteriors must match our interiors, and that our histories and realities can be non-linear and incredibly complex?

Can we actually deal with the issue of privileging whiteness in these spaces we take up and make this a large part of our work, again, without reducing trans guys to stereotypes of patriarchal masculinity?

Medical Gatekeeping: Assumptions Re: Gender/Transition

Trans health care is an evolving practice, and as such, the assumptions which drive decision making and access to, or withholding of medical options for transition must be scrutinized. The current model of restricted access, psychiatrization of gender identity, and some aspects of protocols for assessing readiness for trans health care are laden with the following cis-normative assumptions:

1. That all trans people feel they were “born in the wrong body.”

2. That there are two genders: male and female, man and woman.

3. That man/male/masculine and woman/female/feminine must go together.

4. That trans women will necessarily id as feminine.

5. That trans men will necessarily id as masculine.

6. That each trans person “knew something was wrong” from birth.

7. That trans people have a coherent, linear narrative in terms of discovering and exploring their gender id: ie) “born in the wrong body” -> desire to “cross dress” from an early age -> “play” preferences appropriate to “opposite” gender -> heterosexual identity (ie. Trans men attracted to women and trans women attracted to men) -> experience largely of suffering and suicidality -> unbearable dysphoria -> transition to “opposite” gender.

8. That dysphoria is an inherent disconnect between the body and mind (spirit), and is entirely separate from societal notions imposing meaning on bodies.

9. That meaning imposed societally on bodies and how they are seen (*read) is an invalid reason for seeking changes.

10. That Trans ppl must display no ambivalence in the transition process.

11. That Trans ppl must have successfully reconciled their ambivalence prior to transitioning.

12. That transition means a desire to “become a woman” or “become a man” and cross over to an “opposite” gender.

13. That all trans people seek medical transition.

14. That medical transition is the only way to legitimate a trans identity and that individuals must be seeking ALL surgical options as well as hormonal options in order to be approved/seen as their chosen gender.

15. That trans or gender variant identities are “disordered” and in need of “treatment.”

16. That the psychiatrization of trans and gender variant experience is not a significant cause of mental health issues, depression, anxiety, systemic trauma and suicidality.

17. That the gender assessment process is not a magnified microcosm of societal transphobia.

18. That trans women must be able to “pass” as cis women.

19. That trans men don’t wear dresses or makeup.

20. That active substance use must be dealt with prior to starting hormones or approving surgery.

21. That homelessness should rule out approval for hormones or surgery.

22. That mental illness should rule out approval for hormones or surgery.

23. That individuals must *out* themselves in their chosen gender prior to accessing hormones or surgery.

24. That individuals must *out* themselves to their families prior to accessing hormones or surgery.

25. That family members will provide support. That this support is necessary to be approved for hormones or surgery.

26. That children are “too young” to give informed consent.

27. That children are “too young” to know who they are.

28. That cross gender play is a necessary determinant of trans identity.


I'm sure we can come up with many more examples of the various assumptions which infuse medical gatekeeping. Let's keep the discussion going and push for expanded discussions on these topics with service providers tasked with assessing who is suitably ready to receive appropriate healthcare.

The 16 Steps to Overcoming Denial Of White Privilege

**The following piece draws on addiction theory in adapting "The 16 Steps of Discovery and Empowerment," by Charlotte Kasl in working on psychological barriers to understanding one's white privilege. It is somewhat tongue in cheek, and hopefully offers an articulation of some of the mechanisms which may support an unquestioned perception of innocence in systems of racism. In addition to teachings and readings by indigenous folks and people of colour, for a basic illustration of what constitutes "white privilege" click here.


The Steps:

1.) We affirm we have the power to dismantle systems of racism and stop being dependent on white privilege for our self-esteem and security.

2.) We come to believe that our Inner Spirit/Connecting Force/Universal Love/Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to understanding our white privilege.

3.) We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of understanding and challenging the disproportionate benefits we receive based on our whiteness.

4.) We examine our beliefs, actions, and successes in the context of living in a capitalist, colonial-imperial, patriarchal, ableist, racist, genocidal, transphobic, homophobic society.

5.) We share with other white folks, the Universe, and meditate within ourselves on all the reasons inside of us we feel shame and guilt related to systems of racism that benefit our whiteness.

6.) We affirm our own humanity and humility in challenging ourselves to see the implications of the disproportionate benefits we receive for our whiteness.

7.) We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behaviour that keeps us from acknowledging our white privilege and the impacts of systems of racism.

8.) We make a list of the ways in which we have been conditioned to accept access and privilege based on our whiteness and the resultant harms to people of colour (poc) and indigenous folks (IP). We take steps to accountability by committing ourselves to an ongoing process of understanding and reflecting on the impacts of white privilege.

9.) We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life and the blessings of gaining awareness of the impacts of our privileges.

10.) We learn to trust the realities of poc and IP and daily affirm that they see what they see, they know what they know, and become sensitive to what they feel.

11.) We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate. We do not cover-up, excuse, or abdicate responsibility for the impact whiteness has on others.

12.) We seek to create relationships, settings, workplaces, and social spaces where people address their white privilege and do not seek to avoid situations that require us to work across difference for shared understanding.

13.) We take steps to nourish our bodies, spiritual selves, relationships, heal from trauma, connect with others and have fun.

14.) We incorporate our understanding of white privilege into our daily passions and develop the will and wisdom to challenge the systems, institutions, practices, and relations that benefit us.

15.) We accept that conflict may arise and the difficult communication and emotional processing that challenging white privilege entails. We use these opportunities as lessons for our continued personal growth.

16.) We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet by committing ourselves to taking active steps to dismantle these systems of privilege.


***Please feel free to add additional steps and understandings.

Albert Nobbs: What Reviewers Missed

After seeing the much anticipated thirty-years-in-the-making film version of Glenn Close' darling character Albert Nobbs this past Friday... I can safely say most reviewers just don't get it.

Close herself, in interviews about the film has made little mention nor hint of the under/overtones of muted sexuality and gender swapping expression situated as the historical precedent of modern LGBT* identities. Given the time period, this makes sense. Terms like "lesbian," "butch,"
"trans," "FTM," while possibly accurate, were not in common use in the Victorian setting of Nobbs' transgression. Reviewers and Close have ubiquitously referred to the little man's character as a woman, excruciatingly trapped in the charade of passing as a man - for economic purposes. "She" was "born a woman" and has taken on passing for male in order to survive in a harsh Dublin in which lower class women are beaten down and sexually assaulted for their efforts at self sustainability. Most reviews I read took great pains to emphasize the pathetic nature of Nobbs and his passability as a real man. The allusion of a sexless, flat affected, gnome comes to mind from their unanimous descriptions. In fact, the secondary character of Hubert Page was conceded much more male "credibility" for his tall frame, exaggerated swagger, and oozing confidence.

But, what such reviews inevitably miss in their fixation on Nobbs' believability as a "real man" who performs real masculinity is the entire history of butch lesbian and trans history and invisibility. Whether Nobbs is, indeed, butch or trans or both is besides the point. But, given it is the first such overdue overt historical portrayal by mainstream actors and cinema of female masculinity and performance, the significance of Nobbs' actions and painfully awkward, tight roping path of near discovery has been completely overlooked. Close' portrayal of Nobbs' frozen affect and stiff regard, whilst subtley and poignantly conveying his pervasive emotional intake, responses, and reactions to his environment are what make the story. It is a story of the psychology of passing in a time where few did, that is worthy - not whether Close' slight frame, facial features and makeup, hand size etc. do the trick. In fact, Close/Nobbs' stature and affect are precisely what induce panic and stifled appreciation in the audience and him/her/hirself, of every moment undiscovered. It is the invisible history of (passing) butch women and trans people that reviewers are oblivious of which renders the plot inaccessible to them for any more meaning than deflated manhood and missing plot.

Yet, it is precisely this snippet of watching what is possibly quite an accurate portrayal of a facet of early lesbian, butch and/or trans history that is so enticing and exciting for viewers who pay attention to the interplay of sexual and gender transgression. The subtle nuances of identity formation and desire which come to fruition as a result of happenstance, fit, and exploration pre-identity terms are of special interest in that lines between identity are altogether lost. It really doesn't matter if Albert regards himself/herself as man or woman, neither or both. It is clear from the interplay of stories between Nobbs and Page that there has been from early days, an overlap in the experiences of those who were assigned female/feminine roles as birthright, though quietly and defiantly seek otherwise.

The Self-Reinforcing Use of Privilege

I've been thinking about the use of the "P" word lately....yes....THAT ONE.

The one that gets tossed around by folks who largely have the educational knowledge or exposure to enter complex conversations of power dynamics, social structures, and their impacts on individuals by using certain language as shorthand. Full disclosure: I am completely privy to the privilege of using the "P" word. I want to write a little bit, for a moment, on the privilege of using discourses of privilege - when you are the subject of that privilege.

This may sound a bit circular and non-sensical, and I fully admit my own difficulties in writing in ways that are accessible to a general audience. I have no idea how easy my writing is to understand for a broad spectrum audience, in terms of language or concepts. It is very difficult to step out of one's own internal language and thought process and into another that might be more useful. But, I am constantly reflecting on this when writing with the hope of conveying my ideas to the widest possible audience.

That said, when folks who experience certain access to concepts, ideas, thoughts, and conversational spaces tend to rely on the "P" word when talking about these power dynamics...I think we need to pause for a moment and reflect on what is happening. When we are explaining social and structural power relations and the differences in impact on individuals depending on one's own particular context and the factors affecting them, reliance on or overuse of language centered around 'privilege' can be self reinforcing of that very privilege.

~ Let's pause for a moment ~

Additional Disclaimer: I have no issue with folks who are affected by the power relations held in this word, to use it freely to name those power dynamics and what is going on in relationship to experiences of oppression. The use of the word 'privilege' by folks who are oppressed by others' privilege is not what I am speaking about here. Of course, this is complicated by, on the one hand experiencing levels of access based on certain aspects of one's social context, while simultaneously experiencing the effects of power-over for other aspects of that social context. However, if I am the carrier of a certain privilege and I have been successful at naming it as such, I believe I have a very rich, layered obligation to reflect upon and address the embedded processes of power and resultant discriminated access in ways that do not reduce those interactions to one symbolic word and conversations that happen in short hand around it.

What I am interested in, specifically, is the reliance on self-disclosure of one's sites of privilege to explain away the power behind that privilege, all the while leaving unaffected the systems which perpetuate it. This critique has been levelled numerous times, notably by indigenous speakers and people of colour vis a vis white privilege, and ties in with a greater critique of how learning to use anti-oppressive (AOP) language can actually make processes of marginalization, exclusion and power-over others invisible. The construction of AOP language and the use of AOP buzz words could actually have the effect of distancing those with privilege from taking direct actions that address it - instead, giving the illusion of such action.

One can think about and speak all day on the subject of one's access and complicity or neglect in addressing the systems they benefit from that negatively affect others. One can directly benefit from participating in using the "p" word to acquire social status as someone who appears to be taking direct action against their privilege by naming it as such. This act of erasure and reinscription especially interests me in academic, activist spaces dominated by white queers. I hear and take part in so many conversations around naming privilege but I see precious little restructuring of that power and access - and, sometimes even more exclusion as a result of those who don't (ironically) have access to, use, buy into, value, or have history with such language. Here I am not talking about a resistance to acknowledging power structures and the benefits accrued to certain individuals, but the elusive nature of relying on theorization of concepts of power dynamics rendering basic conversations inaccessible. There is a certain cultural cache that happens in white queer university-educated activist circles when one demonstrates the capacity to name their privileges.

Conversations around privilege can have the effect of elevating some community members for their willingness or ability to use these words while effectively shaming and alienating folks who don't, but may still be engaged in critical ways with the ideas and processes behind them. If we are thinking about using language to broaden our understandings across differences, and solicit a far reaching movement to address societal power dynamics - I think it is essential to engage with those processes we are so good at naming in some circles as opposed to relying on a dynamic of "calling out" others who just aren't *with it* who *don't get it* and who don't fall neatly into our intellectualized understandings of our own relationships with power and how this plays out.

I feel it is important to delve beyond this use of language and theorization into the actual work of crossing conceptual barriers, by addressing differences in sites of rearing of individuals and the impacts of these sites on conceptualization, in educational levels, cultural norms prevalent for the age of the person in question, and by delving into our own family and relational dynamics with those who do not share our politics or common understandings. Outside of listening intently, affirming, validating, and supporting others when they speak of their experiences of oppression in direct conversation, doing work around one's privilege should involve less reliance on self disclosure of that privilege to the people oppressed by it as a way to absolve oneself of a sense of guilt. Instead, a non-glamorous and non-self congratulatory focus on direct actions in daily life that enable power structures to begin to be dismantled in one's place of work, school, and in the spaces and groups one chooses to hang out in can be achieved by striving for conversations with others who do not share an easy common language around this stuff.

Trans Inclusion and Desire

We've come a long way in the last decade as various diverse communities that support many beautiful ways of embodying and living queerness.

From the early days of trans liberation, Stonewall, Compton's Cafe, and the start of the LGBT** rights movement.... depending on where you live, we now have established spaces wherein trans folks have become increasingly more included and desired in what were formerly binary gendered, exclusively gay male and lesbian spaces.

Trans men, male and masculine identified folks have reaped the benefits in a change in knowledge and acceptance regarding the sexuality and status of transsexual and transgender community members. T-guys and trans-masculine types have gone from being cast out of lesbian spaces in the early 70s, to a hot commodity in many queer women's spaces. This is due in no small part to the deconstruction of masculine norms, a greater understanding re: queer masculinities, a blossoming of multifaceted queer sexualities, and de-stigmatization of the process of trans health and transitioning. Many trans guys have also benefitted from deliberately busting out of male gender norms, flirting and flaunting their gender queerness as well as range of queer, gay, bi and pansexuality. While trans guys who date and have sex with cis (gay, queer, straight etc.) men have had some success and even fetishization of desire...this does not appear to be the case for many queer, lesbian and bi identified trans women.

The state of affairs for trans women, while also shifting considerably from previous decades with various exciting events targeting issues of inclusion - has a long way to go. Historically, and still today, trans women have been cast out of queer women and lesbian spaces. This is due in no small part to a misunderstanding of transsexuality and transgenderness. It also seems to be due to the complicated feelings many queer and lesbian women have as a result of their interactions with cisgender, heterosexual men. It takes no stretch of the imagination to determine that much of the hostility and exclusion trans women still face in women's spaces, is a direct result of the trauma that queer, bi, and lesbian women have endured as a result of their experiences of oppression and violence by cis hetero men.

It is unfortunate, to say the least, that trans women have borne the brunt of these (legitimate) trauma based, defensive responses. This exclusion of trans women has come in varying degrees of severity, from outright hate and assault of trans women who have sought to enter and be included in women's spaces, to the silent othering that occurs with the mere tolerance of their presence. Even when trans women are actively included in certain events and venues, the many cis women who attend still actively and unconsciously avoid interactions of even the most superficially polite variety. Despite their babeliness, even trans women who have successfully attained community status for their activism, community work, performances or careers still face discrimination when it comes to desire in queer women's spaces.

This is not to say that queer, bi, lesbian or pansexual (QBLP*) women have an obligation to date or be intimate with anyone, trans women included. It is up to each person, woman identified or not, to determine who it is they will allow to access their bodies based in consent, comfortability, desire, context and any other factors deemed relevant to that person with regards to their own body, sexuality and history. What it does mean is that QBLP* women have an obligation to do personal work to understand trans women and accept them as the legitimate, real women they are despite their "pass-ability" and physical embodiment. Cis women, as part of the work of unpacking their own privilege around having societally acceptable gender identities - just as cis men, queer, gay, or otherwise vis a vis trans guys - can and should look within themselves to deal with their own issues so that they may welcome trans women into their spaces without pre-judgment, with the unconditional acceptance they would grant any of their peers, and hopefully with the consideration of the possibility of desireability and attraction.

These conversations have been happening for decades... and thanks to the activism and work of trans women and their pro-trans feminist allies... will continue to build communities of trust and inclusion into the future.


**for some basic reading on respecting trans women click here.

Spread the Love!

Recently, my posts have become targeted by a small vocal minority of right wing, conservative hate mongers who have a long and public history of spreading anti-trans hatred and degradation. Their efforts include campaigning locally and internationally against inclusion of Trans rights as LGBT human rights on the basis of the most ridiculous ill-logic equating trans people (women especially) with cis male rapists. They appear to have come across my writing on "Transphobia in Relationship" which was re-published on The Scavenger, an online alternative news source. The week this article was published, and subsequent weeks saw hundreds of reactionary posts on radfem websites making defamatory, hateful, statements meant to harass, stalk, and cyberbully. A video was also created, and my workplace was contacted. I have no associations with any of these people and have had no contact with any of them, yet they read a post of mine they did not like and began an online campaign to defame my character.

Apparently, my ideas on considering what transphobia looks like are so threatening to them they have taken to spreading my name with tags calling me a "tranny," "rapist," "sex offender," "ex-lesbian," mis-gendering me, and seeking to attack my person, counselling practice, and place of employment. Their postings speak for themselves and do not represent my beliefs, actions, my professional practice or philosophies, me as a person, or any affiliations I have. Anyone perpetuating these malicious falsehoods will be subject to legal action.

I will never understand how anyone could have the time or energy to spread defamation, violence or hate to this degree, especially individuals within the queer community. Furthermore, while being obviously abusive, hateful and transphobic, calling trans people (historically it has been trans women) "rapists" and "sex offenders" by virtue of our being trans... diminishes the real lived experiences of sexual abuse survivors. It is simply disgusting, and deeply demeaning of such experiences.

What is interesting, is not so much the shared violence and exclusion historically that trans and LGB people have faced, but the scapegoating of trans people on whose backs the queer liberation movement and LGB rights have been gained. Our gay brothers and lesbian sisters have been painfully vocal in some circles recently, about their disdain for the rights and acceptance of trans people. These people seem to be going out of their way to harm trans people... by trolling the internet, stalking online forums, spreading the most degrading toxic hatred, violence and misinformation from behind their computer screens, on their blogs, and in community forums in cities they do not live in. Yes, unfortunately the internet is a far reaching tool that can be used by anonymous abusers to launch vitriolic attacks on people they don't know, have never met, do not know the slightest thing about, but who nonetheless provoke dialogue these folks are incapable of understanding or interacting with in any legible way.

What we should be fighting for is the right for all individuals, however they identify, to express themselves and love and live how they want safely.

Body parts and gender are not the issues: threatening, violent, hate-filled behaviour that attacks people is. And the violence affecting trans people, myself included, speaks to that. We should be working together as community members with shared experiences of anti-LGBTTQ2SI violence, trauma and degradation to gain rights for our safety and integrity to live equitably in society, instead of projecting lateral violence amongst each other in some sort of scramble to get rights first.

So live your life how you see fit and let others do the same. No one is forcing you to do anything except consider expanding your consciousness and respecting others...which can be accomplished through respectful, thoughtful, inquisitive dialogue.

Spread the love!

*** If you come across hateful sites please report abuse (on the host site). To any readers who are facing hatred or cyber/bullying and in need of support please seek a local crisis line in your community or try this website AND KEEP RIGHTEOUSLY BEING YOU!!! LOVE AND SOLIDARITY. ~ Xander Sarkisova

Depression or a Broken Heart?: On the 'Illness' of Emotions

How many of you (us) who work in social work identify with having 'mental illness'? How many of you (us) have experienced some form of trauma in y(our) history that drove you into a field where compassion is central to working with folks who have also experienced trauma? I wager the answer is very different for these two questions, largely due to the framing of mental health 'issues.' What exactly are we talking about when we speak of mental health? Why have we succumbed to a medicalization of our spirits... the auspices of our hearts?

Despite the assumptions you might make about social workers or counsellors, many of us enter this work based in some experience of suffering. Some of us don’t subscribe to hierarchical ideals of ‘professionalism’ and come from our own histories and understandings of trauma which drive us to provide safe space for others to explore their experiences. Some of us (have) experience(ed) first hand what it means to be 'ill.' I put the word 'ill' in quotations because I do believe that the medical system has appropriated the experience of human suffering; sought to classify, contain, and treat it as individual disease as opposed to natural reactions to oppressive and traumatizing situations.

Some folks may differ in their consciousness of the impact of their trauma history on their desire to either work alongside, or to "save" others. Some folks believe they do not have a trauma history, and seek to consume the stories and suffering of others to placate a desire for meaning that is often facilitated by experiencing suffering. For folks entering into any activity that is aimed at being supportive or providing care to others, it is crucial to bring an awareness of one's own history and coping into full consciousness. Sometimes, we may seek to avoid the difficult work of reconciling our pasts, the emotional leftovers, and the unconscious desire to heal ourselves through working out our traumas on people who are already traumatized. This may happen in any realm of community, family, or social life, and is particularly loaded when entering into social justice work.

It is ironic that traumatic experiences - those which impact our hearts and souls - those which evoke strong emotional reactions in vivo, that may be carried with us as a blueprint for self protection for the rest of our lives, have been stripped of that very emotional content and processed into the systematic classification of psychiatric 'disorders.' It is striking, the degree to which simple human experiences and natural responses have become inconvenient and problematic, in the face of dehumanizing capitalist systems that alienate us from the possibility of self connection, and connection with others. Societal notions of competency and functioning are epitomized in the dehumanization of individuals who do not fit into a capitalist system. When folks are derailed in early childhood due to trauma, and are torn from the possibility of safe, nurturing relationships with direct caregivers, or anyone at all, survival can become contingent upon the numbing of pain. Witnessing mainstream society's disdain, degradation, and dehumanization of those visibly suffering with substance misuse and mental health issues becomes emblematic of the distance we have been conditioned to accept from our own hearts. We have become desensitized to the notion that we do have feelings. In order to function in large urban centers driven by capitalism, production, hours worked, goods bought, stress, and a lack of emotional space at all - it becomes necessary to distance ourselves from actual suffering, and instead, contain suffering as a 'disordered' experience in need of medical repair.

A Bit About My Story

I was driven to try to make sense of people, behaviour, communication, and why we do what we do from a very young age. That was my survival strategy. Growing up, I watched my small, isolated, working class immigrant family struggle to support my brother with scarce resources and funding. Doctor's error had resulted in my brother's breech position being complicated by an hour and a half of being stuck in my mother's birth canal with no intervention. The resulting suffocation of the umbilical chord led to my brother being born with profound disabilities. In our small town B.C. rural context in the seventies and eighties, social services were glaringly absent. There were no such things as careshifting, respite support, community rallies, automated doors, wheelchair stalls, chair lifts, ramps, motorized chairs (or even padded chairs), or sidewalk dips, for example. My mother recently recalled a story that exemplified her and my brother's struggle. They would go for a stroll regularly to get out of the house, get exercise, fresh air, and find human contact in our neighborhood. They would be on a shopping outing walking down the street only to have to overcome each cross street with a set of large, foreboding curbs. My mother would have to navigate by lifting, pulling, and teetering my brother's heavy, inflexible, non-padded, un-ergonomic chair and my brother would have to brace himself to be potentially dumped or at least jostled all the way to wherever they were going.

One day, my mother became so frustrated and enraged at these physical barriers she marched herself and my brother right up and into the City Hall. She walked with my brother over to the front desk and demanded to speak to someone. The person obliged and my mother relayed with great frustration (in her third language...Bulgarian, German, then English, and 9th grade education level) the amount of distress the city was causing by not foreseeing the need to remove or minimize barriers such as curbs, and how this was limiting our ability to get around the city for basic things like shopping for groceries.

Several months later, the city began flattening the curbs.

My father had great difficulties processing his emotions around having a son with disabilities. He grew up in Germany as a small child during the second world war and undoubtedly internalized notions of disability as "personal defect" and a "dirty secret." He cut himself off from family as a young man and hopped a large steamer to 'Canada' (Turtle Island) to start fresh. When my brother was born, he refused to tell anyone in his family... fearing the judgments, stigma, and blame of a first born son who would not live up to the idealized expectations of manhood. In a span of four years during the war, under "Aktion T4" the Nazi eugenics ("mercy killing") program slaughtered hundreds of thousands of people with disabilities by gassing, drugs, then starvation for what was considered "life unworthy of living." Carrying these judgments, fear, and lacking the appropriate resources to properly care for and support his son, sprinkled with long periods of unemployment as a machinist left my father feeling helpless, depressed and angry.

None of us had the language to understand my father's 'mental health' issues at this time. All we knew was that he would periodically, suddenly, shut down and stop speaking to all of us. He would be seething and distant, drink booze secretively, and burst into rage and violence when simple things frustrated him. My brother received the brunt of this violence. I watched helplessly at the kitchen table each night as my brother, misunderstood by us all (we did not understand his speech until he was 33; he is 38 now) acted in frustration and anger undoubtedly at the fact that none of us were able to properly understand him. My brother's anger became screams, then biting himself and convulsing in protest. Our unshared language provided fertile ground for explosive family violence. In response, my father would yell, scream at, and physically assault my brother to try and 'control' him.

This did not work.

Meanwhile, my mother would try her best to intervene and would get caught in the crossfire. My brother would scream at her, my father would scream at her, she would scream at my father and brother, and I would watch silently. This started from as far back as my earliest memories. Years went by, and frustration became rage, became violence, became suffering, became rage and so on, and the family dynamics imploded. I will spare you the details, but suffice to say, all of us were traumatized as a result. When I reached seventeen, the family finally split up. I had been praying for this since I was twelve.

As an adult, I unconsciously carried the weight of these experiences - and the overwhelming emotions I had submerged as a result - with me. I sought to create a safe and stable home environment with my friends, focussed on getting myself employed and educated and created some distance from the chaos and strife of my first 20 years. In coping with these experiences, not to mention my buried sexuality and gender identity, I became so emotionally distant from my self and my family I barely knew they existed. I thought I was doing very well for myself, and by all accounts I was... until the anxiety, nightmares, sleep issues and depression creeped in.

It is very difficult to distinguish the onset of something like depression. Obviously it looks very different for each individual, but I was completely unprepared for how this manifested in my own life. I was working with others who were resisting psychiatric labels imposed on their lives, and I had no understanding of how my own experiences of trauma had impacted me. It took at least six years for me to discover that I had, in fact, withdrawn emotionally from most aspects of life. Because I was able to function at my job, pay bills, hold an apartment, and have (often deeply compassionate) social interactions, I was unable to understand what depression looked like for me. I became frustrated and defeated at the sense of a gradual loss of joy, connection and meaning with everything around me. It became apparent to me that my experience of 'mental illness' was conflated with notions of functionality. My capacity to go through the motions of life obscured the drain my soul and heart felt. When it became difficult for me to do anything other than sit at my desk, in my office, staring blankly into space for long periods of time with no feelings to speak of... and picking up a phone to speak to a client felt like dragging my body through liquid cement, I finally realized my trauma had caught up with me. Simple tasks which I intellectualized the facility of, betrayed an understanding of the centrality of my emotions and health of my spirit in my capacity to do them. This was evident in all facets of my life, and I felt overwhelmed with a desire for rest and sleep... a desire which never seemed to be quenched.


Moving Forward

Working in a formal mental health care environment and experiencing things that are quantified as mental illness carries a particular gingerness in terms of self disclosure, and seeking help. For me, there was this desire to deny that I indeed, needed help, because I was the helper. I was supposed to be giving help. Furthermore, in many social services and healthcare settings who do specific work with folks labelled as having 'mental illness,' there is a silent *othering* and distancing of agency and staff dynamics from the possibility of sharing in the complexity of emotional needs and support that are the crux of diagnoses. This distancing indicates a desire for those occupying the institutional helping machine to uphold some sort of immunity from the baseness that begets a stigmatized status as mental health consumer. In the same moment that such agencies are advocating alongside survivors for the right to equity, humanity, centering of resiliency and emotional connectivity, toxic staff and management dynamics make true advocacy and support of mental health and the recovery of spirits and souls invisible, self-reinforcing issues. The desire for authentication and reification of 'professionalism' in such institutions perpetuates a medicalized, distancing, 'objective' approach to broken hearts that manifest in a mental health mismanagement system, and the neglect and death of spirits. The impacts of this broken system are especially felt on those spirits disproportionately carrying the weight of years of systemic, intergenerational traumas, colonization, racism, genocide, and scapegoating of their bodies and souls.

So, how do we disrupt this medical model machinery from the inside, in support of those hearts most vulnerable, and affected? If we are to work at the task of helping others heal from terrible, inhumane systems, we must do everything in our power to make those systems human again from the ground up. Taking responsibility for our own health and wellness by seeking therapy, counselling, spiritual guidance, friend and family support and so on, is imperative. By engaging in a reflexive process of accountability, healing, and cultivation of joy we become better able to relate to others, especially our colleagues, in compassionate, grounded, authentic ways. Bringing an emotional presence and awareness to one's daily life, and the group processes that often bog down interpersonal relations in well meaning systems of care, can go far in changing the affective tone and conditions under which systems impact others attempting to heal, or simply survive from their traumas. Bringing a heart centered lens to interactions with all levels of the systems we are entrusted with can enable a welcoming and greater centering of client/service user/community member needs, desires, strengths and capacities.

Beyond this, shifting the language used, especially in medical settings, that constantly seeks to erase personal experience and narrative and replace with pathos and reparative, knee jerk treatment, can bring about the slow process of shifting conceptualizations from illness to wholeness. Centering a language of trauma, and contextualizing trauma in relation to systems and processes, while emphasizing resiliency, strength and coping strategies in all conversations of wellness and health management can subtly usurp the fundamentally flawed notion of objectivity. The idea of practicing *on* others' bodies, can be sublimated and considered in the context of additional weighted options for care, as opposed to the be-all of care or assistance. Inserting a language of radical affirmation and validation, particulurly when problem solving with medical practitioners regarding clients dealing with complex issues resulting from intense, sustained and repeated experiences of trauma, can re-introduce the centrality of the spirit as a driving force in recovery. Over time, shifting of language away from detached rationalization and immediate problem solving to the gradual recovery of the heart from traumatic experiences through supportive, lateral relationships with fellow humans can transform individual practice and connectivity, team functioning, institutional frameworks and systemic practice as well.

The roles of psychiatric classification and medicine can begin to be deconstructed as flawed tools that often isolate and harm individuals and groups. If such tools are seen as having disproportionate power of imposing definitions of functionality on individual experiences, and this logic of individual pathology is replaced with understandings of resiliency and coping in reaction to oppressive systems - the stigma of diagnosis can be externalized. Medical options can be weighted in addition to building upon healthy resistance strategies that positively impact health and well being. Understandings from instruments like the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders can be extracted in discussion with, and if they hold meaning for the individual, while distancing from the all encompassing patholigization of being.

Indigenous (feminist) communities have been practicing what we (social justice activists and practitioners) call community strengthening and resiliencey for years. Consideration of all aspects of a spirit's health, wholeness, and happiness, by addressing indadequate housing, food access, culturally sensitive, client centered health care, relationships, and the connection of all these things and more to the pain and heartbreak experienced by individuals labelled with mental illness can transform a heartsick care system.

What role can you as a community member, family, friend, activist, worker, or supportive other play in this? If you are already practicing or living with these concerns and awareness, my challenge to you is it fully bring heart centered practice (and what that means to you) to all of your communication and relations and break the cycle of emotional violence that disconnects us all from each other. This does not mean toning down our passions or our fight, but it is a challenge to incorporate empathy and compassion even when we are demanding accountability and change within those fights.

(Trans)Formation: Self Portraits

A selection of self shot images taken the night before chest reconstruction surgery.

Transphobia in Relationship: A Sampling of Abusive Behaviours

This topic has been percolating for some time. Folks have spoken about it somewhat, but a misappropriation of terms and complexity of factors have served to muddy what is actually quite clearly inappropriate, and sometimes abusive behaviour on the part of some friends, family, and those we are intimate with... lovers and partners alike. These following behaviours go beyond mere ignorance of trans issues and land squarely in the category of harming others.

The following is an unrepresentative sample of some behaviours which can be emotionally harmful to trans people:


1) Refusing to accept the exploration of trans identity.

eg.) You bring up the possibility or curiosity of what it means to be trans and your partner doesn't want to talk about it. They claim they are "overwhelmed," "not ready for it" and that it is unfair to do so.

What's wrong with this?

While it is fair that a partner may feel overwhelmed at the prospect of exploring a change which may reflect back at them a lack of fit for their own identity, or a complication of how they know themselves, or you.... shutting down a partner sends the message that there is no space to talk about the possibility of being trans. It effectively sends a message of shame and fear to a potential trans identified person.

What can I do differently?

Address your own transphobia. Explore the resistance you have to talking about your partner's transness with trusted friends, or a counsellor. How can you be supportive while dealing with your own complicated feelings? Why are your feelings complicated? Explore all the facets of fear of loss, change, and assumptions about identity you may have. Deal with yourself first, do not make being trans the problem. After getting support to process your feelings, don't be a "martyr" and stay with someone you are not into. Trans people don't need people to pity us, we need folks to accept and love us unconditionally, and there are plenty of folks capable of doing this.


2) Refusing to gender/name your partner or loved one as per their request.

eg.) You tell your partner/family member/friend you would like to use a new pronoun/name. They may laugh in response. Maybe not. Sometimes they tell you flat out they won't "be able" to do that. Sometimes they will complain about how difficult it is to use your new pronoun/name. Sometimes they agree to use your new pronoun/name and continue to introduce you to anyone and everyone by the old pronoun/name. Sometimes they apologize. Most of the time they do not even acknowledge their disrespect. They claim you are being unreasonable when you correct them.

What's wrong with this?

Introducing a trans person by their old pronoun or name can be a selfish act of avoidance "cis" people engage in when they aren't brave enough to confront gender norms. It is based in a sense of shame and fear of being "othered" along with the trans person.

What can I do differently?

Take a risk! Stand up for your trans loved one and deal with the consequences accordingly by putting people in their place if they have a shitty response. Standing in solidarity with trans people sends the signal to others that transphobia is not okay. Quite often, people don't even have a problem with it! Address your own shame around what it means, societally, to be trans. Get support for this. If you make a mistake, immediately correct yourself and apologize.

3) Talking about how much you love the person's original parts and how you don't believe they should go through with surgery. Characterizing surgery as drastic, too traumatic, unbearable or even some form of mutilation.

What's wrong with this?

Partners or lovers, or even family members, of trans folks may have particular attachment to a trans person's body parts and plenty of imposed meaning on those parts. Reacting to a trans person's desire to converse about the possibility of surgery with shock, fear, revulsion, or avoidance signals to trans people that a major option for their embodiment and potential release of anxiety and discomfort is unavailable. Acceptance of the trans person and risk of abandonment become tied to whether or not that person desires surgery as a form of embodiment.

What can I do differently?

Acknowledge your feelings around the potential loss of relationship and particular meaning associated with your significant other's body parts. Commit to spending time with supportive others/a counsellor to properly do this. Change your language so that acceptance of the trans person is not contingent on their potential embodiment. Do not project your grief onto your partner as a way to manipulate the steps they may take to come into themselves wholly.

4) Claiming the language used by trans people to own their bodies is offensive.

eg.) Trans folks may often use "blended terms" to refer to our junk, as a way of reclaiming the meaning imposed on our bodies. We may call our parts "man boobs, chesticles, mangina, hole, gurl pussy" etc. etc. In response, others may view these terms as degrading or misogynistic without consideration for the context.

What's wrong with this?

Trans people aren't referring to YOUR bodies, we are reclaiming OUR bodies. Whatever terms you use to describe your junk are your business, and vice versa. Terms for 'sex organs' are loaded with cis normativity and privilege and taking back words or creating new ones can be very powerful ways for trans folk to own and represent our bodies as we see fit.

What can I do differently?

Laugh accordingly, and use the terms we use for our bodies. Trans folks often have a wicked sense of humour which shows our resilience in the face of so much oppression, violence, and degradation. Many of us adopt a sense of playfulness about our bodies and how people view them. If you are having a reaction to this, check it out. Maybe your assumptions about body parts need to be reconfigured and your cis normativity and privilege dealt with.

5) Transposing notions of acceptable embodiment onto trans folk.

eg.) Your cis partner tells you how much your body frightens them. They disclose a history of assault and equate your musculature or size with their assault - stating they don't know if they can date you because of it.

What's wrong with this?

Trans people have struggled with our embodiment, and transgressing gender norms since our coming into this world. We navigate impositions of what we can and should be every millisecond of our lives. We have struggled hard to attain and live with physiques that provide a modicum of solace and comfort - at great expense, violence, and exclusion from many facets of society. Equating your abuse history with a trans person's physical embodiment - something which we cannot undo and is essential for our survival - is to say that the embodiment is the source of your trauma. In fact, size and strength do not determine who an abuser will be. Small/slight statured people can also be seriously abusive, and moreover, emotional abuse has no physical form.

What can I do differently?

Get support for dealing with your trauma history. Process through with someone other than your date or partner why it is you are feeling triggered and do not transpose this onto your date’s body. If you are feeling uncomfortable, end it respectfully, and work on providing yourself the safety you need.

6) Treating a trans person differently once you discover they are on hormones.

eg.) A trans guy has been taking T for several months with no noticeable changes. Suddenly, when it becomes apparent physical and vocal changes are present, the same friend(s) ask with suspicion if you are taking T. Their body language has shifted considerably, clearly suggesting discomfort and hostility. Your behaviour hasn't changed, but your gender markers have. This is immediately equated with what are considered to be the worst aspects of hetero-normative masculinity.

What is wrong with this?

What is wrong is that your assumptions are not in line with the person's actual behaviour. Two seconds ago, when you didn't know your friend was "transitioning" you treated them just fine. Now that you are aware of the changes you treat them based on how you expect them to behave. You assume that their masculinity, not their behaviour, is the problem.

What can I do differently?

Reflect on why it is you are feeling uncomfortable with your friend's shifting presentation. Look at your friend's behaviour, the things they say and do - not their bodies/voices. If they are using their bodies and voices to take up space in misogynistic or paternalistic ways (ways that infringe on you or others), then it is fair game to talk about such behaviours. But, do not assume or predict that this will automatically be the case.

7) Telling a trans person that they are far more attractive as their "original" gender and that they make an unattractive woman.

What is wrong with this?

This is seriously degrading and abusive. Don't ever do it.

What can I do differently?

Get help now. You are not the gatekeeper or barometer of "womanness." Seriously commit yourself to psychotherapy to process and deal with this. Avoid interactions with trans people until you sort this out.

8) Attempting to limit how your partner identifies. Telling your partner they are abandoning "Butch."

What is wrong with this?

Your partner may have very complicated feelings and grief around what it means to be Butch, if they have identified this way. Normative community narratives have made a congruence of butch and trans identities unavailable and shameful, while not recognizing some folks may identify as both, either simultaneously or sequentially.

What can I do differently?

You are not the arbiter or protector of Butch. It is valid to feel protective of Butch identity given the particular struggles of those living this reality... however, it is not your responsibility or place to determine what Butch is and whether folks can be Butch and Trans. Do personal work around expanding your awareness of the many ways trans/masculine people may come into their identities and be supportive of this.

9) Refusing to take a partner's trans/femaleness seriously because they have a beard, or body hair.

What is wrong with this?

Being a trans/woman/female/feminine person is not contingent on amount of body or facial hair. Some really hot trans women have full beards! Furthermore, many women have full beards (if they didn't wax). Projecting this onto trans women is unfair and loaded with transmisogyny/disrespect for their femaleness.

What can I do differently?

Do your own work around deconstructing the gender binary. Respect trans women for who they are, no matter how they present. Do not make validation and affirmation contingent upon normative standards of female beauty.

10) Refusing to date trans women, especially those who identify with having cocks, or who haven't had "bottom surgery" - particularly if you id as lesbian. Viewing dating a trans woman as some form of accomplishment and indication that you have challenged transphobia.

What is wrong with this?

Tying your refusal to date trans women with your lesbian identity reifies your inability to see trans women for who they truly are. It denigrates their identity and presentation and signals your perception that they are "less than" women. It is not an accomplishment to see someone for who they truly are (especially related to gender) - it is a basic ability as a human. Furthermore, if you are into rubber cocks and penetration yet you refuse to date trans women with cocks, penises, or pussies that are different from yours you are arbitrarily discriminating against these women based on their transness or transsexuality (credit to Alaska b. for this point).

What can I do differently?

Don't talk about how rad you are for crushing on or dating trans women. Don't treat or talk about it with friends as some kind of new project for yourself. Start to deconstruct some of your transmisogyny and how your behaviour is not tied to a lack of desire, but rather your unwillingness to validate transfemale realness. Do work around unpacking the "cis" male privilege you are incorrectly transposing on trans female bodies, whether they have cocks or not.


Published at: The Scavenger

*** If you come across hateful sites please report abuse (on the host site). To any readers who are facing hatred or cyber/bullying and in need of support please seek a local crisis line in your community or try this website AND KEEP RIGHTEOUSLY BEING YOU!!! LOVE AND SOLIDARITY. ~Xander Sly