I recently came across this post on feministing by JOS entitled: "Enough With 'I Date Women and Trans Men'."
I feel like the author is asking, again, for queer cis and trans folks to question the source of our attractions and why certain exclusions of trans women as objects of desire happen in our so-called progressive queer commmunities.
I've written about this as well, and I do think it is a reasonable question to ask oneself why one may exclude trans women out of their dating pool if they profess an attraction to the grand nebulous group "women."
Where I got thrown in the article was when the author started essentializing trans men as binary male subjects with One Universal Experience and speaking for us and our partners. Not okay.
But, what I find interesting in all this is What Do We Do Now? Transmisogyny exists, FACT. It exists in cis normative society, and in the most progressive of queer spaces. So what now? How do I become an ally to the cause of rooting out transphobia that trans women and trans women of colour, specifically, face in our communities, while supporting a process of reconciliation and consciousness raising that doesn't place me in a trap of exerting male or masculine privilege in questioning women's desires?
What I don't find helpful, and indeed, find particularly damaging in witnessing attempts at allyship of trans/masc/male ppl almost inevitably with white privilege - are the broad sweeping statements made about trans men in comparison to trans women. Statements and assumptions are lobbed in an attempt to show how easy the lives of trans men are compared to trans women. How much cache or status we gain. How desireable we become. How we all obviously identify as male. Or how we all passed since we were 6 and so, therefore, received early affirmation and didn't experience girlhoods or female socialization.
Wait a second, say what?
To assert how much candy trans men get when they graduate to passing is not a simple statement. Doing so ERASES the racism and lack of privilege trans masc ppl and trans men of colour experience. It ERASES the experience of all trans men who do not pass nor wish to pass. It erases the experiences of disabled trans men. It erases the experiences of older (than 24) trans men who did not grow up in a magical fairyland where gender variety or indeed trans even existed as a thing. It erases the experiences of rural trans people. It erases the experiences of anyone who has a non linear identity path, who id'd as a tomboy, butch, genderqueer, woman, lesbian, two-spirit, non-binary, etc., or who still does.
In short, when white trans men stand up under the guise of supporting our trans sisters and do so by engaging in public acts of flagellation of themselves and others, we do NOTHING to help our sisters remove barriers and stigma, nor honour the diversity of experiences among us. We perpetuate the erasure of intersections of oppression. We succeed in looking self righteous without providing any tangible answers.
How about this:
1.) Talk about and promote knowledge of the stigma trans women face and the rigid standards of beauty placed upon them.
2.) Talk about and raise consciousness of the lack of safe, inclusive spaces for trans women in our own communities.
3.) Address stigma and transphobia head on when it happens and be there for our sisters whenever they need us.
4.) Try our best not to exert masculine privilege in speaking for trans women or appropriate experiences of marginalization or oppression of trans women.
5.) Consider our own biases in terms of how we see trans women. Address our own transphobia and discomfort if it exists, as well as dating choices.
6.) Read and reference Julia Serrano, A LOT.
7.) Link to other resources that succinctly speak about transmisogyny.
8.) Do our own research, readings, introspection, and awareness raising of the issues trans women may specifically face.
9.) Be available to emotionally support our trans sisters.
10.) Listen. A lot. Specifically to our trans sisters.
