Why I Prefer "He"

I have consciously wrestled with gender pronouns, and what my gender means to me for approximately 8 years now. Unconsciously, I've been wrestling with my gender since I was able to form memories and learn difference.

Upon coming "out" in 2003, after moving downtown from the repressive bible belt, conservative, straight, middle and working class suburb I grew up in, it took me a good year to finally express my masculinity to the degree I had been longing to my entire life.

As a child, from age 8 onwards, I had wrestled with the desire to cut my hair short and spikey, or shaved altogether. During summers, before and after school, I remember preferring army pants, boots, cowboy hats, baseball caps, boy's leather jackets, t's and jeans. My role models were WWF wrestlers, The Fonz, Knight Rider, The Dukes of Hazard, The Greatest American Hero, He-Man, The Road Warrior, and Conan.

I would fashion wrestling belts out of cardboard cutouts I would design to replica size, then fasten to existing belts in my wardrobe, to carry around on my shoulder, or wear on my waste as I watched my weekend episodes of men in tights, barely wrestling with each other. I would haul my body size pillow from my bedroom to use as my opponent, set him in the middle of the living room floor, and when it came time for Macho Man Randy Savage to take the top ropes with his signature flying elbow drop, I would set the kitchen chair on the edge of the dining room, rise steadily with my fingers pointing towards the sky, and launch down onto my opponent to pin him.

I obsessed about wrestling so much, I found my mother's 3lb purple plastic dumbells and started 'lifting' them in some fashion of a workout. I knew the guys on tv got their bulging biceps from lifting weights, and I was determined to have the same rippling build. Around this time, I had also discovered the Mr. Universe contest, with Arnold taking center stage. I was mesmerized. I knew I could have the same strength and size as those mammoth, awe-inducing statues on the television.

I also found my dad's tension stick - that weird metal coiled device with grips on either end that I saw Hulk Hogan flexing on every interview he did on talk shows. Although I couldn't budge the thing, I knew if I tried long enough I would eventually be able to do it. As I outgrew my mother's weights before I even picked them up, I begged my dad for a set of weights. I was roughly 10 years old, and we went to Zellers, and he purchased me two 10lb weights. When we got home, he took a spare wooden pole we had lying around, sawed off the end, and wedged the cement filled weights with a couple of nails deep into the wood so they wouldn't fall off. Over the next few years, I studied guys working out in movies and tv shows and mimicked their push ups, squats, shoulder press, bicep curls, and bench press. I got so strong I could do 12 chin ups on the playground monkey bars. More than any guys in my grade.

I also started challenging my male classmates to arm wrestling, winning 80% of the matches on a regular basis, and sending the boys into a flurry of "dyke" outcries. Every win would bring a smile to my lips no slurs could erase.

The very first time I went ahead and cut my hair short, I was horrified. My long silky locks which signified tomboy, were now replaced with true maleness. I was unrecognizable as a girl. I remember being on a rare family trip and waiting for our flight in the airport, sitting on a chair, when a little girl the same age as me, spotted me and saddled up to me. I didn't realize what was happening until she started flirting with me and told me I was cute. She wanted me to pretend to be her husband. I felt so sheepish because I knew she thought I was a boy, and it was the very first interaction I had passing. I had a secret to hide. We were both 8.

During the school year, I kept my hair long because I knew I had to fit in. In kindergarten, I remember watching the cutest boy and girl in the school chasing each other around the playground, and feeling this pang of sorrow that I did not fit into that equation. I didn't know where I fit in. But, I knew in order to have a less problematic existence, I needed to keep my hair long to balance out my boyishness, or I would travel from mildly threatening, to downright disgusting with the buzz of a clipper.

Aside from one last summer before grade 7 of short haired freedom, I kept my long locks until the year after I came out - at 23. When I did finally grasp the scissors and take a swath of my thick, wavy, shoulder length layered Jennifer Aniston cut in my hand to snip off my pony tail, I was relieved that my look didn't entirely change. I was still recognizable as me. But, it was only a step on the ladder to freedom. I took those scissors and started paring down the remaining 6 inches in chunks, so that I could work the clippers I had been waiting a decade for. When it came right down to it, I buzzed my scalp clean. I studied myself in the mirror. I discovered that I did not, in fact, look hideous. The shape of my head was not so different with millimeter hairs than, mane pulled back into pony tail. Only, the added openness of my face and the appearance of soft stubble shifted my presentation to squarely androgynous.

And, I liked it.

I felt embodied in a way I had longed for my entire life. Satisfied with my transition, over the course of the next several months I began weeding out my wardrobe. All girls clothing was eventually replaced by men's button up long sleeved shirts, and jeans. I was living within myself in a way that felt like home, and a long time coming.

This sensation was amazing, and lasted for about a year. I changed my hair style regularly and tried shaving different lengths and styles whenever it was time for a cut. Around this time, I started to get asked the question at work (a resource centre) "Are you a man, or a woman?" or "Are you trying to be a man" on a daily basis. Each time, I entertained the question with discomfort and a feeling of being stripped down. Why did it even matter? The questions, then graduated to several times per day. I felt like I could not move throughout the centre without being stopped at some point and having to defend my gender presentation for someone else's sense of ease and comfort. "You are a girl, right?" "Why are you trying to look like a man?"

Several years have passed since the early days of my "transition". I have wrestled with the idea of what it means to be a man or a woman, on a daily basis in a conscious way for the last 8 years. I have agonized over where I fit into this, and why it is that the state that I feel most comfortable and at home in my body, is so threatening to others when I move about the world. I have come to realize that my being is complex, and doesn't fall neatly into the gender binary.

One of the reasons I prefer "He" or neutral pronouns such as "They" is very simple. All my life I have fought with society and myself to comfortably express my masculinity. When people are discomfitted, they default to assigning you into the gender binary box. Because I challenge their notion of what it is to *be* in this world, I must be forced into the category of "lady," "girl," "Ms." Yet, I am none of these. I am me. My maleness/masculinity is not invisible - it is very clear. By asking folks to change the pronoun they use with me to masculine, I make them start over from scratch in their assumptions about me. I reclaim me, and I disrupt the process of them naming me. Of boxing me in.

I am very aware of who and what I am, and forcing people to use male pronouns with me also forces them to recognize, acknowledge and respect my masculinity. It complicates their understanding of me, and it complicates their understanding of what it means to be male or female. If I passed as male more than 50% of the time, I might take a different stance in order to disrupt the assumptions made about me, but I do not. Ninety percent of the time I am addressed in the feminine. I am not seen for whom I am, and my maleness is disregarded. I become erased.

Therefore, I choose "He."

Insecurity Inherent to Masculinity

So, I've been thinking a lot lately on how masculinity can be a precarious identity to hold.

Obviously there is no master masculine identity, but what comes to mind in analyzing the insecurity of masculinity is the way in which white, male, capitalist, patriarchal masculinity (WMPCC) views itself, how it holds power, why it favors misogyny, and how it perpetuates certain ways of being, functioning, expressing gender via dress and behaviour, and functioning within gender roles.

My argument is essentially this: a white, male, cissexual, patriarchal, capitalist/colonialist masculinist gender expression has been constructed by such males as all powerful, all knowing, and all deserving. Masculinity, in this context, is dependent not on qualities inherent within a WMPCC position, or personhood per se. It is entirely dependent for its own sense of identity on the power structures it upholds.

In this sense, what makes WMPCC subjects masculine depends on how dominance is achieved in terms of heterosexual relationships, work relationships/status, household hierarchy, status as provider, decision maker, disciplinarian/authority figure, person in charge, opposite gender qualities in relation to cissexual heterosexual femaleness, phallocentrism and the denial of masculinity in those assigned female at birth, degradation of queerness and trans identities, and self assigned status of seed provider. All of these locations by nature, are defined by what masculinity is NOT. Essentially, masculine men are NOT soft like women. Masculine men are not fags because gayness is constructed as weakness and associated with femaleness/feminity. To be gay is equated with penetration, and since cissexual straight white males have penises, they should be doing the penetration, the baby making, the fucking, the dominating.... anything less is to be servile and subscribe to the role of femaleness and feminity (as constructed by them).

Masculine white cissexual men are masculine because they are men. They are masculine because they are NOT women. They are masculine because they do NOT give birth. They are masculine because they are far removed from their xx chromosomal progenesis and do NOT have fear of annihilation via a return to the womb where they were created and protected until their difference formed.

Are you starting to see why masculinity is such an insecure expression to hold - even for WMPCC? Any physiological attribute, manner of expression, behaviour, way of dress which has been constructed as male and inherently masculine does not by virtue determine maleness/masculinity. Or maybe it does. And this is the problem.

Hair, presence or absence of reproductive organs, musculature, bone structure, weight, mass, chromosomes, voice... none of these characteristics singularly or in combination can distinguish cissexual men from other men (trans/masculine), and at times from women. On the other hand, one's social location and position, the various social roles one inhabits can reveal a lot more about how one fits or is excluded by a patriarchal masculinist power structure. When white cissexual hetero men (and women and others) react to other men, or masculine subjects with degradation and invalidation, they are acting to uphold the power structure which places their white maleness at the top. Their insecurity is a product of the precarious position of dominance which they uphold and which is confused with their maleness and masculinity.

In order to maintain the power structure which WMPCC benefit from, all non-WMPCC men (including men of colour, esp. black men) must be reminded they are less than men. They must be kept in check, subverted, made to think and feel they are not men. They must become convinced their maleness is less than, and that in order to achieve power in society they must emulate white hetero male masculinity - even if they will never have access to the power and privilege such a position bestows.

To the extent that maleness and masculinity are validated in subjects other than WMPCC, the prevailing power structure is being rerouted. It is being subverted. The foundation for 'maleness' is being reconstructed, and 'manhood' eroded. If I were a white hetero cissexual male with no inherent claim to masculinity besides power and privilege... the threat of annihilation via other masculine subjects would make me feel a little insecure too.

Gender Roles and Sexual Demand

As someone who occupies a masculine identity within a trans body which is read as female - someone who ID's as Butch and Trans and various other nouns/adjectives etc... I feel it is necessary to speak for a moment about sexual expectations placed on Butches/Transguys/Tomboys/Boi's and anyone else who occupies a non-traditionally feminine or masculine role within a Butch/Femme or queer masculine/feminine dynamic in the trans and womyn's community.

I think this is an important topic, and one that does not get much consideration in our spaces of thinking, being and acting.

Let's think about, and hold space in our imaginations for a moment, about the sexual expectations that we place on those we are attracted to in our communities. Let us think about what behaviours are acceptable, and unacceptable in our spaces, and in our lives - for us as individuals and collectively, in terms of sexual expectations, unwanted advances, and sexual commodification without consent. Let us think for a moment about what consent means when applied to Butch or Transfolk, and how our expectations may differ based on our relationship to queer, masculine/female or transgender roles, bodies, minds and souls.

I will illustrate several examples of what I mean.

Example #1. First Lesbian Kiss.

At various times in one's experience, it may be possible to become the subject of a concerted effort to be someone's First Kiss. That is to say, their First Lesbian Kiss.

Now, on the surface, such a proposal might seem flattering. A random stranger at a dance party comes up to you, and tells you a story of how his best friend or younger sister came out like three days ago, and how she's been so curious about what it's like to be with a woman, and oh, you would just be such a great person to be her first kiss! Sounds lovely, right? Never mind that you don't ID as a woman.

Well, what happens when you say no? One would hope the asker would accept the response graciously and return to their business of brokering the elusive FLKiss on behalf of that special loved one. But consider, that having a masculine presentation or identity may provide individuals with the implicit licence to disregard even so much as a mild consideration of your comforts, your boundaries, your potential relationship status or negotiated boundaries, your head and heartspace, your relationship to your gendered body, and your desires.

Consider that it is simply not okay to not accept 'no' for an answer. It is not okay, for you or your brother, your gay boyfriend, his cousin, or your ENTIRE circle of girl friends to continue to pursue your object of desire on your behalf after said person has said 'no'. "Oh come on, she just wants a kiss. You are really cute and it would be so great for her." Consider that it is not okay to stalk said person around a nightclub for the express purpose of acquiring the elusive and now forced first kiss. Consider that the Butch or Trans person you have repeatedly asked after stalking and being told 'no' numerous times and ways actually has no obligation to be your first kiss. We have no obligation or duty to make you feel sexy and give up our sexual and personal desires to you, so that you may have a nice story - a feel good memory, or a hot experience.

Example #2. Commodification.

Consider for a moment, that sometimes Butch and Trans people in our communities might experience a bit of commodification in terms of their masculine presentation and the desirability of such. For a moment, let us examine the experience of, on the one hand, having daily micro-aggressions set upon you from moving about the world conducting one's daily business and being constantly assessed, gawked at, harassed, or threatened for one's non-traditional gender expression or presentation in the world.

Think for a moment, of then moving into queer/trans/womyn's spaces where your gender expression or your body and the way you look is now commodified, in short supply, desired, exotified and sexualized, specifically for it's presentation in your community. Think for a moment about what feelings might be experienced by said Butch/Trans/gender non-conforming person when you tell them how coveted they are for their gender presentation, and how lucky they must be to receive all of this status and desire from femmes/others in your community. In our community.

What does it mean when you approach a Butch person, or Trans person with the sole purpose and intent of getting into their pants, and upon hearing a 'no' without any consideration of the needs and preferences thereof, you disappear back into the community you came from - that you share, without ever giving a second thought to the need for said Butch or Trans person to have connections with individuals from their community who could potentially be their friends?

Consider that some identities may be coveted for their sexualization and your attraction to them, and may rarely experience an extension of emotional grace and gentleness around the need to be accepted for their embodied self as a whole, emotional being and full member of our community first and foremost, rather than a hot new person to fuck. What does the interplay of revulsion in dominant societal experiences, coupled with exclusion and exotification for sexual gratification do to a person of a masculine/non-normative gender presentation in your community? What messages does it send to them?

Example #3. The Partnered Butch

Imagine for a moment, that some Butches/Transfolk/Gender Warriors in our community, may be in a relationship with one or more person. Imagine that you have seen them out and about in the community with their partner(s), or even their date, and not knowing the status of their relationship, you have openly sexualized said Butch and tried to pick them up in front of their partner. Sometimes, their femme partner may also be a woman of colour - with you being a white femme. Imagine how invisible the femme partner of said Butch/trans person must feel when they are ignored in interactions as if they did not exist, whilst you carry on flirting with and attempting to pick up said person. You may or may not know the person you're interested in - but it doesn't really matter. You still try to pick them up.

Imagine they have graciously deflected and diplomatically declined your advances due to their relationship status (let alone their desires or interest in you), and you have not seemed to get the message. You would like to get fucked. Preferably sooner, rather than later - regardless of the status of your interest, and their clearly telling you they are not available and/or interested. Imagine the person you desire is trying to keep femme invisibility at the forefront of their diplomatic rejection of your advances in their head and heart spaces as they move through the world and interactions with you. What kind of costs are involved when assumptions are made as to the relationship dynamics of folks you are interested in, in terms of femme solidarity and community?

Example #4. The Proposition.

Regardless of the relationship status of the gender non-conforming individual, it is possible to move through queer, womyn's, and trans spaces and experience not a single conversation of value in terms of openness of dialogue, feelings, thoughts, and personhood - before getting propositioned for sex. It is possible to move through the world as a masculine identified person, on the street, in a club, at the workplace, at conferences, at a restaurant and at events, and be purposely avoided and ignored by the majority of individuals in society at large, whilst simultaneously being sexually propositioned from interested parties without any foreword. Consider that individuals think it is okay to stop you in the street, tell you how sexy they think you are and "Do you wanna fuck?" Well, do you? If you do, that is fine. But, consider if you do not. What effect does this explicit sexualization and propositioning of your person do to your sense of connection to others and possibility for relationships, in the context of exclusion from everyday interactions in dominant society?

Essentially, these interactions, experiences and small examples are meant to provide context for those who might not otherwise think that it is possible to sexually essentialize the Trans/Butch/Non normatively gendered person and what effects this may have on members of our community.

Everyone is entitled to have attractions, flirt, and pick others up. I am simply asking you to think of the consequences some types of actions and expectations might have for people whom you might not have considered were capable of experiencing challenges around respect for their sexual, gendered and emotional being. When we collectively start acknowledging and thinking of these experiences and challenges, we set the stage for consensual, abundant, and connective sexuality that respects individual preferences and diversity.

FEMASCULINITY

Words, words, words, can't live with them... so let's create some new ones!

It occurred to me the other day that there should be a word that sums up an experience of being (or having been) 'female' while holding a position of masculinity. In said position, one could also id as any number of locations or combinations of gender and sexuality. The difference being, that the word itself recognizes, denotes, and actively subverts traditional notions of masculinity by locating it within a female socialized experience. That is to say, those who have been socialized from birth to see themselves and be seen as 'female,' and yet hold masculine centred identities or traits.

Femasculinity = masculinity located within an experience or history of femaleness. A disruption of the traditional notions of masculinity and femininity by virtue of its residing in constructed female space and imposed norms of femininity.

Femasculinity can be applied to butch women, transgender identified butches, trans men, genderqueers, straight women, or whomever feels it describes them.

Sounds nice, doesn't it? In thinking about limited language to adequately describe the experiences of complex social locations and identities - or expressions of inner self - I feel it is important to delineate and create at least one word that specifically signifies the disruptive experience of occupying non-traditional femininity or masculinity within a socialized female experience.

When I think of myself as trans, I do not specifically root myself in this experience of female socialization. 'Trans,' for me, signifies where I am at, not where I have been. Transmasculinity, as applied to my own experience, expresses a position of non-normative maleness within a spectrum (or better yet, matrix) of masculine identity which resides outside of cis-sexual male experience. It can be applied to those who do not identify with ever having had a female experience. This is where new words become necessary.

A concept of femasculinity refines language once again to expand our ideas of gender and give space for recognition of having been raised with female social norms and expectations, while having experienced a sense of oneself and reality that lies in contravention or outside of those confining parameters.

Whether one ID's as 'female' or not, having had a history of female socialization imposed on one's biological being and systematically shed throughout the lifetime inherently impacts one's self concept, their evolution, the struggles they've been through, their uniqueness, and the person they are today. Everything I am has been rooted in my struggle to move beyond my imposed perception of femaleness and normative femininity. Yet, I am okay with having that history - that struggle.

I choose a word that disrupts my sexualization and genderization and invokes the struggle of that disruption to exemplify me.

Femasculinity.

Existential Angst & Self Determination

I feel like I've spent a lifetime in existential angst.

Perhaps this is why androgynous, bigendered, intersexed, Two-spirited and transfolk have been regarded in ancient times, as well as today in some cultures as occupying a place of spiritual wisdom.

Being born into a world where one's signals are eternally misread, designified, or regarded with hostility can force a level of introspection and investigation into the soul which few individuals have the need to tread through.

A good friend of mine once asked me, "You know, I never understood why you care what other people think? What does it matter how they react to you? Just be yourself."

Indeed, just being oneself is a complex project when that self is perpetually scrutinized and erased. The process of self expression can become a colossal task burdened with unconscious stifling and burial to the depths of which remain unseen for one's lifetime, only to be uncovered by a realization of the removal and disconnection of that self from significant relationships, social situations, and reality itself.

I did not have a language for why I experienced such a degree of detachment, social anxiety and discomfort. I did not know that my self was being misrepresented. That I had moved so far away from myself that I no longer knew how to relate to others. It is still a struggle. I did not know that the reason I tuned out of so many conversations and interactions was because the nature of sharing which occurred revolved around a binary of experiences that I was not a part of. That I can never be a part of.

Introductions are especially difficult. At which point of establishing a new relationship do you enter the difficult territory of Pronouns or Gender 101? Particularly with individuals outside of the oh-so-comfortable Queer Bubble? I've taken to the task of identifying my preference for address as soon as possible, in order to establish early on the way I should be perceived. The way that respects me and sets the tone for undoing all manner of assumptions and ladyfication. Assumptions which continuously seek to emasculate and reify with universal womanhood.

However, this is not always an opportune event. In class introductions, for example, attaching an add-on to my name which does little to explain my gender is likely to alienate, rather than provoke understanding. I would rather not feel further alienated. And yet, the alternative is to wait for correction. This is also highly problematic, as assumptions carry steam and move forward without my consent. So, which is the less awkward?

This task becomes especially tricky when one is attracted to queer women, and even simply in navigating queer circles where gender has yet to hit the radar, or is trapped in ideals of certain identities. I often wish that all members of the queer community somehow just *got it.* That there exists a readily available pool of folks who can just see my being for what it is without having to explain, explain, correct, correct, and explain. This has been complicated by the struggle on my part to even find suitable language to begin with. I have found that none exists. The closest thing to being suitable is neutral or third party references such as "they." Yet, no matter how many times one asserts pronouns and gender preferences.... even in queer circles "she's" and "lady's" crop up. Each assumption and misstep, after a lifetime of existential crisis, rediscovery, and precarious self assertion, unwittingly comes with a feeling of being winded. A kick to the chest.

I am not blaming folks for getting it wrong. For tripping up when we have all been conditioned to "she" and "he" and nothing more. It is understandable that in the process of self discovery, finding oneself and asserting identity with limited pronouns that friends, family and strangers alike might feel confusion as to what is appropriate at any given moment. What I am saying is that relapsing to the binary does come with emotional consequences. Consequences which unfortunately still have to be managed in the time that society rediscovers the diversity of gender and learns what to do with it.

In creating our selves in our own image, finding language and using it in a way that suits us individually - we come to self determination. This journey through existential angst does provide benefit. The resulting array of gender fabulous people and identities that are busting the norms means that each individual person, gay/straight/cis/bio/trans may explore what their gender means to them and take steps to embrace it. Hell, to even flaunt it.

Existential angst has its privileges.

Butch AND Trans?

Okay, I am realizing that use of labels is becoming outdated for me. They don't quite capture all the variation that exists in the way of identity and gender, nor adequately express those differences and complexities. However, given that we have labels, and those labels carry with them significant histories and cultural discourse around what gender looks like, acts like, feels like, and how it interacts in relationship to people and things - I feel it is necessary to propose a grey area with those terms we often see as in opposition to, or in competition with one another.

Let's look at this for a moment. There has been a huge cultural discourse around Butch and Transmasculine/FtM identities and their meanings within lesbian and queer communities. These conversations have largely been unspoken in public settings due to some tensions and hostilities around validating and affirming these identities. The discussions seem to mostly be around Transmasculine/Transsexual women-loving identities, as a point of comparison to Butch as a noun. We may no longer talk openly about it, but many of us are still working out for ourselves what the relationship of Butch and Trans means. Do either identities or subject positions somehow threaten one another? I am going to say, the relationship is more complex than this.

I wager there is space to conceive of Butch and Transmasculine/FtM identities as co-ocurring, or coalescing. I'm simply going to speak from my own experience here... but I don't view the categories of Butch and Trans as entirely separate entities as applied to my own identity. And, I fully support the space occupied by those that don't similarly identify, and instead strictly hold space as either Butch or Trans.

I have spent many years trying to reconcile the two master identities (obviously there are different varieties of Butch and Trans) and have come to the conclusion that there is a fluid space within me which exists, and is not easily captured or contained within either identity separately. I share aspects of both Butch, and Transmasculine/FtM identities... and others as well: puppy, sissyboi, fagbutch, trannybutch, butchboidyke, to name a few. I do not feel like a woman-loving woman, lesbian, queer girl, or even simply as a Butch of any sort. I really do not feel at home with an understanding of myself as woman, period. Yet, I do occupy a space within what is seen as a female body. So, there are overlaps in experience of that female body for sure, with those who identify as Butch or Trans, in comparison to how those who identify as women perceive their bodies.

I understand what it is like to have breasts and a period, for example. Yet, my relationship to those experiences is much different from many, if not most women, straight or queer identified. I do not view my physiological processes as inherently womanly or feminine. Nor, do I see my identity as dependent on these processes. Having a period or breasts, does not somehow make me a woman - just as not having breasts or a period does not. My gender stands alone, and influences my experience of these bodily processes, however the meaning imposed on my parts by outside society increases the discomfort and disembodiment of my gender and the connection to my body.

Although I acknowledge the limitations of the terms feminine and masculine, the closest idea of what I most identify with as far as flavours of identity and internal concept goes, is something of the effeminate male or effeminate masculine position. This position produces a much different experience of my bodily processes - processes which have largely been removed from me and institutionalized as one way of being - than someone who identifies strictly as female or woman.

This is one example of the relationship of my intangible gender to my physical being. In order to look at this grey zone more fully, it is necessary to examine this relationship closer. Having breasts and a period (as a mild example) is something I often feel uncomfortable associating with, because of the transcription of those aspects of my body as female and necessarily feminine. It is this reification of my parts and processes by outside forces that I am uncomfortable with most, and the lack of space for any other relationship or understanding of them outside of myself and radical circles. And yet, there is a physical element of discomfort outside of this proscription of space within my own body, and the narrowing by others of the possibilities of how to relate to my body in the flavour and manner that is most comfortable to me.

For me, it is simply uncomfortable to experience a period, and to have breasts. It is especially uncomfortable when one is a highly athletic being, and likes to move around. It is particularly uncomfortable, when I would love to experience the freedom of my chest muscles by themselves, without the bonus of additional anything, and to feel the strength of those muscles unencumbered by extra tissue, which I will never actually use for feeding small humans. I believe both those who identify as Butch and Transmasculine can relate to this discomfort (and some, may not). In fact, I would go so far as to say that my breast tissue interferes with my body's fully maximal capability for gaining musculature and definition - by way of inhibiting my sensory relationship with my chest muscles, and their growth while working out. Anyone who body builds would be familiar with this sensation and the relationship to motivation and training results.

These are some elements of the physical embodiment of gender and examples of how the embodiment of Butch and Trans identities may share overlap. It is hard to separate the physicality of someone and the relationship to their physical presentation from the interaction with one's psychic gender, given the social processes involved in delegitimizing those relationships. There are many ways in which the body, as a site of reification of the idea of a gender binary by dominant societal notions, shapes the comfort of one's gender identity - and subsequently, the steps one takes to craft one's appearance and make choices around presentation that resists this hegemony, thus creating space for alternative identities.

Insofar as the experience of my masculinity within my sexualized body is uncomfortable to me, I believe I share the experience of Butch and Trans. Further than this, I do not occupy a strict congruent relationship to either identity. I do not wish to be perceived solely as a masculine, female, lesbian, nor a transsexual masculine male. Both have social consequences that I am not comfortable with, and which translate into different perceptions and understandings of me by outside parties that do not actually account for my own unique identity.

In adding my voice to claiming a space for Butch and Trans as a grey area of identity (along with others who feel similarly), I hope to not further conflate or add to the antagonism between these identities. My hope is to open the door for alternative dialogue that affirms those who fall somewhere in between.

A Word on Words

Today I enjoyed my first class of human sexuality studies. In a matter of minutes, the Prof summed up his opinions on language and categorization that I have been stewing on for years.

Language is simply inadequate to classify sex, sexuality, sexual orientation, habits, practices, and desires. The terms that we have to describe our sex, gender, and sexuality, are all misleading and incomplete at best, and inaccurate at worst. They are simply what we have arrived at until this moment, when we come up with some better way of understanding the complexity with which we exist and express ourselves.

I still struggle with the terms masculine and feminine. On the one hand, I feel like they have been misaligned with a constructed sexual binary of male and female. Maleness goes with masculinity, femaleness with femininity according to traditional notions. However, it is our social norms that have dictated the resistance to acknowledge and respect the expression of gender identities that do not fall neatly into such either/or categories.

There is also the idea that notions of masculinity and femininity in themselves, are problematic and not able to accurately depict or classify a quality of someone's gender. For example, ideas of masculinity and femininity have also been largely socially constructed and carry oppositional connotations. In fact, neither term would exist without the other to oppositionally define it. Yet, the terms also carry the weight of a patriarchal value system that sees masculine characteristics as positive: namely strong and powerful and the sole domain of certain males, while the notion of femininity has been constructed as negative by association with terms such as soft, sensitive, and gentle, and reserved solely for females.

Thankfully, femininity and masculinity are slowly becoming more acceptable expressions from "opposite" genders, allowing for men to express their "femininity," and women their "masculinity," or some combination thereof. However, this does not cover the entire gender spectrum. And, it also does not challenge the construction of the terms themselves and why certain values have been placed in either category.

One of my biggest struggles as a non-gender conforming, masculine identified person is the reluctance, refusal, and dismissal of my masculinity simply because it is expressed within a "female" body. I place female in quotation marks because what makes someone female or male is not so clear. An excellent, if long, article on sex in sport touches on this lack of clarity and definition of sex: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/11/30/091130fa_fact_levy?currentPage=all

Whichever way one chooses to examine the notion of sex; literally "the divide," whether it be chromosomes, hormones, genitalia, muscle mass or fat distribution, body hair, etc., there is no clear division. Each of us carries estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone in varying amounts, with some normative distribution for sure. But the combination of factors producing one's body characteristics and internal sense of self with regards to gender are probably as individual as the person.

So, why the big resistance to acknowledging my "masculine" traits as A) existing, and B) a positive thing? Why do I have to be lumped in with "ladies" when clearly I am about the farthest thing from one? Any trip down Granville St. or jaunt to GM Place for a concert will reveal that I clearly don't fit in with the "ladies." I suppose there is often the polite assumption that referring to someone's masculinity while they inhabit a female body may be offensive, yet to me it is offensive when people do everything they can to overlook that presentation.

I went shoe shopping a few months ago for boots, was staring at the men's boots and asking questions about sizes available. The well meaning store clerk said that the size I was looking for was not available, but that there were some options on the women's side of the store. She literally pointed to an array of high topped, pointy toed, stilettos and said that I might be interested to check them out. I ask myself in such moments: "Is this person from Mars?" Honestly, what in my appearance would suggest that I would ever own a pair of such boots, save for a rare drag performance? My response to her was, "Actually, I don't wear women's shoes." She seemed tongue tied and didn't know what to say, so I offered "I'm actually okay with my masculinity, ya know?" to which she replied, "Oh yeah, I've got this sweater that is kind of bigger and long sleeved. Yeah totally."

I guess the point is, why are so many folks threatened by cross-gendered individuals using accurate terms to define themselves? Even within the queer community, there is much refusal and dismissal of the validity of trans and gender non-conforming identity to have access to words that are traditionally reserved for those within the gender binary. I can be in a room filled with lesbians, and it is assumed that I am a "sister." And if I chose to out myself as something other than "she," crickets might be heard emerging from couch cushions.

My challenge to anyone reading this and who is reluctant to provide space for and respect someone's true gender identity is this: ask that person how they prefer to be addressed, and don't assume how they identify. This goes a long way to providing support and space for identities that are so often made invisible and shameful.