How many of you (us) who work in social work identify with having 'mental illness'? How many of you (us) have experienced some form of trauma in y(our) history that drove you into a field where compassion is central to working with folks who have also experienced trauma? I wager the answer is very different for these two questions, largely due to the framing of mental health 'issues.' What exactly are we talking about when we speak of mental health? Why have we succumbed to a medicalization of our spirits... the auspices of our hearts?
Despite the assumptions you might make about social workers or counsellors, many of us enter this work based in some experience of suffering. Some of us don’t subscribe to hierarchical ideals of ‘professionalism’ and come from our own histories and understandings of trauma which drive us to provide safe space for others to explore their experiences. Some of us (have) experience(ed) first hand what it means to be 'ill.' I put the word 'ill' in quotations because I do believe that the medical system has appropriated the experience of human suffering; sought to classify, contain, and treat it as individual disease as opposed to natural reactions to oppressive and traumatizing situations.
Some folks may differ in their consciousness of the impact of their trauma history on their desire to either work alongside, or to "save" others. Some folks believe they do not have a trauma history, and seek to consume the stories and suffering of others to placate a desire for meaning that is often facilitated by experiencing suffering. For folks entering into any activity that is aimed at being supportive or providing care to others, it is crucial to bring an awareness of one's own history and coping into full consciousness. Sometimes, we may seek to avoid the difficult work of reconciling our pasts, the emotional leftovers, and the unconscious desire to heal ourselves through working out our traumas on people who are already traumatized. This may happen in any realm of community, family, or social life, and is particularly loaded when entering into social justice work.
It is ironic that traumatic experiences - those which impact our hearts and souls - those which evoke strong emotional reactions in vivo, that may be carried with us as a blueprint for self protection for the rest of our lives, have been stripped of that very emotional content and processed into the systematic classification of psychiatric 'disorders.' It is striking, the degree to which simple human experiences and natural responses have become inconvenient and problematic, in the face of dehumanizing capitalist systems that alienate us from the possibility of self connection, and connection with others. Societal notions of competency and functioning are epitomized in the dehumanization of individuals who do not fit into a capitalist system. When folks are derailed in early childhood due to trauma, and are torn from the possibility of safe, nurturing relationships with direct caregivers, or anyone at all, survival can become contingent upon the numbing of pain. Witnessing mainstream society's disdain, degradation, and dehumanization of those visibly suffering with substance misuse and mental health issues becomes emblematic of the distance we have been conditioned to accept from our own hearts. We have become desensitized to the notion that we do have feelings. In order to function in large urban centers driven by capitalism, production, hours worked, goods bought, stress, and a lack of emotional space at all - it becomes necessary to distance ourselves from actual suffering, and instead, contain suffering as a 'disordered' experience in need of medical repair.
A Bit About My Story
I was driven to try to make sense of people, behaviour, communication, and why we do what we do from a very young age. That was my survival strategy. Growing up, I watched my small, isolated, working class immigrant family struggle to support my brother with scarce resources and funding. Doctor's error had resulted in my brother's breech position being complicated by an hour and a half of being stuck in my mother's birth canal with no intervention. The resulting suffocation of the umbilical chord led to my brother being born with profound disabilities. In our small town B.C. rural context in the seventies and eighties, social services were glaringly absent. There were no such things as careshifting, respite support, community rallies, automated doors, wheelchair stalls, chair lifts, ramps, motorized chairs (or even padded chairs), or sidewalk dips, for example. My mother recently recalled a story that exemplified her and my brother's struggle. They would go for a stroll regularly to get out of the house, get exercise, fresh air, and find human contact in our neighborhood. They would be on a shopping outing walking down the street only to have to overcome each cross street with a set of large, foreboding curbs. My mother would have to navigate by lifting, pulling, and teetering my brother's heavy, inflexible, non-padded, un-ergonomic chair and my brother would have to brace himself to be potentially dumped or at least jostled all the way to wherever they were going.
One day, my mother became so frustrated and enraged at these physical barriers she marched herself and my brother right up and into the City Hall. She walked with my brother over to the front desk and demanded to speak to someone. The person obliged and my mother relayed with great frustration (in her third language...Bulgarian, German, then English, and 9th grade education level) the amount of distress the city was causing by not foreseeing the need to remove or minimize barriers such as curbs, and how this was limiting our ability to get around the city for basic things like shopping for groceries.
Several months later, the city began flattening the curbs.
My father had great difficulties processing his emotions around having a son with disabilities. He grew up in Germany as a small child during the second world war and undoubtedly internalized notions of disability as "personal defect" and a "dirty secret." He cut himself off from family as a young man and hopped a large steamer to 'Canada' (Turtle Island) to start fresh. When my brother was born, he refused to tell anyone in his family... fearing the judgments, stigma, and blame of a first born son who would not live up to the idealized expectations of manhood. In a span of four years during the war, under "Aktion T4" the Nazi eugenics ("mercy killing") program slaughtered hundreds of thousands of people with disabilities by gassing, drugs, then starvation for what was considered "life unworthy of living." Carrying these judgments, fear, and lacking the appropriate resources to properly care for and support his son, sprinkled with long periods of unemployment as a machinist left my father feeling helpless, depressed and angry.
None of us had the language to understand my father's 'mental health' issues at this time. All we knew was that he would periodically, suddenly, shut down and stop speaking to all of us. He would be seething and distant, drink booze secretively, and burst into rage and violence when simple things frustrated him. My brother received the brunt of this violence. I watched helplessly at the kitchen table each night as my brother, misunderstood by us all (we did not understand his speech until he was 33; he is 38 now) acted in frustration and anger undoubtedly at the fact that none of us were able to properly understand him. My brother's anger became screams, then biting himself and convulsing in protest. Our unshared language provided fertile ground for explosive family violence. In response, my father would yell, scream at, and physically assault my brother to try and 'control' him.
This did not work.
Meanwhile, my mother would try her best to intervene and would get caught in the crossfire. My brother would scream at her, my father would scream at her, she would scream at my father and brother, and I would watch silently. This started from as far back as my earliest memories. Years went by, and frustration became rage, became violence, became suffering, became rage and so on, and the family dynamics imploded. I will spare you the details, but suffice to say, all of us were traumatized as a result. When I reached seventeen, the family finally split up. I had been praying for this since I was twelve.
As an adult, I unconsciously carried the weight of these experiences - and the overwhelming emotions I had submerged as a result - with me. I sought to create a safe and stable home environment with my friends, focussed on getting myself employed and educated and created some distance from the chaos and strife of my first 20 years. In coping with these experiences, not to mention my buried sexuality and gender identity, I became so emotionally distant from my self and my family I barely knew they existed. I thought I was doing very well for myself, and by all accounts I was... until the anxiety, nightmares, sleep issues and depression creeped in.
It is very difficult to distinguish the onset of something like depression. Obviously it looks very different for each individual, but I was completely unprepared for how this manifested in my own life. I was working with others who were resisting psychiatric labels imposed on their lives, and I had no understanding of how my own experiences of trauma had impacted me. It took at least six years for me to discover that I had, in fact, withdrawn emotionally from most aspects of life. Because I was able to function at my job, pay bills, hold an apartment, and have (often deeply compassionate) social interactions, I was unable to understand what depression looked like for me. I became frustrated and defeated at the sense of a gradual loss of joy, connection and meaning with everything around me. It became apparent to me that my experience of 'mental illness' was conflated with notions of functionality. My capacity to go through the motions of life obscured the drain my soul and heart felt. When it became difficult for me to do anything other than sit at my desk, in my office, staring blankly into space for long periods of time with no feelings to speak of... and picking up a phone to speak to a client felt like dragging my body through liquid cement, I finally realized my trauma had caught up with me. Simple tasks which I intellectualized the facility of, betrayed an understanding of the centrality of my emotions and health of my spirit in my capacity to do them. This was evident in all facets of my life, and I felt overwhelmed with a desire for rest and sleep... a desire which never seemed to be quenched.
Moving Forward
Working in a formal mental health care environment and experiencing things that are quantified as mental illness carries a particular gingerness in terms of self disclosure, and seeking help. For me, there was this desire to deny that I indeed, needed help, because I was the helper. I was supposed to be giving help. Furthermore, in many social services and healthcare settings who do specific work with folks labelled as having 'mental illness,' there is a silent *othering* and distancing of agency and staff dynamics from the possibility of sharing in the complexity of emotional needs and support that are the crux of diagnoses. This distancing indicates a desire for those occupying the institutional helping machine to uphold some sort of immunity from the baseness that begets a stigmatized status as mental health consumer. In the same moment that such agencies are advocating alongside survivors for the right to equity, humanity, centering of resiliency and emotional connectivity, toxic staff and management dynamics make true advocacy and support of mental health and the recovery of spirits and souls invisible, self-reinforcing issues. The desire for authentication and reification of 'professionalism' in such institutions perpetuates a medicalized, distancing, 'objective' approach to broken hearts that manifest in a mental health mismanagement system, and the neglect and death of spirits. The impacts of this broken system are especially felt on those spirits disproportionately carrying the weight of years of systemic, intergenerational traumas, colonization, racism, genocide, and scapegoating of their bodies and souls.
So, how do we disrupt this medical model machinery from the inside, in support of those hearts most vulnerable, and affected? If we are to work at the task of helping others heal from terrible, inhumane systems, we must do everything in our power to make those systems human again from the ground up. Taking responsibility for our own health and wellness by seeking therapy, counselling, spiritual guidance, friend and family support and so on, is imperative. By engaging in a reflexive process of accountability, healing, and cultivation of joy we become better able to relate to others, especially our colleagues, in compassionate, grounded, authentic ways. Bringing an emotional presence and awareness to one's daily life, and the group processes that often bog down interpersonal relations in well meaning systems of care, can go far in changing the affective tone and conditions under which systems impact others attempting to heal, or simply survive from their traumas. Bringing a heart centered lens to interactions with all levels of the systems we are entrusted with can enable a welcoming and greater centering of client/service user/community member needs, desires, strengths and capacities.
Beyond this, shifting the language used, especially in medical settings, that constantly seeks to erase personal experience and narrative and replace with pathos and reparative, knee jerk treatment, can bring about the slow process of shifting conceptualizations from illness to wholeness. Centering a language of trauma, and contextualizing trauma in relation to systems and processes, while emphasizing resiliency, strength and coping strategies in all conversations of wellness and health management can subtly usurp the fundamentally flawed notion of objectivity. The idea of practicing *on* others' bodies, can be sublimated and considered in the context of additional weighted options for care, as opposed to the be-all of care or assistance. Inserting a language of radical affirmation and validation, particulurly when problem solving with medical practitioners regarding clients dealing with complex issues resulting from intense, sustained and repeated experiences of trauma, can re-introduce the centrality of the spirit as a driving force in recovery. Over time, shifting of language away from detached rationalization and immediate problem solving to the gradual recovery of the heart from traumatic experiences through supportive, lateral relationships with fellow humans can transform individual practice and connectivity, team functioning, institutional frameworks and systemic practice as well.
The roles of psychiatric classification and medicine can begin to be deconstructed as flawed tools that often isolate and harm individuals and groups. If such tools are seen as having disproportionate power of imposing definitions of functionality on individual experiences, and this logic of individual pathology is replaced with understandings of resiliency and coping in reaction to oppressive systems - the stigma of diagnosis can be externalized. Medical options can be weighted in addition to building upon healthy resistance strategies that positively impact health and well being. Understandings from instruments like the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders can be extracted in discussion with, and if they hold meaning for the individual, while distancing from the all encompassing patholigization of being.
Indigenous (feminist) communities have been practicing what we (social justice activists and practitioners) call community strengthening and resiliencey for years. Consideration of all aspects of a spirit's health, wholeness, and happiness, by addressing indadequate housing, food access, culturally sensitive, client centered health care, relationships, and the connection of all these things and more to the pain and heartbreak experienced by individuals labelled with mental illness can transform a heartsick care system.
What role can you as a community member, family, friend, activist, worker, or supportive other play in this? If you are already practicing or living with these concerns and awareness, my challenge to you is it fully bring heart centered practice (and what that means to you) to all of your communication and relations and break the cycle of emotional violence that disconnects us all from each other. This does not mean toning down our passions or our fight, but it is a challenge to incorporate empathy and compassion even when we are demanding accountability and change within those fights.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
(Trans)Formation: Self Portraits
A selection of self shot images taken the night before chest reconstruction surgery.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Transphobia in Relationship: A Sampling of Abusive Behaviours
This topic has been percolating for some time. Folks have spoken about it somewhat, but a misappropriation of terms and complexity of factors have served to muddy what is actually quite clearly inappropriate, and sometimes abusive behaviour on the part of some friends, family, and those we are intimate with... lovers and partners alike. These following behaviours go beyond mere ignorance of trans issues and land squarely in the category of harming others.
The following is an unrepresentative sample of some behaviours which can be emotionally harmful to trans people:
1) Refusing to accept the exploration of trans identity.
eg.) You bring up the possibility or curiosity of what it means to be trans and your partner doesn't want to talk about it. They claim they are "overwhelmed," "not ready for it" and that it is unfair to do so.
What's wrong with this?
While it is fair that a partner may feel overwhelmed at the prospect of exploring a change which may reflect back at them a lack of fit for their own identity, or a complication of how they know themselves, or you.... shutting down a partner sends the message that there is no space to talk about the possibility of being trans. It effectively sends a message of shame and fear to a potential trans identified person.
What can I do differently?
Address your own transphobia. Explore the resistance you have to talking about your partner's transness with trusted friends, or a counsellor. How can you be supportive while dealing with your own complicated feelings? Why are your feelings complicated? Explore all the facets of fear of loss, change, and assumptions about identity you may have. Deal with yourself first, do not make being trans the problem. After getting support to process your feelings, don't be a "martyr" and stay with someone you are not into. Trans people don't need people to pity us, we need folks to accept and love us unconditionally, and there are plenty of folks capable of doing this.
2) Refusing to gender/name your partner or loved one as per their request.
eg.) You tell your partner/family member/friend you would like to use a new pronoun/name. They may laugh in response. Maybe not. Sometimes they tell you flat out they won't "be able" to do that. Sometimes they will complain about how difficult it is to use your new pronoun/name. Sometimes they agree to use your new pronoun/name and continue to introduce you to anyone and everyone by the old pronoun/name. Sometimes they apologize. Most of the time they do not even acknowledge their disrespect. They claim you are being unreasonable when you correct them.
What's wrong with this?
Introducing a trans person by their old pronoun or name can be a selfish act of avoidance "cis" people engage in when they aren't brave enough to confront gender norms. It is based in a sense of shame and fear of being "othered" along with the trans person.
What can I do differently?
Take a risk! Stand up for your trans loved one and deal with the consequences accordingly by putting people in their place if they have a shitty response. Standing in solidarity with trans people sends the signal to others that transphobia is not okay. Quite often, people don't even have a problem with it! Address your own shame around what it means, societally, to be trans. Get support for this. If you make a mistake, immediately correct yourself and apologize.
3) Talking about how much you love the person's original parts and how you don't believe they should go through with surgery. Characterizing surgery as drastic, too traumatic, unbearable or even some form of mutilation.
What's wrong with this?
Partners or lovers, or even family members, of trans folks may have particular attachment to a trans person's body parts and plenty of imposed meaning on those parts. Reacting to a trans person's desire to converse about the possibility of surgery with shock, fear, revulsion, or avoidance signals to trans people that a major option for their embodiment and potential release of anxiety and discomfort is unavailable. Acceptance of the trans person and risk of abandonment become tied to whether or not that person desires surgery as a form of embodiment.
What can I do differently?
Acknowledge your feelings around the potential loss of relationship and particular meaning associated with your significant other's body parts. Commit to spending time with supportive others/a counsellor to properly do this. Change your language so that acceptance of the trans person is not contingent on their potential embodiment. Do not project your grief onto your partner as a way to manipulate the steps they may take to come into themselves wholly.
4) Claiming the language used by trans people to own their bodies is offensive.
eg.) Trans folks may often use "blended terms" to refer to our junk, as a way of reclaiming the meaning imposed on our bodies. We may call our parts "man boobs, chesticles, mangina, hole, gurl pussy" etc. etc. In response, others may view these terms as degrading or misogynistic without consideration for the context.
What's wrong with this?
Trans people aren't referring to YOUR bodies, we are reclaiming OUR bodies. Whatever terms you use to describe your junk are your business, and vice versa. Terms for 'sex organs' are loaded with cis normativity and privilege and taking back words or creating new ones can be very powerful ways for trans folk to own and represent our bodies as we see fit.
What can I do differently?
Laugh accordingly, and use the terms we use for our bodies. Trans folks often have a wicked sense of humour which shows our resilience in the face of so much oppression, violence, and degradation. Many of us adopt a sense of playfulness about our bodies and how people view them. If you are having a reaction to this, check it out. Maybe your assumptions about body parts need to be reconfigured and your cis normativity and privilege dealt with.
5) Transposing notions of acceptable embodiment onto trans folk.
eg.) Your cis partner tells you how much your body frightens them. They disclose a history of assault and equate your musculature or size with their assault - stating they don't know if they can date you because of it.
What's wrong with this?
Trans people have struggled with our embodiment, and transgressing gender norms since our coming into this world. We navigate impositions of what we can and should be every millisecond of our lives. We have struggled hard to attain and live with physiques that provide a modicum of solace and comfort - at great expense, violence, and exclusion from many facets of society. Equating your abuse history with a trans person's physical embodiment - something which we cannot undo and is essential for our survival - is to say that the embodiment is the source of your trauma. In fact, size and strength do not determine who an abuser will be. Small/slight statured people can also be seriously abusive, and moreover, emotional abuse has no physical form.
What can I do differently?
Get support for dealing with your trauma history. Process through with someone other than your date or partner why it is you are feeling triggered and do not transpose this onto your date’s body. If you are feeling uncomfortable, end it respectfully, and work on providing yourself the safety you need.
6) Treating a trans person differently once you discover they are on hormones.
eg.) A trans guy has been taking T for several months with no noticeable changes. Suddenly, when it becomes apparent physical and vocal changes are present, the same friend(s) ask with suspicion if you are taking T. Their body language has shifted considerably, clearly suggesting discomfort and hostility. Your behaviour hasn't changed, but your gender markers have. This is immediately equated with what are considered to be the worst aspects of hetero-normative masculinity.
What is wrong with this?
What is wrong is that your assumptions are not in line with the person's actual behaviour. Two seconds ago, when you didn't know your friend was "transitioning" you treated them just fine. Now that you are aware of the changes you treat them based on how you expect them to behave. You assume that their masculinity, not their behaviour, is the problem.
What can I do differently?
Reflect on why it is you are feeling uncomfortable with your friend's shifting presentation. Look at your friend's behaviour, the things they say and do - not their bodies/voices. If they are using their bodies and voices to take up space in misogynistic or paternalistic ways (ways that infringe on you or others), then it is fair game to talk about such behaviours. But, do not assume or predict that this will automatically be the case.
7) Telling a trans person that they are far more attractive as their "original" gender and that they make an unattractive woman.
What is wrong with this?
This is seriously degrading and abusive. Don't ever do it.
What can I do differently?
Get help now. You are not the gatekeeper or barometer of "womanness." Seriously commit yourself to psychotherapy to process and deal with this. Avoid interactions with trans people until you sort this out.
8) Attempting to limit how your partner identifies. Telling your partner they are abandoning "Butch."
What is wrong with this?
Your partner may have very complicated feelings and grief around what it means to be Butch, if they have identified this way. Normative community narratives have made a congruence of butch and trans identities unavailable and shameful, while not recognizing some folks may identify as both, either simultaneously or sequentially.
What can I do differently?
You are not the arbiter or protector of Butch. It is valid to feel protective of Butch identity given the particular struggles of those living this reality... however, it is not your responsibility or place to determine what Butch is and whether folks can be Butch and Trans. Do personal work around expanding your awareness of the many ways trans/masculine people may come into their identities and be supportive of this.
9) Refusing to take a partner's trans/femaleness seriously because they have a beard, or body hair.
What is wrong with this?
Being a trans/woman/female/feminine person is not contingent on amount of body or facial hair. Some really hot trans women have full beards! Furthermore, many women have full beards (if they didn't wax). Projecting this onto trans women is unfair and loaded with transmisogyny/disrespect for their femaleness.
What can I do differently?
Do your own work around deconstructing the gender binary. Respect trans women for who they are, no matter how they present. Do not make validation and affirmation contingent upon normative standards of female beauty.
10) Refusing to date trans women, especially those who identify with having cocks, or who haven't had "bottom surgery" - particularly if you id as lesbian. Viewing dating a trans woman as some form of accomplishment and indication that you have challenged transphobia.
What is wrong with this?
Tying your refusal to date trans women with your lesbian identity reifies your inability to see trans women for who they truly are. It denigrates their identity and presentation and signals your perception that they are "less than" women. It is not an accomplishment to see someone for who they truly are (especially related to gender) - it is a basic ability as a human. Furthermore, if you are into rubber cocks and penetration yet you refuse to date trans women with cocks, penises, or pussies that are different from yours you are arbitrarily discriminating against these women based on their transness or transsexuality (credit to Alaska b. for this point).
What can I do differently?
Don't talk about how rad you are for crushing on or dating trans women. Don't treat or talk about it with friends as some kind of new project for yourself. Start to deconstruct some of your transmisogyny and how your behaviour is not tied to a lack of desire, but rather your unwillingness to validate transfemale realness. Do work around unpacking the "cis" male privilege you are incorrectly transposing on trans female bodies, whether they have cocks or not.
Published at: The Scavenger
*** If you come across hateful sites please report abuse (on the host site). To any readers who are facing hatred or cyber/bullying and in need of support please seek a local crisis line in your community or try this website AND KEEP RIGHTEOUSLY BEING YOU!!! LOVE AND SOLIDARITY. ~Xander Sly
The following is an unrepresentative sample of some behaviours which can be emotionally harmful to trans people:
1) Refusing to accept the exploration of trans identity.
eg.) You bring up the possibility or curiosity of what it means to be trans and your partner doesn't want to talk about it. They claim they are "overwhelmed," "not ready for it" and that it is unfair to do so.
What's wrong with this?
While it is fair that a partner may feel overwhelmed at the prospect of exploring a change which may reflect back at them a lack of fit for their own identity, or a complication of how they know themselves, or you.... shutting down a partner sends the message that there is no space to talk about the possibility of being trans. It effectively sends a message of shame and fear to a potential trans identified person.
What can I do differently?
Address your own transphobia. Explore the resistance you have to talking about your partner's transness with trusted friends, or a counsellor. How can you be supportive while dealing with your own complicated feelings? Why are your feelings complicated? Explore all the facets of fear of loss, change, and assumptions about identity you may have. Deal with yourself first, do not make being trans the problem. After getting support to process your feelings, don't be a "martyr" and stay with someone you are not into. Trans people don't need people to pity us, we need folks to accept and love us unconditionally, and there are plenty of folks capable of doing this.
2) Refusing to gender/name your partner or loved one as per their request.
eg.) You tell your partner/family member/friend you would like to use a new pronoun/name. They may laugh in response. Maybe not. Sometimes they tell you flat out they won't "be able" to do that. Sometimes they will complain about how difficult it is to use your new pronoun/name. Sometimes they agree to use your new pronoun/name and continue to introduce you to anyone and everyone by the old pronoun/name. Sometimes they apologize. Most of the time they do not even acknowledge their disrespect. They claim you are being unreasonable when you correct them.
What's wrong with this?
Introducing a trans person by their old pronoun or name can be a selfish act of avoidance "cis" people engage in when they aren't brave enough to confront gender norms. It is based in a sense of shame and fear of being "othered" along with the trans person.
What can I do differently?
Take a risk! Stand up for your trans loved one and deal with the consequences accordingly by putting people in their place if they have a shitty response. Standing in solidarity with trans people sends the signal to others that transphobia is not okay. Quite often, people don't even have a problem with it! Address your own shame around what it means, societally, to be trans. Get support for this. If you make a mistake, immediately correct yourself and apologize.
3) Talking about how much you love the person's original parts and how you don't believe they should go through with surgery. Characterizing surgery as drastic, too traumatic, unbearable or even some form of mutilation.
What's wrong with this?
Partners or lovers, or even family members, of trans folks may have particular attachment to a trans person's body parts and plenty of imposed meaning on those parts. Reacting to a trans person's desire to converse about the possibility of surgery with shock, fear, revulsion, or avoidance signals to trans people that a major option for their embodiment and potential release of anxiety and discomfort is unavailable. Acceptance of the trans person and risk of abandonment become tied to whether or not that person desires surgery as a form of embodiment.
What can I do differently?
Acknowledge your feelings around the potential loss of relationship and particular meaning associated with your significant other's body parts. Commit to spending time with supportive others/a counsellor to properly do this. Change your language so that acceptance of the trans person is not contingent on their potential embodiment. Do not project your grief onto your partner as a way to manipulate the steps they may take to come into themselves wholly.
4) Claiming the language used by trans people to own their bodies is offensive.
eg.) Trans folks may often use "blended terms" to refer to our junk, as a way of reclaiming the meaning imposed on our bodies. We may call our parts "man boobs, chesticles, mangina, hole, gurl pussy" etc. etc. In response, others may view these terms as degrading or misogynistic without consideration for the context.
What's wrong with this?
Trans people aren't referring to YOUR bodies, we are reclaiming OUR bodies. Whatever terms you use to describe your junk are your business, and vice versa. Terms for 'sex organs' are loaded with cis normativity and privilege and taking back words or creating new ones can be very powerful ways for trans folk to own and represent our bodies as we see fit.
What can I do differently?
Laugh accordingly, and use the terms we use for our bodies. Trans folks often have a wicked sense of humour which shows our resilience in the face of so much oppression, violence, and degradation. Many of us adopt a sense of playfulness about our bodies and how people view them. If you are having a reaction to this, check it out. Maybe your assumptions about body parts need to be reconfigured and your cis normativity and privilege dealt with.
5) Transposing notions of acceptable embodiment onto trans folk.
eg.) Your cis partner tells you how much your body frightens them. They disclose a history of assault and equate your musculature or size with their assault - stating they don't know if they can date you because of it.
What's wrong with this?
Trans people have struggled with our embodiment, and transgressing gender norms since our coming into this world. We navigate impositions of what we can and should be every millisecond of our lives. We have struggled hard to attain and live with physiques that provide a modicum of solace and comfort - at great expense, violence, and exclusion from many facets of society. Equating your abuse history with a trans person's physical embodiment - something which we cannot undo and is essential for our survival - is to say that the embodiment is the source of your trauma. In fact, size and strength do not determine who an abuser will be. Small/slight statured people can also be seriously abusive, and moreover, emotional abuse has no physical form.
What can I do differently?
Get support for dealing with your trauma history. Process through with someone other than your date or partner why it is you are feeling triggered and do not transpose this onto your date’s body. If you are feeling uncomfortable, end it respectfully, and work on providing yourself the safety you need.
6) Treating a trans person differently once you discover they are on hormones.
eg.) A trans guy has been taking T for several months with no noticeable changes. Suddenly, when it becomes apparent physical and vocal changes are present, the same friend(s) ask with suspicion if you are taking T. Their body language has shifted considerably, clearly suggesting discomfort and hostility. Your behaviour hasn't changed, but your gender markers have. This is immediately equated with what are considered to be the worst aspects of hetero-normative masculinity.
What is wrong with this?
What is wrong is that your assumptions are not in line with the person's actual behaviour. Two seconds ago, when you didn't know your friend was "transitioning" you treated them just fine. Now that you are aware of the changes you treat them based on how you expect them to behave. You assume that their masculinity, not their behaviour, is the problem.
What can I do differently?
Reflect on why it is you are feeling uncomfortable with your friend's shifting presentation. Look at your friend's behaviour, the things they say and do - not their bodies/voices. If they are using their bodies and voices to take up space in misogynistic or paternalistic ways (ways that infringe on you or others), then it is fair game to talk about such behaviours. But, do not assume or predict that this will automatically be the case.
7) Telling a trans person that they are far more attractive as their "original" gender and that they make an unattractive woman.
What is wrong with this?
This is seriously degrading and abusive. Don't ever do it.
What can I do differently?
Get help now. You are not the gatekeeper or barometer of "womanness." Seriously commit yourself to psychotherapy to process and deal with this. Avoid interactions with trans people until you sort this out.
8) Attempting to limit how your partner identifies. Telling your partner they are abandoning "Butch."
What is wrong with this?
Your partner may have very complicated feelings and grief around what it means to be Butch, if they have identified this way. Normative community narratives have made a congruence of butch and trans identities unavailable and shameful, while not recognizing some folks may identify as both, either simultaneously or sequentially.
What can I do differently?
You are not the arbiter or protector of Butch. It is valid to feel protective of Butch identity given the particular struggles of those living this reality... however, it is not your responsibility or place to determine what Butch is and whether folks can be Butch and Trans. Do personal work around expanding your awareness of the many ways trans/masculine people may come into their identities and be supportive of this.
9) Refusing to take a partner's trans/femaleness seriously because they have a beard, or body hair.
What is wrong with this?
Being a trans/woman/female/feminine person is not contingent on amount of body or facial hair. Some really hot trans women have full beards! Furthermore, many women have full beards (if they didn't wax). Projecting this onto trans women is unfair and loaded with transmisogyny/disrespect for their femaleness.
What can I do differently?
Do your own work around deconstructing the gender binary. Respect trans women for who they are, no matter how they present. Do not make validation and affirmation contingent upon normative standards of female beauty.
10) Refusing to date trans women, especially those who identify with having cocks, or who haven't had "bottom surgery" - particularly if you id as lesbian. Viewing dating a trans woman as some form of accomplishment and indication that you have challenged transphobia.
What is wrong with this?
Tying your refusal to date trans women with your lesbian identity reifies your inability to see trans women for who they truly are. It denigrates their identity and presentation and signals your perception that they are "less than" women. It is not an accomplishment to see someone for who they truly are (especially related to gender) - it is a basic ability as a human. Furthermore, if you are into rubber cocks and penetration yet you refuse to date trans women with cocks, penises, or pussies that are different from yours you are arbitrarily discriminating against these women based on their transness or transsexuality (credit to Alaska b. for this point).
What can I do differently?
Don't talk about how rad you are for crushing on or dating trans women. Don't treat or talk about it with friends as some kind of new project for yourself. Start to deconstruct some of your transmisogyny and how your behaviour is not tied to a lack of desire, but rather your unwillingness to validate transfemale realness. Do work around unpacking the "cis" male privilege you are incorrectly transposing on trans female bodies, whether they have cocks or not.
Published at: The Scavenger
*** If you come across hateful sites please report abuse (on the host site). To any readers who are facing hatred or cyber/bullying and in need of support please seek a local crisis line in your community or try this website AND KEEP RIGHTEOUSLY BEING YOU!!! LOVE AND SOLIDARITY. ~Xander Sly
Friday, December 2, 2011
Reconciling Dyke
I think it's time to take a little space to write about the intricacies of dyke and trans identities.
As you may know by now, I do not subscribe to the most *seen* trans/sexual narrative of being "born in the wrong body," of having a "clear destination" or "end point" in transition, of identifying strictly as male, or as a man at all. It has taken much trans visibility, activism, advancement in available options, and shedding of layers and layers of repression for me to even begin to understand how to holistically integrate my identity and embodiment in the most authentic, satisfactory way.
That said, I think it is important for me and others who may feel likewise to speak about that aspect of reconciliation - of making visible the linkages and coherency we have come to in our identities, historically and at present... despite a lack of foreground to do so. It's hard to reconcile having identified as a 'dyke' in a comprehensive way, and then feeling the right to retain that history as someone transitioning into a more 'male' appearance (for lack of better words). It feels like there is this pressure from various facets of our community to separate out these identity locations - to view one's dyke past as separate from themself; to disqualify it somehow. A trans male identity is often seen as the Great Departure from dykehood into the realm of No Man's Land. Community dynamics outside of (and still within) large, progressive urban centers such as T.O. highlight this separation and exclusion.
However, I believe it is the right of every person, trans or otherwise, to claim the coherence of their identity in the best way that it fits for them. This means creating space internally within oneself and in dialogue with others around having lived in both or many worlds of identity in an integrated way. The syncopation of a non-normatively linear path to identity may throw off others, but it need not exclude the possibility for rendering oneself and their narrative whole by including all aspects of their growth in identity and various periods of reclaimation.
In other words, I was a dyke. I am now trans. At once I was and am both. The historical urgency of claiming a dyke identity as the best possible fit for me at the time and subsequent emergence of my trans identity do not cancel each other out. They are deeply linked, not separate. For me, a dyke identity did precede and feed into my newly (consciously) formed trans identity. My understanding of my relationship to my body, my parts, my sexuality, my relationships with women (men, and transfolk), and the way I related between bodies in dyke identity was never complete on it's own (trans otherness always lingered despite lack of vocabulary). Yet those experiences were and still are an authentic part of my whole experience. My understanding of selfhood and the relationship to my and others' bodies have shifted, but 'dyke' for me was never a phase to begin with. It was simply the most suitable category I could live, thrive, and survive with.
That said, being a dyke has deeply shaped how I know myself as a trans person. It has inherently shaped my trans/feminist/humanist politics. My understanding of my own femaleness and having walked through the world for 30 years being read as solely female, with all the assumptions and impositions forthwith, define who I am comprehensively. These things do not form a lingering shadow of mis-fit or an unspoken past.
They are integral to my subjective experience of the world and will continue to shape how I learn and move through space and time.
As you may know by now, I do not subscribe to the most *seen* trans/sexual narrative of being "born in the wrong body," of having a "clear destination" or "end point" in transition, of identifying strictly as male, or as a man at all. It has taken much trans visibility, activism, advancement in available options, and shedding of layers and layers of repression for me to even begin to understand how to holistically integrate my identity and embodiment in the most authentic, satisfactory way.
That said, I think it is important for me and others who may feel likewise to speak about that aspect of reconciliation - of making visible the linkages and coherency we have come to in our identities, historically and at present... despite a lack of foreground to do so. It's hard to reconcile having identified as a 'dyke' in a comprehensive way, and then feeling the right to retain that history as someone transitioning into a more 'male' appearance (for lack of better words). It feels like there is this pressure from various facets of our community to separate out these identity locations - to view one's dyke past as separate from themself; to disqualify it somehow. A trans male identity is often seen as the Great Departure from dykehood into the realm of No Man's Land. Community dynamics outside of (and still within) large, progressive urban centers such as T.O. highlight this separation and exclusion.
However, I believe it is the right of every person, trans or otherwise, to claim the coherence of their identity in the best way that it fits for them. This means creating space internally within oneself and in dialogue with others around having lived in both or many worlds of identity in an integrated way. The syncopation of a non-normatively linear path to identity may throw off others, but it need not exclude the possibility for rendering oneself and their narrative whole by including all aspects of their growth in identity and various periods of reclaimation.
In other words, I was a dyke. I am now trans. At once I was and am both. The historical urgency of claiming a dyke identity as the best possible fit for me at the time and subsequent emergence of my trans identity do not cancel each other out. They are deeply linked, not separate. For me, a dyke identity did precede and feed into my newly (consciously) formed trans identity. My understanding of my relationship to my body, my parts, my sexuality, my relationships with women (men, and transfolk), and the way I related between bodies in dyke identity was never complete on it's own (trans otherness always lingered despite lack of vocabulary). Yet those experiences were and still are an authentic part of my whole experience. My understanding of selfhood and the relationship to my and others' bodies have shifted, but 'dyke' for me was never a phase to begin with. It was simply the most suitable category I could live, thrive, and survive with.
That said, being a dyke has deeply shaped how I know myself as a trans person. It has inherently shaped my trans/feminist/humanist politics. My understanding of my own femaleness and having walked through the world for 30 years being read as solely female, with all the assumptions and impositions forthwith, define who I am comprehensively. These things do not form a lingering shadow of mis-fit or an unspoken past.
They are integral to my subjective experience of the world and will continue to shape how I learn and move through space and time.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Cock-less Boys
I have a confession to make...
I don't care much for "packing." I don't give a shit what's between my legs or what people think is between my legs. My sense of self, comfort, sexuality, pleasure, and desire don't either.
I also think sitting to pee is elegant.
Some masculine id'd peeps do enjoy packing and standing-to-pee as a matter of course and that's alright by me. Everybody has a preference. Sometimes I enjoy these things too, out of a sense of playfulness and gender fuckery.
What I find interesting is the dominant discourse around this stuff sometimes in trans/masculine circles. "Well, don't you want to know what it's like to put your cock in someone? Your fleshy cock?" Actually, I do know, thank you very much. My hands, junk, strap-ons, holes, skin, spirit, and mind all know what joining together with someone feels like...and I like it a lot. Even though it's hard to escape penis envy given the power, status, and privileges that come with having one, I wouldn't barter for one if I could. Not having one has shaped my entire being from the time I was an apple seed.
My whole identity has not been formed around the supremacy or inadequacies of my cock. I don't expect my cock to open literal or metaphorical doors for me. My ability to be contemplative, com/passionate, reflective, sensitive, and creative have all been grounded in a distinct absence of cis-male cockery. I think this would be much harder to achieve had I been born with dangly bits that represent cockiness. Which is why I appreciate sensitive, soft masculine type "cis" men in my life.
Subsequently, I don't unconsciously or otherwise seek to energetically penetrate and unconsensually dominate everything around me. I value women/feminine/two/multi spirits and trans people and the strength of receptivity. I don't equate vulnerability with weakness but with the healing and vast connective potential this world desperately needs.
*Being* for me has nothing to do with cocks and everything to do with spirit.
I don't care much for "packing." I don't give a shit what's between my legs or what people think is between my legs. My sense of self, comfort, sexuality, pleasure, and desire don't either.
I also think sitting to pee is elegant.
Some masculine id'd peeps do enjoy packing and standing-to-pee as a matter of course and that's alright by me. Everybody has a preference. Sometimes I enjoy these things too, out of a sense of playfulness and gender fuckery.
What I find interesting is the dominant discourse around this stuff sometimes in trans/masculine circles. "Well, don't you want to know what it's like to put your cock in someone? Your fleshy cock?" Actually, I do know, thank you very much. My hands, junk, strap-ons, holes, skin, spirit, and mind all know what joining together with someone feels like...and I like it a lot. Even though it's hard to escape penis envy given the power, status, and privileges that come with having one, I wouldn't barter for one if I could. Not having one has shaped my entire being from the time I was an apple seed.
My whole identity has not been formed around the supremacy or inadequacies of my cock. I don't expect my cock to open literal or metaphorical doors for me. My ability to be contemplative, com/passionate, reflective, sensitive, and creative have all been grounded in a distinct absence of cis-male cockery. I think this would be much harder to achieve had I been born with dangly bits that represent cockiness. Which is why I appreciate sensitive, soft masculine type "cis" men in my life.
Subsequently, I don't unconsciously or otherwise seek to energetically penetrate and unconsensually dominate everything around me. I value women/feminine/two/multi spirits and trans people and the strength of receptivity. I don't equate vulnerability with weakness but with the healing and vast connective potential this world desperately needs.
*Being* for me has nothing to do with cocks and everything to do with spirit.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
"Woman" and "Man" Are Gender Identities
With all the room created by folks who don't identify within the socially imposed gender binary of male vs. female, woman vs. man...something has slipped the radar in terms of how individuals choose the identity label that fits best for them, most notably within a western eurocentric context.
Much has been said by various trans people/activists about the social construction of gender norms and terms such as "masculine," "feminine," and how it comes to be determined whom should have access to and be allowed to display traits of these constructed, exclusive (yet overlapping) categories. With the creation of the term "cis" to highlight the idea of congruence of body or physicality to internal sense of gendered self in relation to trans "incongruence," I would like to point out that "WOMAN" and "MAN" are just as much chosen identity labels as "TRANS" or any other label that applies to you.
When we are speaking of the social construction of the gender binary, I think it is equally important to examine the process of accepting concepts such as "woman" and "man" and the active steps one takes to align oneself with either identity term... particularly since there are more than two ways to be either. How do "cis" people account for the huge discrepancies and representations of maleness and femaleness within these two gender identity labels?
How is it that one who is assigned female at birth, develops a sense of inherent identity and affinity as woman? As man? As boy...girl...lady? We take these terms for granted as congruent labels for folks who do not id as trans (or Two Spirit, Hijra, Kathoey, Muxe...Intersex) yet the process of identifying oneself readily with gendered terms goes beyond enculturation. Obviously languages (particularly the limitations of english, french, spanish etc) have played a direct and inescapable role in narrowing the possibilities for how one identifies with the concept, embodiment and reality of cis gender. But I would like to propose something a little more drastic.
There can be no such thing as "cis" gender.
That is to say, each and every individual who is born on this planet, whether they are conscious of it or not, chooses to identify themself and their own gender and there is no way to determine how "congruent" such choices are. When we are speaking about congruence, there is a suggestion of a "rightness" or "wrongness" of bodies, brains, spirits, and self-conceptualizations. But, there can be no such wrongness. Bodies, brains, spirits and selves are just those very things. They exist without judgement. And, noone can be the adjudicator.
In spite of socialization to be good little girls and boys, each person from childhood to adulthood exercises preferences and engages in behaviours which collectively or individually do not represent hir gender. Gender can only be conceptualized in the social realm. It has no inherent properties.
If you ask a "cis" gendered person why it is they identify themself as a "woman" or "man" the qualities that person will inevitably speak of revolve less around archetypal stereotypes and distinction and more around individual preferences that may or may not coincide with others also considered "cis." If you then ask said person what they consider to be the essential qualities of cis gender, whether it be behavioural preferences, likes, dislikes, dress, activities, ideas, roles.... you will still be hard pressed to find any definitive separation of fe/maleness, despite use of traditionally/culturally gendered descriptors. Each word chosen has no inherent quality of gender, nor can a definition be constructed.
While the addition of the word "cis" (and trans) in western/north american contexts has been a valuable awareness tool in the sense of differentiating processes of identity development outside of and within social norms - what must be retained is the knowledge that "cis" gendered people have merely accepted vague concepts of social norming, not *actual* gender.
In this sense, adhering to cis concepts of woman and man are merely socially/culturally acceptable gender identities. Identities which have no inherent differentiation from one another save from social relations, power and privilege.
Much has been said by various trans people/activists about the social construction of gender norms and terms such as "masculine," "feminine," and how it comes to be determined whom should have access to and be allowed to display traits of these constructed, exclusive (yet overlapping) categories. With the creation of the term "cis" to highlight the idea of congruence of body or physicality to internal sense of gendered self in relation to trans "incongruence," I would like to point out that "WOMAN" and "MAN" are just as much chosen identity labels as "TRANS" or any other label that applies to you.
When we are speaking of the social construction of the gender binary, I think it is equally important to examine the process of accepting concepts such as "woman" and "man" and the active steps one takes to align oneself with either identity term... particularly since there are more than two ways to be either. How do "cis" people account for the huge discrepancies and representations of maleness and femaleness within these two gender identity labels?
How is it that one who is assigned female at birth, develops a sense of inherent identity and affinity as woman? As man? As boy...girl...lady? We take these terms for granted as congruent labels for folks who do not id as trans (or Two Spirit, Hijra, Kathoey, Muxe...Intersex) yet the process of identifying oneself readily with gendered terms goes beyond enculturation. Obviously languages (particularly the limitations of english, french, spanish etc) have played a direct and inescapable role in narrowing the possibilities for how one identifies with the concept, embodiment and reality of cis gender. But I would like to propose something a little more drastic.
There can be no such thing as "cis" gender.
That is to say, each and every individual who is born on this planet, whether they are conscious of it or not, chooses to identify themself and their own gender and there is no way to determine how "congruent" such choices are. When we are speaking about congruence, there is a suggestion of a "rightness" or "wrongness" of bodies, brains, spirits, and self-conceptualizations. But, there can be no such wrongness. Bodies, brains, spirits and selves are just those very things. They exist without judgement. And, noone can be the adjudicator.
In spite of socialization to be good little girls and boys, each person from childhood to adulthood exercises preferences and engages in behaviours which collectively or individually do not represent hir gender. Gender can only be conceptualized in the social realm. It has no inherent properties.
If you ask a "cis" gendered person why it is they identify themself as a "woman" or "man" the qualities that person will inevitably speak of revolve less around archetypal stereotypes and distinction and more around individual preferences that may or may not coincide with others also considered "cis." If you then ask said person what they consider to be the essential qualities of cis gender, whether it be behavioural preferences, likes, dislikes, dress, activities, ideas, roles.... you will still be hard pressed to find any definitive separation of fe/maleness, despite use of traditionally/culturally gendered descriptors. Each word chosen has no inherent quality of gender, nor can a definition be constructed.
While the addition of the word "cis" (and trans) in western/north american contexts has been a valuable awareness tool in the sense of differentiating processes of identity development outside of and within social norms - what must be retained is the knowledge that "cis" gendered people have merely accepted vague concepts of social norming, not *actual* gender.
In this sense, adhering to cis concepts of woman and man are merely socially/culturally acceptable gender identities. Identities which have no inherent differentiation from one another save from social relations, power and privilege.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Age Old Question
Originally written: April, 2009
Time and again. It just doesn't lose it's value.
I was at a party last night of a dear friend of mine. This friend I have known since I started working in mental health at a drop-in centre downtown and I was as green as a frog. We are entirely different humans, her and I, but she makes me feel loved and cared for as a friend in a way few have.
So I'm at her party, celebrating her day of coming into this world. There are people there I am becoming acquainted with. People who clearly haven't met a lot of queer people. This is fine. There is the nice lady who looks like she should be on tv reading tarot cards late at night and maybe selling a hair product on the side. I introduce myself and upon hearing my name her smile becomes forced, but she nonetheless perseveres. She later spends most of the evening pointedly remarking on how beautiful I am. I know she's trying hard.
Then there is that particularly awkward moment in the night where my queerness becomes an opportunity for teaching, all out violence, or both. The fellow I introduced myself earlier to who had asked me, "So is that supposed to be your real name"? and scoffed with judgement which I can only presume to mean that validating my gender in relation to his must also mean admitting he might be a little gay if the lines are blurred. The kind of gaze that let's me know my likes and dislikes don't make me another human, but simply an object of freakishness and a target for violence and power-over. I keep my eye on him and my back up.
At the moment of acute drunkenness when I am sober and the parties around me are swaying like trees on a windy day in Stanley Park, I hear the utterance.. "So what, man or woman?" I ask him, "Are you talking to me?" Of course he is so drunk he can barely string two words together, yet they nonetheless manage to disturb and provoke me. He says "Yeah, what are you, man or woman?" I say "I am what I am." He repeats the question. There are obviously only two choices. I repeat my answer. I only have one.
He says "So, what are you, a hermaphrodite or something?" The drunken guy (his buddy) beside him and my other good friend go silent. I ask him why it matters? Why does he need to know? He has no answer. He says "Your voice and your body give it away", referring to the fact that my obvious masculinity must mean that I am trying hard to be something I am not and have no access to: male privilege. For educational purposes I respond that I am not trying to be anything, and that I am a "masculine person." At this point, my straight friend leans into me in a protective stance and puts her arm around me and states that I am beautiful. I appreciate it. But in this moment I am deciding whether it is better to walk away and stifle my sensitivity to tearing up, or to tear into this asshole in some sort of competition. A competition where the house ends up being destroyed and where my face will likely suffer.
I decide that my friend's celebration does not need distractions such as this. I tell the guy to drop it. His buddy agrees. "Yeah man, just let it go." He insists it's just a simple question.
The funny thing is, this is the attitude that has assumed my natural state of being and desire were unacceptable and gross since early taunts on the elementary school playground. And here I am, at 31 answering the same questions. Different playground.
I don't know if a person with such a mindset will ever get the point. My maleness does not take away from his. It does not somehow make him a "faggot" because my masculinity doesn't subscribe to womanhood and he doesn't know what to do with his gaze.
I'm meditating on how to remain peaceful in such situations and reminded that such lessons will continue to unfold across settings and time as I walk through this life.
Time and again. It just doesn't lose it's value.
I was at a party last night of a dear friend of mine. This friend I have known since I started working in mental health at a drop-in centre downtown and I was as green as a frog. We are entirely different humans, her and I, but she makes me feel loved and cared for as a friend in a way few have.
So I'm at her party, celebrating her day of coming into this world. There are people there I am becoming acquainted with. People who clearly haven't met a lot of queer people. This is fine. There is the nice lady who looks like she should be on tv reading tarot cards late at night and maybe selling a hair product on the side. I introduce myself and upon hearing my name her smile becomes forced, but she nonetheless perseveres. She later spends most of the evening pointedly remarking on how beautiful I am. I know she's trying hard.
Then there is that particularly awkward moment in the night where my queerness becomes an opportunity for teaching, all out violence, or both. The fellow I introduced myself earlier to who had asked me, "So is that supposed to be your real name"? and scoffed with judgement which I can only presume to mean that validating my gender in relation to his must also mean admitting he might be a little gay if the lines are blurred. The kind of gaze that let's me know my likes and dislikes don't make me another human, but simply an object of freakishness and a target for violence and power-over. I keep my eye on him and my back up.
At the moment of acute drunkenness when I am sober and the parties around me are swaying like trees on a windy day in Stanley Park, I hear the utterance.. "So what, man or woman?" I ask him, "Are you talking to me?" Of course he is so drunk he can barely string two words together, yet they nonetheless manage to disturb and provoke me. He says "Yeah, what are you, man or woman?" I say "I am what I am." He repeats the question. There are obviously only two choices. I repeat my answer. I only have one.
He says "So, what are you, a hermaphrodite or something?" The drunken guy (his buddy) beside him and my other good friend go silent. I ask him why it matters? Why does he need to know? He has no answer. He says "Your voice and your body give it away", referring to the fact that my obvious masculinity must mean that I am trying hard to be something I am not and have no access to: male privilege. For educational purposes I respond that I am not trying to be anything, and that I am a "masculine person." At this point, my straight friend leans into me in a protective stance and puts her arm around me and states that I am beautiful. I appreciate it. But in this moment I am deciding whether it is better to walk away and stifle my sensitivity to tearing up, or to tear into this asshole in some sort of competition. A competition where the house ends up being destroyed and where my face will likely suffer.
I decide that my friend's celebration does not need distractions such as this. I tell the guy to drop it. His buddy agrees. "Yeah man, just let it go." He insists it's just a simple question.
The funny thing is, this is the attitude that has assumed my natural state of being and desire were unacceptable and gross since early taunts on the elementary school playground. And here I am, at 31 answering the same questions. Different playground.
I don't know if a person with such a mindset will ever get the point. My maleness does not take away from his. It does not somehow make him a "faggot" because my masculinity doesn't subscribe to womanhood and he doesn't know what to do with his gaze.
I'm meditating on how to remain peaceful in such situations and reminded that such lessons will continue to unfold across settings and time as I walk through this life.
Everyone Is Crazy
(Originally written: May, 2010)
Your boss. Your friends. Your family. The people you serve. Strangers on the street. People on TV. Politicians. Religious figures. Your partners. Your lovers. Your therapist. Yes - even YOU. Even me.
I've been having conversations and observations lately where I have come to believe that, in fact, everyone and everything is crazy. Oh, this may very well be a projection...and I am more than willing to consider that. But I think it goes beyond this. Let me explain.
What is mental illness anyways? Labels and diagnoses are transient. The most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - the standard clinical tool used by professionals to determine if, in fact, one has flown the coop - proposes to systematically drop at least five mental disorder classifications it previously listed for the upcoming edition. And, it has created another list of new disorders, including "Hypersexual Disorder," and "Penetration Disorder."
Homosexuality was listed as a disorder until 1973, at which point it was replaced with "sexual orientation disturbance" which, despite what you might think, is in the current version of the DSM listed alongside "paraphilias" such as "transvestic fetishism" and pedophilia. Who do you think suffers most from a sexual orientation disturbance? I'll give you one guess.
What happens to those folks who were diagnosed with illnesses that are no longer listed? Have they suddenly become cured?
The history of the DSM itself is suspect, and comes with a long and controversial history of speculation on what it is exactly that qualifies someone as ill. Freud - arguably the grandfather of psychiatry, after all, believed that cocaine should be the treatment of choice for neuroses, and particularly useful as an antidepressant.
Having worked in mental health for over a decade and studied my own behaviour, the behaviour of others and the world around me, I'm not so convinced that there is such a thing as normalcy. There is not much difference between the key holder, and the one held beneath the key.
When I first started having conversations with folks who had been diagnosed with mental disorders, I had a very hard time determining what it is that makes these folks "crazy". The experiences shared, thoughts, insights, perceptions, awareness, while often different from my own - reveal an alternate reality oftentimes, but the associated behaviours are not so different from what anyone might experience. In fact, some of those 'alternate realities' are rooted in good logical sense. I once knew a fellow who could tell me intricate details of the electromagnetic grid of the earth and why certain areas were more charged than others, and what the potential impacts of this might be when walking around day to day. Though he had not done any specific research into his theories, upon brief skimming online I found that indeed, there was evidence to substantiate his "delusions."
The point is, we all have different coping strategies for dealing with the world, pain, trauma, grief, our feelings in general, relationships with others etc. Most of these strategies are things we have learned by default that get us by. It remains to be seen whether one can identify alternate strategies that provide more resiliency and less ill effects to ourselves and loved ones - while actually getting our needs met.
Everyone is crazy to some degree - the question is: How do we treat each other? I wager if we treated ourselves and those around us with more compassion, respect and kindness, the world would be a lot less crazy making.
For proposed revisions to the DSM 5 check here: http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=415)
Your boss. Your friends. Your family. The people you serve. Strangers on the street. People on TV. Politicians. Religious figures. Your partners. Your lovers. Your therapist. Yes - even YOU. Even me.
I've been having conversations and observations lately where I have come to believe that, in fact, everyone and everything is crazy. Oh, this may very well be a projection...and I am more than willing to consider that. But I think it goes beyond this. Let me explain.
What is mental illness anyways? Labels and diagnoses are transient. The most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - the standard clinical tool used by professionals to determine if, in fact, one has flown the coop - proposes to systematically drop at least five mental disorder classifications it previously listed for the upcoming edition. And, it has created another list of new disorders, including "Hypersexual Disorder," and "Penetration Disorder."
Homosexuality was listed as a disorder until 1973, at which point it was replaced with "sexual orientation disturbance" which, despite what you might think, is in the current version of the DSM listed alongside "paraphilias" such as "transvestic fetishism" and pedophilia. Who do you think suffers most from a sexual orientation disturbance? I'll give you one guess.
What happens to those folks who were diagnosed with illnesses that are no longer listed? Have they suddenly become cured?
The history of the DSM itself is suspect, and comes with a long and controversial history of speculation on what it is exactly that qualifies someone as ill. Freud - arguably the grandfather of psychiatry, after all, believed that cocaine should be the treatment of choice for neuroses, and particularly useful as an antidepressant.
Having worked in mental health for over a decade and studied my own behaviour, the behaviour of others and the world around me, I'm not so convinced that there is such a thing as normalcy. There is not much difference between the key holder, and the one held beneath the key.
When I first started having conversations with folks who had been diagnosed with mental disorders, I had a very hard time determining what it is that makes these folks "crazy". The experiences shared, thoughts, insights, perceptions, awareness, while often different from my own - reveal an alternate reality oftentimes, but the associated behaviours are not so different from what anyone might experience. In fact, some of those 'alternate realities' are rooted in good logical sense. I once knew a fellow who could tell me intricate details of the electromagnetic grid of the earth and why certain areas were more charged than others, and what the potential impacts of this might be when walking around day to day. Though he had not done any specific research into his theories, upon brief skimming online I found that indeed, there was evidence to substantiate his "delusions."
The point is, we all have different coping strategies for dealing with the world, pain, trauma, grief, our feelings in general, relationships with others etc. Most of these strategies are things we have learned by default that get us by. It remains to be seen whether one can identify alternate strategies that provide more resiliency and less ill effects to ourselves and loved ones - while actually getting our needs met.
Everyone is crazy to some degree - the question is: How do we treat each other? I wager if we treated ourselves and those around us with more compassion, respect and kindness, the world would be a lot less crazy making.
For proposed revisions to the DSM 5 check here: http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=415)
How Many Frank Pauls Will It Take?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
11:25am, 180 Augusta Ave. Toronto, ON
I am at a café with my visiting father, waiting for breakfast to be served. We are facing the window and notice a young fellow has collapsed on the sidewalk. He is sprawled on the pavement, unmoving, with legs haphazardly strewn. His head is close to the curb and his arm hangs over the street. I go outside to see what help he may need and see him seizure for a split second. He appears to be passed out from intoxication, and homeless. There is a crowd of six grown men from the butcher shop next door staring at him and laughing a few feet away. They are carrying on as if this fellow is performing for them. The owner of the café comes outside, looks at the man and lights a cigarette. I say, “He’s seizuring” and he shakes his head “No he’s not.” I observe the man and smell the scent of mouthwash several feet away.
I dial 911 for an ambulance since none of the now dozen people standing around watching in amusement seem to think there is anything wrong. Did I mention this man is Indigenous? Did I mention the crowd of onlookers is White? While I’m on the line describing the situation to the operator, I stand in front of the man and observe him in case he needs first aid. He is unconscious, breathing, hasn’t seizured since the first time. A concerned young man comes over to check the fellow’s pulse and I let him know I’m on the phone with 911. I look to my right and a woman is also on the phone with 911, I let her know I am on the line with them. She hangs up her phone and observes.
The ambulance siren approaches but it is not quite there. The man awakes and starts smashing his head into the pavement. One of the six laughing butchers - a young man, breaks away and kneels down to protect the back of the fellow’s head with his hand. He calls him by name and tells him to relax. The fellow seizures a bit. I relay the details to the operator, and tell the young man the fellow is again seizuring. He says, “No he’s not” and laughs.
Then the ambulance arrives. The two attendants come over, recognize the man and call him by name. He is unable to stand on his own but they force him, legs limp behind. One of them leaves to grab the stretcher, and the fellow dangles precariously with the remaining attendant. A fire truck pulls up, and six firefighters stroll up casually with grins on their faces. They are in no hurry. As they approach they call the man’s name, as if he’s their buddy. The man can’t form a sentence and they are all telling him to stand up. They are all White. Meanwhile, the attendant remarks again by name to the fellow, “If you could stand on your own, we’d let you go, but you can’t.” They get him on the stretcher and put him inside the van. The lady who also called 911 says “Thank-you” to me and gives me a water bottle to give to them. I do.
I had identified myself as the caller upon the ambulance’ arrival, and as soon as they saw the man, no one asked me for any further details for the rest of the intervention.
I go back inside, and wonder at the cavalier manner in which this man is treated. Two cops arrive and peer into the back of the ambulance. I go outside and talk to one of them. I say that I was the caller; that I am a mental health worker, and I ask what the plan is to deal with this fellow? What will they do with him once they take him to hospital? Will they immediately release him or connect him to services? The cop tells me I don’t know anything about this man. Why would I ask about that? I say it’s obvious he has gone through the system many times and I’m wondering what the plan is to help him, as opposed to continuing the revolving door. He tells me I don’t know what he needs. He tells me I don’t know that he’s been seen before. I don’t know that he is passed out from intoxication and has substance misuse issues.
I tell him he obviously has been through the system as every attendant and fire fighter that was here addressed the man by first name, repeatedly. The cop continues to challenge and deflect. I ask him why he is so defensive, and reiterate that the man is clearly known, and that he clearly has complex issues and needs some treatment in the form of extended stay, so again, what is the plan? The cop continues to deflect and I give up. I say “Have a good day,” throw up my hands and leave. From the very first word this officer interrogated my every statement. At some point he also made mockery of my judgment as a “Mental Health Worker.” He had started to explain that the man would “obviously receive Aboriginal services” and trailed off, and returned to attacking my every question, basically with the attitude of “What do you know? You don’t know anything. You have no business here.”
I wonder why there is such a discrepancy in the urgency and attention paid by the 911operator, and yet this officer had no interest in any discussion about this man’s welfare. The image of Frank Paul, a Mi’kmaq man in Vancouver, who was known to police and ambulance attendants, and was taken to jail intoxicated, made to crawl out of the jail cell upon becoming conscious, and led into the alley where he then died comes to mind. Is this how we treat and care for Indigenous people in this place we call our home? This place we claim as our country? Does the mostly White service system who are charged with his care think it’s simply enough to let him go, to not run any tests on him whatsoever despite knowing he was seizuring and violently banging his head on the pavement? Do they think it is okay to force a man who is barely conscious and can’t stand to do so?
Why is it that the majority of onlookers (all carrying White privilege except for the other woman who phoned 911) thought it appropriate to laugh and stand around, without one thought to call 911 or offer any assistance? Why did they continue to stand around and laugh when the ambulance came, and afterwards?
Is this how we treat Indigenous people in Canada? When we are face to face with the legacy of colonialism, residential abuse, and genocide, do we simply point at the victim, laugh, tell him to stand up straight and then toss him to the curb? The body language and lack of care shown by all the service people charged with his welfare was not even apathetic, it was nonchalant. It indicates they have written him off. They do not give a thought as to the consequences of not providing him with adequate care, or how the abandonment of their duty is yet another example of a careless, racist, victim-blaming system that laughs in the face of tragedy.
When this man dies, will they be so cavalier in their words and gestures if they face an inquiry for their participation in his death?
11:25am, 180 Augusta Ave. Toronto, ON
I am at a café with my visiting father, waiting for breakfast to be served. We are facing the window and notice a young fellow has collapsed on the sidewalk. He is sprawled on the pavement, unmoving, with legs haphazardly strewn. His head is close to the curb and his arm hangs over the street. I go outside to see what help he may need and see him seizure for a split second. He appears to be passed out from intoxication, and homeless. There is a crowd of six grown men from the butcher shop next door staring at him and laughing a few feet away. They are carrying on as if this fellow is performing for them. The owner of the café comes outside, looks at the man and lights a cigarette. I say, “He’s seizuring” and he shakes his head “No he’s not.” I observe the man and smell the scent of mouthwash several feet away.
I dial 911 for an ambulance since none of the now dozen people standing around watching in amusement seem to think there is anything wrong. Did I mention this man is Indigenous? Did I mention the crowd of onlookers is White? While I’m on the line describing the situation to the operator, I stand in front of the man and observe him in case he needs first aid. He is unconscious, breathing, hasn’t seizured since the first time. A concerned young man comes over to check the fellow’s pulse and I let him know I’m on the phone with 911. I look to my right and a woman is also on the phone with 911, I let her know I am on the line with them. She hangs up her phone and observes.
The ambulance siren approaches but it is not quite there. The man awakes and starts smashing his head into the pavement. One of the six laughing butchers - a young man, breaks away and kneels down to protect the back of the fellow’s head with his hand. He calls him by name and tells him to relax. The fellow seizures a bit. I relay the details to the operator, and tell the young man the fellow is again seizuring. He says, “No he’s not” and laughs.
Then the ambulance arrives. The two attendants come over, recognize the man and call him by name. He is unable to stand on his own but they force him, legs limp behind. One of them leaves to grab the stretcher, and the fellow dangles precariously with the remaining attendant. A fire truck pulls up, and six firefighters stroll up casually with grins on their faces. They are in no hurry. As they approach they call the man’s name, as if he’s their buddy. The man can’t form a sentence and they are all telling him to stand up. They are all White. Meanwhile, the attendant remarks again by name to the fellow, “If you could stand on your own, we’d let you go, but you can’t.” They get him on the stretcher and put him inside the van. The lady who also called 911 says “Thank-you” to me and gives me a water bottle to give to them. I do.
I had identified myself as the caller upon the ambulance’ arrival, and as soon as they saw the man, no one asked me for any further details for the rest of the intervention.
I go back inside, and wonder at the cavalier manner in which this man is treated. Two cops arrive and peer into the back of the ambulance. I go outside and talk to one of them. I say that I was the caller; that I am a mental health worker, and I ask what the plan is to deal with this fellow? What will they do with him once they take him to hospital? Will they immediately release him or connect him to services? The cop tells me I don’t know anything about this man. Why would I ask about that? I say it’s obvious he has gone through the system many times and I’m wondering what the plan is to help him, as opposed to continuing the revolving door. He tells me I don’t know what he needs. He tells me I don’t know that he’s been seen before. I don’t know that he is passed out from intoxication and has substance misuse issues.
I tell him he obviously has been through the system as every attendant and fire fighter that was here addressed the man by first name, repeatedly. The cop continues to challenge and deflect. I ask him why he is so defensive, and reiterate that the man is clearly known, and that he clearly has complex issues and needs some treatment in the form of extended stay, so again, what is the plan? The cop continues to deflect and I give up. I say “Have a good day,” throw up my hands and leave. From the very first word this officer interrogated my every statement. At some point he also made mockery of my judgment as a “Mental Health Worker.” He had started to explain that the man would “obviously receive Aboriginal services” and trailed off, and returned to attacking my every question, basically with the attitude of “What do you know? You don’t know anything. You have no business here.”
I wonder why there is such a discrepancy in the urgency and attention paid by the 911operator, and yet this officer had no interest in any discussion about this man’s welfare. The image of Frank Paul, a Mi’kmaq man in Vancouver, who was known to police and ambulance attendants, and was taken to jail intoxicated, made to crawl out of the jail cell upon becoming conscious, and led into the alley where he then died comes to mind. Is this how we treat and care for Indigenous people in this place we call our home? This place we claim as our country? Does the mostly White service system who are charged with his care think it’s simply enough to let him go, to not run any tests on him whatsoever despite knowing he was seizuring and violently banging his head on the pavement? Do they think it is okay to force a man who is barely conscious and can’t stand to do so?
Why is it that the majority of onlookers (all carrying White privilege except for the other woman who phoned 911) thought it appropriate to laugh and stand around, without one thought to call 911 or offer any assistance? Why did they continue to stand around and laugh when the ambulance came, and afterwards?
Is this how we treat Indigenous people in Canada? When we are face to face with the legacy of colonialism, residential abuse, and genocide, do we simply point at the victim, laugh, tell him to stand up straight and then toss him to the curb? The body language and lack of care shown by all the service people charged with his welfare was not even apathetic, it was nonchalant. It indicates they have written him off. They do not give a thought as to the consequences of not providing him with adequate care, or how the abandonment of their duty is yet another example of a careless, racist, victim-blaming system that laughs in the face of tragedy.
When this man dies, will they be so cavalier in their words and gestures if they face an inquiry for their participation in his death?
The (In)Visibility of Mental 'Illness'
(Originally written: October, 2010)
As we work in our communities and relate to our loved ones - particularly those of us who identify as socially conscious and who are pursuing social justice ideals - there is an area of awareness that seems very lacking and it is around mental health issues. I am speaking of the day to day barriers that can be experienced by folks who have mental health challenges, and the assumptions we all hold in our daily interactions, and in the type of community work we do.
The issue of course is complex, and reflective of a lack of education around mental health in general, and the fact that we all have it; we all manage it – whether we are aware of it or not. Our awareness of mental health issues, or lack thereof, goes hand in hand with societal expectations of normalcy around cognitive functioning, how we view intelligence, social competence, affect/emotion regulation, and especially what we deem to be socially appropriate interpersonal behaviour. There is much stigma around issues of mental health and behavioural challenges, without any thought being given to the framing of mental illness as an invisible disability.
Much of the popular discourse hones in on mental health issues as belonging to serial killers and psychopaths and leaves much to be desired in terms of relaying actual facts. What’s more, social determinants of health are often ignored and instead derogatory language such as ‘bums’ freely used to describe what are often folks who have slipped through the service system and may have precarious mental health. Even amongst so-called professionals who work in systems focussing on the treatment of mental illness, many stereotypes and a general lack of understanding prevail.
If you look around your friends, family and community, what do you know about mental health challenges? What do you know about access to resources for folks who may have them? Did you know that it is often much harder to qualify for things like disability status due to the focus on physiological centered notions of disability? Based on the criteria for meeting disability status, disabilities of the regulation of emotions and behaviour, as well as ability to cope are minimized and obscured. As well, folks who struggle with concurrent substance use issues are subject to even more stigma, denial of, and lack of resources.
But what does it look like to have mental health issues? Can you tell me if you would know, if a friend of yours was suffering from depression, for example? If you are doing activist community work and you are trying to hold others accountable for the work they do, are you making assumptions about their mental health based on notions of functionality? People you know, love and work with may be struggling with mental health issues on a daily basis without your awareness. You might not even notice if they make allusions to what most certainly is a very private, hidden battle in many cases due to the aforementioned stigma involved and the pressure to conform to ideals of normal functioning and relating.
The fact is, mental health is invisible. Unless you make an effort to see past your own assumptions around normalcy, emotional functioning and behaviour, you likely wouldn’t know what mental health barriers folks are challenged with. Folks in our community who hold full time jobs, help others, participate in organizing, who have many friends and loved ones, engage in life in many different beautiful ways might be dealing with a very private struggle around anxiety, depression, bi-polar, interpersonal relationships and coping strategies, substance misuse, or complex post traumatic stress, for example.
We just don’t know. But, if we pay attention to our own assumptions around functioning; if we start to tackle our own notions of mental health and illness – if we start to see others not for how they present, but for the complex beings which we all are, we might begin to provide a safer environment for folks to talk about their struggles, and provide comfort, support and acceptance. We may provide a more compassionate community setting in which we recognize the invisibility of mental health challenges and consider this in our anti-oppressive work.
And we may realize that there is no such thing as a ‘crazy’ person.
As we work in our communities and relate to our loved ones - particularly those of us who identify as socially conscious and who are pursuing social justice ideals - there is an area of awareness that seems very lacking and it is around mental health issues. I am speaking of the day to day barriers that can be experienced by folks who have mental health challenges, and the assumptions we all hold in our daily interactions, and in the type of community work we do.
The issue of course is complex, and reflective of a lack of education around mental health in general, and the fact that we all have it; we all manage it – whether we are aware of it or not. Our awareness of mental health issues, or lack thereof, goes hand in hand with societal expectations of normalcy around cognitive functioning, how we view intelligence, social competence, affect/emotion regulation, and especially what we deem to be socially appropriate interpersonal behaviour. There is much stigma around issues of mental health and behavioural challenges, without any thought being given to the framing of mental illness as an invisible disability.
Much of the popular discourse hones in on mental health issues as belonging to serial killers and psychopaths and leaves much to be desired in terms of relaying actual facts. What’s more, social determinants of health are often ignored and instead derogatory language such as ‘bums’ freely used to describe what are often folks who have slipped through the service system and may have precarious mental health. Even amongst so-called professionals who work in systems focussing on the treatment of mental illness, many stereotypes and a general lack of understanding prevail.
If you look around your friends, family and community, what do you know about mental health challenges? What do you know about access to resources for folks who may have them? Did you know that it is often much harder to qualify for things like disability status due to the focus on physiological centered notions of disability? Based on the criteria for meeting disability status, disabilities of the regulation of emotions and behaviour, as well as ability to cope are minimized and obscured. As well, folks who struggle with concurrent substance use issues are subject to even more stigma, denial of, and lack of resources.
But what does it look like to have mental health issues? Can you tell me if you would know, if a friend of yours was suffering from depression, for example? If you are doing activist community work and you are trying to hold others accountable for the work they do, are you making assumptions about their mental health based on notions of functionality? People you know, love and work with may be struggling with mental health issues on a daily basis without your awareness. You might not even notice if they make allusions to what most certainly is a very private, hidden battle in many cases due to the aforementioned stigma involved and the pressure to conform to ideals of normal functioning and relating.
The fact is, mental health is invisible. Unless you make an effort to see past your own assumptions around normalcy, emotional functioning and behaviour, you likely wouldn’t know what mental health barriers folks are challenged with. Folks in our community who hold full time jobs, help others, participate in organizing, who have many friends and loved ones, engage in life in many different beautiful ways might be dealing with a very private struggle around anxiety, depression, bi-polar, interpersonal relationships and coping strategies, substance misuse, or complex post traumatic stress, for example.
We just don’t know. But, if we pay attention to our own assumptions around functioning; if we start to tackle our own notions of mental health and illness – if we start to see others not for how they present, but for the complex beings which we all are, we might begin to provide a safer environment for folks to talk about their struggles, and provide comfort, support and acceptance. We may provide a more compassionate community setting in which we recognize the invisibility of mental health challenges and consider this in our anti-oppressive work.
And we may realize that there is no such thing as a ‘crazy’ person.
"Kid Gloves"
My lips pursed
She asked for a light,
Her candle was burnt out
She had dug a hole
In the cellar of her mind,
Where jars of pickled vegetables lay
The movements which had been uncovered,
Danced as aged shadows in their former homes
A reminder of my twelve year old hands.
She asked for a light,
Her candle was burnt out
She had dug a hole
In the cellar of her mind,
Where jars of pickled vegetables lay
The movements which had been uncovered,
Danced as aged shadows in their former homes
A reminder of my twelve year old hands.
masculine centred feminists and decent ppl
-do not feel easily threatened by others, esp. women & other masculine id'd peeps
- do not compete with other masculine peeps
- do not need to control others by judging and scrutinizing every minute action
- know when to use their voices and do so sparingly and supportively
- have a strong commitment to learning and reflexivity and are open to feedback
- are not rigid
- treat others with sacred respect for physical, mental and emotional well being
- are emotionally available and open
- seek out reciprocal and giving relationships with others
- respect others', esp. women's autonomy and agency and do not unconsensually dominate
- avoid essentializing and minimizing
- believe in building community and accountability
- are committed to working through their own trauma, not out onto others
.... feel free to add more :)
- do not compete with other masculine peeps
- do not need to control others by judging and scrutinizing every minute action
- know when to use their voices and do so sparingly and supportively
- have a strong commitment to learning and reflexivity and are open to feedback
- are not rigid
- treat others with sacred respect for physical, mental and emotional well being
- are emotionally available and open
- seek out reciprocal and giving relationships with others
- respect others', esp. women's autonomy and agency and do not unconsensually dominate
- avoid essentializing and minimizing
- believe in building community and accountability
- are committed to working through their own trauma, not out onto others
.... feel free to add more :)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A Post-"Transition" Narrative
I was standing there at the wedding. It was the end of the night and I was stone sober, patiently awaiting my turn to scribe in the book of emotions and well wishes. The woman ahead of me was as drunk as everyone else by this hour, looked over at me unsteadily, smiled mid script and exclaimed "You! I have something to say to you. Don't go anywere."
I braced myself. For some reason change in itself seems to provoke unwanted invitations for commentary of all sorts. Public commentary on very private experiences, that because they are now visible to the naked eyes of strangers somehow escape any notions of social etiquette.
The woman finished her message and came over and draped herself around me, giving me a wet kiss on the corner of my mouth. She was beaming and pulled back and said, "I haven't seen you in a couple years. What's your name?" I responded. "You look AMAZING. Truly, you just look so wonderful and so grounded, and like you've really come into yourself." I thanked her. Then her middle aged masculine dyke friend and presumed date joined her at her side. The woman felt it important to introduce us. I smiled through clenched jaw. "Linda, this is Xander. Xander used to be a WOMAN, and now he is a MAN. A beautiful man." The dyke friend smiled awkwardly. I returned her awkward smile, nodded, wished them a wonderful evening and excused myself.
There is something that happens for trans people when we begin to physically and socially come into ourselves more. Friends, acquaintances, family and strangers alike are very curious about this "transition". They want to know what the end point is. They make a point of telling me so. "So, are you going ALL THE WAY?" "Are you going to FULLY TRANSITION?" 'What's your END POINT?" "Are you going to get THE SURGERY?"
Wow! Those are very bold questions - questions that may or may not have anything to do with how I am living my life and feeling good in it. Though I believe in the power of sharing, obviously, since I write about my experiences, I like to be in control of how, what, and when I share. I like to know who my audience is. I don't like to be placed on stage, or at the podium without my consent. And did anyone stop to think that their curiosity does not trump my very private emotional experiences? Yes, many do. Thank-you to those who do.
But the questions around transition, what it is going to look like, and this idea of being born in the wrong body and travelling to the other end of the spectrum as a common point of social understanding... simply don't do trans people any justice in terms of actually understanding our experiences. Yes there are people assigned one sex at birth who then transition into the "opposite sex." And then, there are many more individuals of trans experience who were assigned a social sexual category at birth, and are now becoming ourselves. OURSELVES. Self-hood defies language. How would you define your spirit? Would your essence have a gender? When you describe the inherent qualities of your self.... are they gender specific? I imagine they are not. The same can be said for my experience of my gender identity. My corporeal, spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and sexual being cannot be summed up in the idea of transitioning from one gender to another.
It's just not that simple, even though I know many would like it to be. So let's abandon this idea of a quasi-standard framework for sex change. When I am introduced non-consensually as someone who was "once a woman" and is "now a man" I am being completely erased for my personhood, once again. And as those around me smile and nod their acceptance of these concepts, they still fail to see me. They have replaced one misguided set of assumptions for another. I never was a woman. I am not a man. I am me. You could call this some sort of transition.
Or you could simply call it a liberation of my soul for all to see.
I braced myself. For some reason change in itself seems to provoke unwanted invitations for commentary of all sorts. Public commentary on very private experiences, that because they are now visible to the naked eyes of strangers somehow escape any notions of social etiquette.
The woman finished her message and came over and draped herself around me, giving me a wet kiss on the corner of my mouth. She was beaming and pulled back and said, "I haven't seen you in a couple years. What's your name?" I responded. "You look AMAZING. Truly, you just look so wonderful and so grounded, and like you've really come into yourself." I thanked her. Then her middle aged masculine dyke friend and presumed date joined her at her side. The woman felt it important to introduce us. I smiled through clenched jaw. "Linda, this is Xander. Xander used to be a WOMAN, and now he is a MAN. A beautiful man." The dyke friend smiled awkwardly. I returned her awkward smile, nodded, wished them a wonderful evening and excused myself.
There is something that happens for trans people when we begin to physically and socially come into ourselves more. Friends, acquaintances, family and strangers alike are very curious about this "transition". They want to know what the end point is. They make a point of telling me so. "So, are you going ALL THE WAY?" "Are you going to FULLY TRANSITION?" 'What's your END POINT?" "Are you going to get THE SURGERY?"
Wow! Those are very bold questions - questions that may or may not have anything to do with how I am living my life and feeling good in it. Though I believe in the power of sharing, obviously, since I write about my experiences, I like to be in control of how, what, and when I share. I like to know who my audience is. I don't like to be placed on stage, or at the podium without my consent. And did anyone stop to think that their curiosity does not trump my very private emotional experiences? Yes, many do. Thank-you to those who do.
But the questions around transition, what it is going to look like, and this idea of being born in the wrong body and travelling to the other end of the spectrum as a common point of social understanding... simply don't do trans people any justice in terms of actually understanding our experiences. Yes there are people assigned one sex at birth who then transition into the "opposite sex." And then, there are many more individuals of trans experience who were assigned a social sexual category at birth, and are now becoming ourselves. OURSELVES. Self-hood defies language. How would you define your spirit? Would your essence have a gender? When you describe the inherent qualities of your self.... are they gender specific? I imagine they are not. The same can be said for my experience of my gender identity. My corporeal, spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and sexual being cannot be summed up in the idea of transitioning from one gender to another.
It's just not that simple, even though I know many would like it to be. So let's abandon this idea of a quasi-standard framework for sex change. When I am introduced non-consensually as someone who was "once a woman" and is "now a man" I am being completely erased for my personhood, once again. And as those around me smile and nod their acceptance of these concepts, they still fail to see me. They have replaced one misguided set of assumptions for another. I never was a woman. I am not a man. I am me. You could call this some sort of transition.
Or you could simply call it a liberation of my soul for all to see.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Activism Cred, Community Building (in T.O.)
Hi All,
This is a mild divergence from the usual content of my reflections, but nonetheless, equally important to speak about. I believe that topics of social justice, activism and community building go hand in hand when considering aspects of liminal (in between) experiences of otherness :slash: experiences outside the norms - be they gender-based, sex, class, ability, race, cultural, religious or otherwise.
Since I've moved to T.O. I have been thinking about the dynamics of activist communities and our relationships with each other. There has been some work done on this subject, see: The Revolution Starts at Home as a recent book release, as well as a few workshops done locally on the issue of addressing (mostly) physical and sexual, as well as emotional violence in our everyday interactions with one another in our communities. While I believe these conversations are useful, in my humble opinion, conversations about how we treat each other and especially this idea of emotional violence need to be at the center of activist and community building work.
In other words, social justice is meaningless, if you cannot have a relatively safe and connective discussion with members of your own community. And by "safe" I am not referring to interactions and conversations that are avoidant. Safety, to my mind, should not imply nor involve avoidance of delving into topics or discussions that involve vulnerability in investigation and accountability. Nor does it mean presuming a lack of emotional expression in having such discussions, even if they be 'difficult' emotions such as anger, sadness, or grief, for example. But, it does require that as members of diverse communities, we abstain from making assumptions about the life history, and intersections of oppression and privilege that each of us faces.
While I believe in the necessity and importance of carving space for folks to self-identify the intersections of their lived experiences and histories, it is important to bear in mind that not doing so does not imply an absence of experience. In other words, while there is much power in the act of naming experiences of oppressions, we should not expect nor assume that a community member's abstention from labelling or identifying themselves translates into an absence of lived experience of oppression. We should not assume that members of our community who appear to be able-bodied, physically healthy, to have no 'visible' mental health issues, who appear to have access to money, who function what one may consider to be well or highly, who do not appear to have substance misuse issues, who appear to have access to education, who have not divulged pervasive histories of abuse or neglect, or housing status, or employment history, gender identity, or who may pass as white, for example.... do not experience trauma, pervasive societal barriers or experiences of marginalization.
Each one of us has a unique blend of experiences historically, within our family makeup (if we were so lucky to have one), and in our current contexts that without naming, would be invisible to each other.
In fact, I believe the very basis of social justice work and connecting with each other in our communities should start with the assumption that every one of us has our own unique experience of trauma, and potentially with any number of intersections of oppression. To assume otherwise, is to invisibilize oppression, and to set up community dynamics where credibility is given to those who are willing and more importantly, able to name those experiences.
Recently, I spent some time in New York City over Pride. I have been there several times over the past few years, and this year at the Trans march, I was really struck by the differences in community makeup and activist expression. The most glaring difference, was the language used by speakers. There was a notable difference in who was on the microphone, how they spoke, and the language used that indicated to me a huge difference in the class and academic access of folks in this community vis a vis Toronto. I have come to realize that Toronto's activist community is highly educated... and the language used and the way ideas around social justice are conveyed are often at a very high intellectual level, meaning that select folks will have the ability to comprehend these conversations.
In T.O., especially, a large portion of the West End Queer Activist Community, as well as other community activist circles, are comprised of Masters and PHD level students - or at least, articulations of ideas and experiences. There is a certain level of reading ability and comprehension one must have, as well as time, access to and direction to seek out the ideas commonly circulated in T.O. activist circles in order to feel a part of much of the work done in our communities.
The ideas of everyday folk who experience marginalization and oppression (as seen in NYC), however, are no less impactful. In fact, those folks who lack access to these activist spaces should be at the center of community work. What kind of activism are we doing when only a select group of us can comprehend the ideas?
Radical activism should not be about cred or status or who is the loudest, or busiest with 'x' amount of projects, or how many ways one is capable of identifying their experiences. There are many creative ways for us to cross borders within our communities and truly do grassroots solidarity work (eg. community kitchens, zines, murals, art projects, call for artists targeting mental health survivors etc.) that do build Access For All.
And, while Toronto is better than many places at creative projects, we still have a long way to go in our conversations with each other...
This is a mild divergence from the usual content of my reflections, but nonetheless, equally important to speak about. I believe that topics of social justice, activism and community building go hand in hand when considering aspects of liminal (in between) experiences of otherness :slash: experiences outside the norms - be they gender-based, sex, class, ability, race, cultural, religious or otherwise.
Since I've moved to T.O. I have been thinking about the dynamics of activist communities and our relationships with each other. There has been some work done on this subject, see: The Revolution Starts at Home as a recent book release, as well as a few workshops done locally on the issue of addressing (mostly) physical and sexual, as well as emotional violence in our everyday interactions with one another in our communities. While I believe these conversations are useful, in my humble opinion, conversations about how we treat each other and especially this idea of emotional violence need to be at the center of activist and community building work.
In other words, social justice is meaningless, if you cannot have a relatively safe and connective discussion with members of your own community. And by "safe" I am not referring to interactions and conversations that are avoidant. Safety, to my mind, should not imply nor involve avoidance of delving into topics or discussions that involve vulnerability in investigation and accountability. Nor does it mean presuming a lack of emotional expression in having such discussions, even if they be 'difficult' emotions such as anger, sadness, or grief, for example. But, it does require that as members of diverse communities, we abstain from making assumptions about the life history, and intersections of oppression and privilege that each of us faces.
While I believe in the necessity and importance of carving space for folks to self-identify the intersections of their lived experiences and histories, it is important to bear in mind that not doing so does not imply an absence of experience. In other words, while there is much power in the act of naming experiences of oppressions, we should not expect nor assume that a community member's abstention from labelling or identifying themselves translates into an absence of lived experience of oppression. We should not assume that members of our community who appear to be able-bodied, physically healthy, to have no 'visible' mental health issues, who appear to have access to money, who function what one may consider to be well or highly, who do not appear to have substance misuse issues, who appear to have access to education, who have not divulged pervasive histories of abuse or neglect, or housing status, or employment history, gender identity, or who may pass as white, for example.... do not experience trauma, pervasive societal barriers or experiences of marginalization.
Each one of us has a unique blend of experiences historically, within our family makeup (if we were so lucky to have one), and in our current contexts that without naming, would be invisible to each other.
In fact, I believe the very basis of social justice work and connecting with each other in our communities should start with the assumption that every one of us has our own unique experience of trauma, and potentially with any number of intersections of oppression. To assume otherwise, is to invisibilize oppression, and to set up community dynamics where credibility is given to those who are willing and more importantly, able to name those experiences.
Recently, I spent some time in New York City over Pride. I have been there several times over the past few years, and this year at the Trans march, I was really struck by the differences in community makeup and activist expression. The most glaring difference, was the language used by speakers. There was a notable difference in who was on the microphone, how they spoke, and the language used that indicated to me a huge difference in the class and academic access of folks in this community vis a vis Toronto. I have come to realize that Toronto's activist community is highly educated... and the language used and the way ideas around social justice are conveyed are often at a very high intellectual level, meaning that select folks will have the ability to comprehend these conversations.
In T.O., especially, a large portion of the West End Queer Activist Community, as well as other community activist circles, are comprised of Masters and PHD level students - or at least, articulations of ideas and experiences. There is a certain level of reading ability and comprehension one must have, as well as time, access to and direction to seek out the ideas commonly circulated in T.O. activist circles in order to feel a part of much of the work done in our communities.
The ideas of everyday folk who experience marginalization and oppression (as seen in NYC), however, are no less impactful. In fact, those folks who lack access to these activist spaces should be at the center of community work. What kind of activism are we doing when only a select group of us can comprehend the ideas?
Radical activism should not be about cred or status or who is the loudest, or busiest with 'x' amount of projects, or how many ways one is capable of identifying their experiences. There are many creative ways for us to cross borders within our communities and truly do grassroots solidarity work (eg. community kitchens, zines, murals, art projects, call for artists targeting mental health survivors etc.) that do build Access For All.
And, while Toronto is better than many places at creative projects, we still have a long way to go in our conversations with each other...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
There Is No Pressure to Transition
I'm going to say something that will likely be unpopular, and perhaps challenge some folks to stretch themselves and their own reflexivities.
Are you ready? Wait for it.... "There is no pressure to transition."
Still listening? Good. Allow me to explain. It is a very simple argument, and it goes something like this:
The lack of validation, affirmation, visibility, desire, congruence, acceptance and anything else you might feel as a butch or masculine identified person, is just that. It is completely valid in and of itself. This experience has nothing to do with transmen, or those who have taken steps to live congruently in their bodies, potential similarities in experiences and histories notwithstanding.
Now, I want you to sit with this idea. Read it over a few times if need be, and sit with it some more. What you may need to reconcile is not what you perceive to be a valorization or celebration of trans identities or expressions in some community circles vis a vis your own. What you may wish to reconcile is the internalized degradation of your own identity, as the stand alone issue. Once more, this has nothing to do with transmen/guys. To believe that there is pressure from our own community to transition in order to receive desire, recognition, and affirmation of one's queer masculinity is to falsely attribute a hierarchy of trans/masculine identities. In my opinion, there is no such hierarchy. And, I have seen that butch and/or transmasculine identities are very much sought after in our communities.
The space that trans guys have carved for themselves with various creative media and performance arts, activism and community building, is just that. Desire for trans guys in our communities, is just that. It has nothing to do with other identities and embodiments. People in our communities are also attracted to butch, gender variant, genderqueer, genderfluid, androgynous and transmasculine gender expressions. These folks *see* you, admire you, think you're hot and want to *do* you. They *get* you and will reflect and affirm your identity back at you. Does affirmation for one identity take away from another? I don't think so. They are separate things, not dependent on one another. However, the trans liberation movement may actually serve to highlight and make visible alternate queer masculinities that have yet to receive recognition and support.
Perhaps, if the affirmation or degradation was coupled with "So when are you going to transition?" I could see a certain external pressure to be something one is not. However, this reasoning also presupposes that transitioning is a decision that anyone can make, at any time. It is to suppose that one can undertake, at a whim based in peer pressure, the action of significantly altering one's appearance and embodiment, with all the social, familial, societal, work, spiritual, relational, and some potentially unknown or ambiguous physical risks, for the sake of a "favoured aesthetic." This notion is simply ridiculous, and deeply demeaning of the process anyone may go through in order to transition. By extension, it supposes that transmen/guys are necessarily the offspring of female masculine identities deemed unliveable for the stigma and degradation directed at such identities. This line of reasoning displays a deep misunderstanding and ignorance of transsexual and transgender identities and personhood.
I have heard other butches, and also gender variant and transmasculine folks talk about the pressure they feel to transition. And while I have spent the past 9 years struggling with my own desire to embody myself in the way I feel most comfortable, I do not confuse or attribute this desire with/to pressure from the queer community to transition. I'm really not sure how someone else's transition has anything to do with my identity. What I do see as a valid pressure is the lack of feeling *seen* for one's queer masculinity, or masculinity in and of itself. And because transmen or people who are masculinizing themselves through hormone therapy or surgery can often be read more easily for their masculinity, it is certainly understandable to feel the desire to transition to receive such recognition, when one feels so obscured, erased, and de-legitimized, and has very little broader acknowledgement and celebration of their identity.
But, in recognizing a degradation of one's own identity, I feel it is crucial to separate this experience from this idea that trans male masculinity is somehow deemed as the epitomy of queer masculinity (outside of cisgendered queer/male circles).
It serves nothing to one's own process of reconciliation within themselves to attribute one's distress to the successful embodiment of another.
Are you ready? Wait for it.... "There is no pressure to transition."
Still listening? Good. Allow me to explain. It is a very simple argument, and it goes something like this:
The lack of validation, affirmation, visibility, desire, congruence, acceptance and anything else you might feel as a butch or masculine identified person, is just that. It is completely valid in and of itself. This experience has nothing to do with transmen, or those who have taken steps to live congruently in their bodies, potential similarities in experiences and histories notwithstanding.
Now, I want you to sit with this idea. Read it over a few times if need be, and sit with it some more. What you may need to reconcile is not what you perceive to be a valorization or celebration of trans identities or expressions in some community circles vis a vis your own. What you may wish to reconcile is the internalized degradation of your own identity, as the stand alone issue. Once more, this has nothing to do with transmen/guys. To believe that there is pressure from our own community to transition in order to receive desire, recognition, and affirmation of one's queer masculinity is to falsely attribute a hierarchy of trans/masculine identities. In my opinion, there is no such hierarchy. And, I have seen that butch and/or transmasculine identities are very much sought after in our communities.
The space that trans guys have carved for themselves with various creative media and performance arts, activism and community building, is just that. Desire for trans guys in our communities, is just that. It has nothing to do with other identities and embodiments. People in our communities are also attracted to butch, gender variant, genderqueer, genderfluid, androgynous and transmasculine gender expressions. These folks *see* you, admire you, think you're hot and want to *do* you. They *get* you and will reflect and affirm your identity back at you. Does affirmation for one identity take away from another? I don't think so. They are separate things, not dependent on one another. However, the trans liberation movement may actually serve to highlight and make visible alternate queer masculinities that have yet to receive recognition and support.
Perhaps, if the affirmation or degradation was coupled with "So when are you going to transition?" I could see a certain external pressure to be something one is not. However, this reasoning also presupposes that transitioning is a decision that anyone can make, at any time. It is to suppose that one can undertake, at a whim based in peer pressure, the action of significantly altering one's appearance and embodiment, with all the social, familial, societal, work, spiritual, relational, and some potentially unknown or ambiguous physical risks, for the sake of a "favoured aesthetic." This notion is simply ridiculous, and deeply demeaning of the process anyone may go through in order to transition. By extension, it supposes that transmen/guys are necessarily the offspring of female masculine identities deemed unliveable for the stigma and degradation directed at such identities. This line of reasoning displays a deep misunderstanding and ignorance of transsexual and transgender identities and personhood.
I have heard other butches, and also gender variant and transmasculine folks talk about the pressure they feel to transition. And while I have spent the past 9 years struggling with my own desire to embody myself in the way I feel most comfortable, I do not confuse or attribute this desire with/to pressure from the queer community to transition. I'm really not sure how someone else's transition has anything to do with my identity. What I do see as a valid pressure is the lack of feeling *seen* for one's queer masculinity, or masculinity in and of itself. And because transmen or people who are masculinizing themselves through hormone therapy or surgery can often be read more easily for their masculinity, it is certainly understandable to feel the desire to transition to receive such recognition, when one feels so obscured, erased, and de-legitimized, and has very little broader acknowledgement and celebration of their identity.
But, in recognizing a degradation of one's own identity, I feel it is crucial to separate this experience from this idea that trans male masculinity is somehow deemed as the epitomy of queer masculinity (outside of cisgendered queer/male circles).
It serves nothing to one's own process of reconciliation within themselves to attribute one's distress to the successful embodiment of another.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Rainbow Butches: Restorying Butch Norms
One Butch... Two Butch... Three...
How Many Butches can there be?
I like to use the word "Butch" as much as possible, mainly because I never hear or see it anywhere. Never hearing or seeing one's identity across the lifespan and only for a brief blip - too closeted until my twenties to understand myself as Butch - and too young to experience connection to older Butch/Femme community - I occupy my thirties for the first time with a full conception of my Butch identity in all its non-normative glory, and very little community to share with...
In large part, this is why I have been excited to move to a bigger city and try something new by seeking out and creating space with my co-organizer Sheree to bring all manner of Butches and Femmes from the queer womyn and trans community together to celebrate. I have avoided B/F spaces because of the generational divide, my conceptions about what it means to be Butch based on stereotypes (and sometimes bad behaviour) perpetuated by our own communities, and what I have perceived to be the exclusion and marginalization of Trans narratives.
I was interested in creating space to honour shifts in identity, re-center Trans narratives within B/F community, and acknowledge and celebrate our commonalities across various generational and label divides. Despite our many wonderful variations of gender expression, masculinity, femininity, transness, queerness etc. - I believe we have things in common as self-identified members of a Butch/Femme community. We have shared experiences around busting through and re-formulating gender dynamics in our relationships and in our selves; how we navigate and fight for space to be seen in our entireties; and how we validate each other in our dynamics, for starters.
That said, in seeking to create new spaces for us to gather and celebrate I think it's poignant to recount dominant narratives on Butchness: what it means to be Butch, who gets seen as Butch, how Butch is framed, what community do with the label, and how we internalize these notions and the impact on our identity expressions.
I keep hearing that "Butch" and "Femme" are throwback terms to early days of dykery. Images of hushed entrances to underground bars where tuxedoes and evening dresses revealed the taboo lust of this particular manifestation of lesbianism, come to mind. Tales of brawls ensuing over misdirected, wandering and curious gazes, and blood splattered washrooms hint at the potency of one aspect of B/F history and space taking. During these early days it also seems the birth of community politics around who gets labelled Butch or Femme took root... often lumping all masculine folk into one category, and ignoring differences and oddly reinvoking discrimination against sexual preferences, presentation and desire outside newly established norms.
Butches who were into butches, androgynous folk, femmes into femmes, transfolk who id'd as butch/femme all received harassment, degradation, and diminishment from those who didn't recognize a diversity in identity in these early days. When I am speaking, thinking, and writing about B/F community I bear this in mind - for example, that Butch/Butch community, and Femme/Femme community have particular dynamics that are not spoken for and hold their own space, importance and history. I believe it is okay and important to hold space for all of these communities and they must not compete with one another.
Something happened early on in our communities around holding space and fighting for visibility - in which we started policing ourselves and forcing one another into perceived categories of butchness or femmeness as if they were the only options. In fact, I still hear our communities harassing each other around identity.... "Well, what are you? You must be the Butch. You look kinda butchy" and "You dress femmey, so you must be the Femme."
Alas, looking "kinda butchy" does not make one Butch, nor does "dressing femmey" make one Femme. It isn't mandatory for anyone to choose either a Butch or Femme identity, as if these were the only options. However, this myth has been perpetuated across generations and we have largely done it to ourselves. Calling each other Butch when we perform certain behaviours, mannerisms, activities, styles of dress etc. as an adjective reinforces this idea that there is only one way to be Butch and ironically, express masculinity. Queer masculinities have suffered from this notion of norming Butchness, but it is evident that there are many more ways to express masculinities these days than we have allowed ourselves previously.
Many more identity labels have centred themselves to fill in the gaps of normative Butch masculinities for those assigned female at birth. Bois, Andros, Genderqueers, Genderfluids, Soft Butches, Sissy Butches, Femmefags, Trannyfags, Aggressives, Studs, Machas, Bofinhos, Dykefags, Glitter Butches, Daddys, Papis, Nelly Butches, Butch fags, Andro fags, FTMs, Trans Butches.... you fill in the blank. There are many more ways to express queer masculinities and sexualities, and thankfully, many more ways to inhabit Butch identity than ever before.
One does not have to embody a Butch uniform of sorts in order to *be* a Butch... and conversely, expressing one's queer masculinity does not have to mean one *is* a Butch.
If you are a tea sipping, spikey haired, limp wristed, sensible shoe wearing, pink-loving, glitter wearing, bottomy, cock-loving, sissy boi who id's as Butch - you are, in fact, Butch - because you say so. And if my Butch identity (hypothetically) doesn't include any of those things... I'm pretty sure we still have a lot in common.
How Many Butches can there be?
I like to use the word "Butch" as much as possible, mainly because I never hear or see it anywhere. Never hearing or seeing one's identity across the lifespan and only for a brief blip - too closeted until my twenties to understand myself as Butch - and too young to experience connection to older Butch/Femme community - I occupy my thirties for the first time with a full conception of my Butch identity in all its non-normative glory, and very little community to share with...
In large part, this is why I have been excited to move to a bigger city and try something new by seeking out and creating space with my co-organizer Sheree to bring all manner of Butches and Femmes from the queer womyn and trans community together to celebrate. I have avoided B/F spaces because of the generational divide, my conceptions about what it means to be Butch based on stereotypes (and sometimes bad behaviour) perpetuated by our own communities, and what I have perceived to be the exclusion and marginalization of Trans narratives.
I was interested in creating space to honour shifts in identity, re-center Trans narratives within B/F community, and acknowledge and celebrate our commonalities across various generational and label divides. Despite our many wonderful variations of gender expression, masculinity, femininity, transness, queerness etc. - I believe we have things in common as self-identified members of a Butch/Femme community. We have shared experiences around busting through and re-formulating gender dynamics in our relationships and in our selves; how we navigate and fight for space to be seen in our entireties; and how we validate each other in our dynamics, for starters.
That said, in seeking to create new spaces for us to gather and celebrate I think it's poignant to recount dominant narratives on Butchness: what it means to be Butch, who gets seen as Butch, how Butch is framed, what community do with the label, and how we internalize these notions and the impact on our identity expressions.
I keep hearing that "Butch" and "Femme" are throwback terms to early days of dykery. Images of hushed entrances to underground bars where tuxedoes and evening dresses revealed the taboo lust of this particular manifestation of lesbianism, come to mind. Tales of brawls ensuing over misdirected, wandering and curious gazes, and blood splattered washrooms hint at the potency of one aspect of B/F history and space taking. During these early days it also seems the birth of community politics around who gets labelled Butch or Femme took root... often lumping all masculine folk into one category, and ignoring differences and oddly reinvoking discrimination against sexual preferences, presentation and desire outside newly established norms.
Butches who were into butches, androgynous folk, femmes into femmes, transfolk who id'd as butch/femme all received harassment, degradation, and diminishment from those who didn't recognize a diversity in identity in these early days. When I am speaking, thinking, and writing about B/F community I bear this in mind - for example, that Butch/Butch community, and Femme/Femme community have particular dynamics that are not spoken for and hold their own space, importance and history. I believe it is okay and important to hold space for all of these communities and they must not compete with one another.
Something happened early on in our communities around holding space and fighting for visibility - in which we started policing ourselves and forcing one another into perceived categories of butchness or femmeness as if they were the only options. In fact, I still hear our communities harassing each other around identity.... "Well, what are you? You must be the Butch. You look kinda butchy" and "You dress femmey, so you must be the Femme."
Alas, looking "kinda butchy" does not make one Butch, nor does "dressing femmey" make one Femme. It isn't mandatory for anyone to choose either a Butch or Femme identity, as if these were the only options. However, this myth has been perpetuated across generations and we have largely done it to ourselves. Calling each other Butch when we perform certain behaviours, mannerisms, activities, styles of dress etc. as an adjective reinforces this idea that there is only one way to be Butch and ironically, express masculinity. Queer masculinities have suffered from this notion of norming Butchness, but it is evident that there are many more ways to express masculinities these days than we have allowed ourselves previously.
Many more identity labels have centred themselves to fill in the gaps of normative Butch masculinities for those assigned female at birth. Bois, Andros, Genderqueers, Genderfluids, Soft Butches, Sissy Butches, Femmefags, Trannyfags, Aggressives, Studs, Machas, Bofinhos, Dykefags, Glitter Butches, Daddys, Papis, Nelly Butches, Butch fags, Andro fags, FTMs, Trans Butches.... you fill in the blank. There are many more ways to express queer masculinities and sexualities, and thankfully, many more ways to inhabit Butch identity than ever before.
One does not have to embody a Butch uniform of sorts in order to *be* a Butch... and conversely, expressing one's queer masculinity does not have to mean one *is* a Butch.
If you are a tea sipping, spikey haired, limp wristed, sensible shoe wearing, pink-loving, glitter wearing, bottomy, cock-loving, sissy boi who id's as Butch - you are, in fact, Butch - because you say so. And if my Butch identity (hypothetically) doesn't include any of those things... I'm pretty sure we still have a lot in common.
Transitioning While Butch
There's something I'd like to talk about.... as a Butch identified person and gender non-conformist.
It's the idea of transitioning. Why is this subject taboo for Butches and/or other gender non-conformists? I have come to realize that much of my paralyzing ambivalence around 'transitioning' and my own health care options has been influenced by the stigma and myths around what it means to transition. This includes what meaning is placed on breast tissue removal and chest masculinization, as well as effects of testosterone on appearance, mood and personality.
I am not speaking about the idea of transitioning to manhood, which I fully support the ability of male identified people to do. I am speaking about the ability of non-male identified trans people, Butches, Bois and others to transition into our bodies in ways we feel comfortable - ways which fully respect our psychological, emotional, and physical needs. I believe many Butches are limited from openly discussing their desires to take steps to inhabit themselves more comfortably and fully because of this stigma, the judgments and conclusions people in our own communities make around these acts and options - as well as pervasive genderism in our healthcare systems.
Many Butches are suffering due to a lack of information on how access to trans related healthcare can benefit them. For example, it is not uncommon for Butches to experience hormonal irregularities, with the common solution being prescription of the pill. However, for Butches already suffering from bodily distress around feminization, going on the pill would increase an already unbearable discomfort in inhabiting our bodies. Developing fuller breasts, hips and softer bodies, for individuals already in distress and who feel at war with their bodies will only increase psychological, emotional, and gender dysphoria.
The simple fact is, testosterone has been prescribed to women-identified people for the past 40 years for health related issues with little negative impact. Female assigned and identified people are prescribed low doses of testosterone for increased libido, wellness, self image, muscle strength, endurance and recovery, increased bone density, mood imbalance, fatigue, muscle soreness, relief from anxiety and depression, sleep disturbance, increased metabolism, energy, focus, and memory, for example. Side effects include mild hair growth, muscle growth, lowered voice, increased genital size, decreased breast size, interruption/lack of periods (dose dependent) and slightly increased masculinization. For many Butches, side effects would actually be desired effects! Why testosterone therapy hasn't been presented more readily as an option for gender non-conforming people in health care is a disservice to all those who could benefit from it and is likely based in gendered notions of healthcare.
In terms of stigma within our own communities in using testosterone as hormone therapy, I have often heard of remarks of how testosterone will affect our personalities by making us more aggressive, hostile, chauvinistic, less sensitive, and more sexist in our behaviour towards our female id'd partners (for those of us who date women). While I'm sure that some individuals who use testosterone act like assholes, what I would tend to argue with is the idea that testosterone is the cause. For many of us who use this health option, the benefits make us happier, more self-confident people. We feel more right in ourselves because of our increased libidos and masculinization and may in many cases receive more appropriate gendering as a result - which also increases our sense of wellness. Differences in emotionality and affect may be very subtle or not noticeable, especially when taking low doses.
As for top surgery, there are similar pressures and stigmas preventing many Butches, Bois, Genderqueers, and others from exercising this option. The idea that top surgery must be preceded or accompanied by hormonal and conceptual transition to maleness has limited this option for many. I admire the bravery of those individuals who have gone ahead with tissue removal without hormone therapy and who feel greater relief and self esteem as a result of removing the feminizing and gendering aspect of "breasts." The thought of not having to bind and to be able to physically relax on a cellular level as a result of feeling right in one's body and passing more readily is liberating. To be able to finally wear shirts/clothing that do not signify femaleness by virtue of lumps on one's chest, without being read to have breasts or cleavage of any sort would be incredible. And for those who have the cash, it is an option. Some doctors do not require the degradation of having to submit to psychological or psychiatric testing in order to make the choice of what to do with one's body, and will honour the autonomy and selfhood of those who do not fit the gender binary.
The idea that gender non-conformists must suffer through their dysphoria as a right of passage or inherent aspect of their identities is grossly misinformed, transphobic, and archaic. Labelling access to appropriate healthcare options as a product of internalized misogyny is, in fact, a product of cisgender privilege.
For those who have been curious about trans health care and the benefits to them, I encourage you to do your own research, ask questions, talk to others, and advocate for your right to access what is already available for others. Conceptual limitations and stigma need not impair your ability to make informed health care decisions to fully inhabit yourself and your happiness.
It's the idea of transitioning. Why is this subject taboo for Butches and/or other gender non-conformists? I have come to realize that much of my paralyzing ambivalence around 'transitioning' and my own health care options has been influenced by the stigma and myths around what it means to transition. This includes what meaning is placed on breast tissue removal and chest masculinization, as well as effects of testosterone on appearance, mood and personality.
I am not speaking about the idea of transitioning to manhood, which I fully support the ability of male identified people to do. I am speaking about the ability of non-male identified trans people, Butches, Bois and others to transition into our bodies in ways we feel comfortable - ways which fully respect our psychological, emotional, and physical needs. I believe many Butches are limited from openly discussing their desires to take steps to inhabit themselves more comfortably and fully because of this stigma, the judgments and conclusions people in our own communities make around these acts and options - as well as pervasive genderism in our healthcare systems.
Many Butches are suffering due to a lack of information on how access to trans related healthcare can benefit them. For example, it is not uncommon for Butches to experience hormonal irregularities, with the common solution being prescription of the pill. However, for Butches already suffering from bodily distress around feminization, going on the pill would increase an already unbearable discomfort in inhabiting our bodies. Developing fuller breasts, hips and softer bodies, for individuals already in distress and who feel at war with their bodies will only increase psychological, emotional, and gender dysphoria.
The simple fact is, testosterone has been prescribed to women-identified people for the past 40 years for health related issues with little negative impact. Female assigned and identified people are prescribed low doses of testosterone for increased libido, wellness, self image, muscle strength, endurance and recovery, increased bone density, mood imbalance, fatigue, muscle soreness, relief from anxiety and depression, sleep disturbance, increased metabolism, energy, focus, and memory, for example. Side effects include mild hair growth, muscle growth, lowered voice, increased genital size, decreased breast size, interruption/lack of periods (dose dependent) and slightly increased masculinization. For many Butches, side effects would actually be desired effects! Why testosterone therapy hasn't been presented more readily as an option for gender non-conforming people in health care is a disservice to all those who could benefit from it and is likely based in gendered notions of healthcare.
In terms of stigma within our own communities in using testosterone as hormone therapy, I have often heard of remarks of how testosterone will affect our personalities by making us more aggressive, hostile, chauvinistic, less sensitive, and more sexist in our behaviour towards our female id'd partners (for those of us who date women). While I'm sure that some individuals who use testosterone act like assholes, what I would tend to argue with is the idea that testosterone is the cause. For many of us who use this health option, the benefits make us happier, more self-confident people. We feel more right in ourselves because of our increased libidos and masculinization and may in many cases receive more appropriate gendering as a result - which also increases our sense of wellness. Differences in emotionality and affect may be very subtle or not noticeable, especially when taking low doses.
As for top surgery, there are similar pressures and stigmas preventing many Butches, Bois, Genderqueers, and others from exercising this option. The idea that top surgery must be preceded or accompanied by hormonal and conceptual transition to maleness has limited this option for many. I admire the bravery of those individuals who have gone ahead with tissue removal without hormone therapy and who feel greater relief and self esteem as a result of removing the feminizing and gendering aspect of "breasts." The thought of not having to bind and to be able to physically relax on a cellular level as a result of feeling right in one's body and passing more readily is liberating. To be able to finally wear shirts/clothing that do not signify femaleness by virtue of lumps on one's chest, without being read to have breasts or cleavage of any sort would be incredible. And for those who have the cash, it is an option. Some doctors do not require the degradation of having to submit to psychological or psychiatric testing in order to make the choice of what to do with one's body, and will honour the autonomy and selfhood of those who do not fit the gender binary.
The idea that gender non-conformists must suffer through their dysphoria as a right of passage or inherent aspect of their identities is grossly misinformed, transphobic, and archaic. Labelling access to appropriate healthcare options as a product of internalized misogyny is, in fact, a product of cisgender privilege.
For those who have been curious about trans health care and the benefits to them, I encourage you to do your own research, ask questions, talk to others, and advocate for your right to access what is already available for others. Conceptual limitations and stigma need not impair your ability to make informed health care decisions to fully inhabit yourself and your happiness.
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