Reconciling Dyke

I think it's time to take a little space to write about the intricacies of dyke and trans identities.

As you may know by now, I do not subscribe to the most *seen* trans/sexual narrative of being "born in the wrong body," of having a "clear destination" or "end point" in transition, of identifying strictly as male, or as a man at all. It has taken much trans visibility, activism, advancement in available options, and shedding of layers and layers of repression for me to even begin to understand how to holistically integrate my identity and embodiment in the most authentic, satisfactory way.

That said, I think it is important for me and others who may feel likewise to speak about that aspect of reconciliation - of making visible the linkages and coherency we have come to in our identities, historically and at present... despite a lack of foreground to do so. It's hard to reconcile having identified as a 'dyke' in a comprehensive way, and then feeling the right to retain that history as someone transitioning into a more 'male' appearance (for lack of better words). It feels like there is this pressure from various facets of our community to separate out these identity locations - to view one's dyke past as separate from themself; to disqualify it somehow. A trans male identity is often seen as the Great Departure from dykehood into the realm of No Man's Land. Community dynamics outside of (and still within) large, progressive urban centers such as T.O. highlight this separation and exclusion.

However, I believe it is the right of every person, trans or otherwise, to claim the coherence of their identity in the best way that it fits for them. This means creating space internally within oneself and in dialogue with others around having lived in both or many worlds of identity in an integrated way. The syncopation of a non-normatively linear path to identity may throw off others, but it need not exclude the possibility for rendering oneself and their narrative whole by including all aspects of their growth in identity and various periods of reclaimation.

In other words, I was a dyke. I am now trans. At once I was and am both. The historical urgency of claiming a dyke identity as the best possible fit for me at the time and subsequent emergence of my trans identity do not cancel each other out. They are deeply linked, not separate. For me, a dyke identity did precede and feed into my newly (consciously) formed trans identity. My understanding of my relationship to my body, my parts, my sexuality, my relationships with women (men, and transfolk), and the way I related between bodies in dyke identity was never complete on it's own (trans otherness always lingered despite lack of vocabulary). Yet those experiences were and still are an authentic part of my whole experience. My understanding of selfhood and the relationship to my and others' bodies have shifted, but 'dyke' for me was never a phase to begin with. It was simply the most suitable category I could live, thrive, and survive with.

That said, being a dyke has deeply shaped how I know myself as a trans person. It has inherently shaped my trans/feminist/humanist politics. My understanding of my own femaleness and having walked through the world for 30 years being read as solely female, with all the assumptions and impositions forthwith, define who I am comprehensively. These things do not form a lingering shadow of mis-fit or an unspoken past.

They are integral to my subjective experience of the world and will continue to shape how I learn and move through space and time.