To Boob, or Not to Boob

That is the question. Or, at least, it's one that's been on my mind for quite some time.

The whole subject of breasts is so political for me. I feel like they are a great deal of how I am perceived in the world. So many female change rooms and washrooms would have been barred for me, had it not been for the fact that you can just ever so slightly discern that I've got a pair.

"Ok, go ahead." After being glanced over I get the nod to go in. Sometimes, if my back is turned too soon I get the "No, you can't go in... Oh. Go ahead."

This brings to mind a whole other discussion around washrooms, which other transpeople have discussed. Each of us has a goldmine of stories to share around such policing of toilet spaces.

But, back to the breast.

Mine developed so painfully slowly. I remember sitting around with some girls in my Grade 5 class. We were talking about shaving legs. I remember asking them why the heck they were shaving, when clearly they didn't have any hair? Suffice to say, it was more about the process - the womanly process of caring for oneself in that particular way that was relevant, not necessarily the removal of hair itself. The same went for training bras. Looking around at my peers it was plain to see that girls were developing rapidly. Some had a full pair before I even grew my nipples. They were discussing which bras they should fit into, when they moved from training bras to real bras, shopping, excitement.

I just remember feeling sheepish. I never felt like I was one of the girls and the idea that my body would somehow turn me into one confused me. I kept waiting. Waiting. Waiting, for the moment that my chest would spring forth and declare me a woman. It simply never happened.

By age 12, I had barely enough to qualify for training bra shopping at Zellers, and even so, I didn't know why I had bothered. This trend carried on through highschool, and finally my early twenties. I was like, "Is this it? Really?" I'm thirty(ish) now, and I barely feel like I've developed enough boob to have them fall roundly - ever stuck in the preadolescent development stage.

This is fine. Now. There was a time when I was heavily body building, still identified as straight, and was petrified to come into my masculinity as far as way of dress and hair styles go. So I was in this weird hetero-defined and inscribed role of woman, while developing substantial muscle mass and form. It had, in fact, occurred to me that I would somehow lose what little breasts I had and that I should take action to prevent this if they did disappear. The thought of implants crossed my mind - for a second. Thank god I never gave it a serious thought! And, no matter how hard I worked out or how little fat on my body there was, the tissue persisted. Not quite breasts remained.

Today, the question is, why do I hold onto them when I feel so uncomfortable in my body? Perhaps if they weren't so sexualized as a symbol of femaleness, I wouldn't have such a problem with my man boobs. They wouldn't be the dazzling, rippling pecs that I envision myself most comfortable with, but at least I wouldn't be so disturbed by them, perhaps. And yet, I hold onto them still because I'm not quite ready to move into that space. The space where I am no longer de facto politicized because I clearly don't fit into the binary.

Since so much of my identity since I was in diapers has been around fighting gender norms, the fact that I might be perceived steadily or readily as male somehow feels like a loss. The place I occupy now, where I may surprise someone in either direction - not quite a man, nor woman has been my home. That place of discomfort is inextricably intertwined with and has defined my gender identity.

What happens when I lose this?

Gender Testing in Sport: Reinforcing the Binary

The latest case of gender policing in sport has come to light with South African World Junior gold medalist runner Caster Semenya’s accomplishments, if not her medal, being stripped from her based on perceptions of her gender and an unfair advantage.

The young Caster had achieved astounding success in leaps and bounds, which left many eyebrows raised and fingers pointing that her masculine presentation deserved investigation for evidence of gender fakery. “That’s no woman! It’s a man competing in women’s races!”

After all, women in sport must take extra precaution to ensure their womanliness if they are to be accepted as athletes. Women’s athletic bodies, and, women’s bodies in general are sites of scrutiny and measurement to standards of femininity that reinforce and repress natural expressions of gender such as Caster’s. And, perish the thought that Black female athletes (and non-athletes alike) have been subjected to white standards of femaleness and femininity and, therefore, racism.

Now we have a young gifted athlete who has done nothing but accomplish feats her peers could not, and the world stage has called her gender and her sex into question. The result is that any female athlete must subject herself to medical rape and inspection in order to prove that she is, in fact, female by traditionally conceived notions and socially appropriate norms. But this whole debacle raises important questions, despite the traumatic and degradingly inappropriate leakage of Caster’s personal and very private information.

Where is the place in competition for those who do not neatly fit gender or sex expectations? Where is Caster’s place on the world stage? What is the solution of all of this probing, examining, and humiliating? If it is true that Caster, or someone like her is intersex, where would such an athlete compete? People claim that she has an unfair advantage but the fact is, she is naturally gifted. Cases such as this make clear that gender and sex are not clear-cut. There is no such thing as men’s competitions and women’s competitions. These notions are socially constructed and biologically inaccurate.

So what criteria do we use? Does this mean all hell breaks lose and those who are deemed not female or not male compete in their own ‘Special Olympics’? Does it mean they don’t get to compete at all? Does it mean that all genders should be lumped together? Well clearly these aren’t solutions. I think the paranoia that belies excluding intersex, transgender, transsexual or non-gender conforming individuals in sport is that they are somehow using an unfair biological advantage.

For instance, a transsexual female athlete such as women's downhill mountain bike racer Michelle Dumaresq (who wins, btw) is seen to not only be parading as a fake woman, but that the parading is purposely for using an unfair advantage to win. I mean, does anyone care if transgender athletes compete if they don’t win? As in the case of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, female athletes are being sex tested and their biology sometimes comes into question, yet they are allowed to continue to compete. Is this because they passed as women? Or is it because they didn’t actually win? What exactly is an unfair advantage?

While I pray that this public degrading of Caster’s accomplishments does not succeed in bringing down this young soul’s spirits – I think it’s about time we examined as a whole our gender expectations of women, intersex, and transpeople in sport, and in general. Perhaps this case will make way for the inclusion of a spectrum of gender so that folks like Caster don’t have to pretend to be anything but what they are.

What we are.

Where Have All The Butches Gone?

I often hear this question in the Lesbian community.

Indeed. The question is often piggy backed on the assumption that said butches are being Lost In Transition. There was a time when the Butch identity was the only masculine identity available to non-femme or non-feminine female born individuals. The identity has been particularly politically charged within the lesbian community as a form of resistance against not only patriarchal maleness and masculinity, but also, as an expression of masculinity in and of itself. Do butches want to be men? Do they hate their own bodies? Do they have internalized misogyny?

In the past 5-10 years, the issue of butch visibility and dare I say, relevance as a political identity within the womyn’s community, has been perceived to be disrupted by the growing number of individuals in the FtM and transgender community. Womyn are literally asking: Where have all the butches gone? This question is a relevant one. There do indeed seem to be fewer young womyn who identify as butch. Couple this with growing numbers of individuals id-ing as trans and choosing some form of transition – some lesbians are concerned they are “losing” their butches. Indeed, some butches are concerned they are losing fellow butches, with the resultant questioning of self-identity. What makes (me) a butch woman different from a trans person? Should I be transitioning? Why is the idea of female born persons transitioning so threatening to the womyn’s community?

I recently watched a film at the Out On Screen festival entitled: Against A Trans Narrative. I initially thought the film would document the variation of gender expression within the Female to(wards) Male community, and discussion around how not all masculine id’d trans people are necessarily seeking an end point as definitively male presenting. What the film turned out to be was a discussion among various members of the queer and old school lesbian community as well as feminist circles of this very notion of trans identity, and what the implications of such an identity are. While the film wasn’t what I expected it to be… it did provoke some reactions in me. Not because the concerns being discussed were anything new, but that they are still concerns.

If we are to address this notion that butches are being “lost” to the ftm/trans community, we must first acknowledge who is experiencing the loss. Who is it that is identifying a loss of butch women (if it is indeed the case that butches are now id-ing as trans)? Who is claiming ownership of butch women and the expression of their masculine identity? Furthermore, why would an emerging identity of trans be considered a loss of a butch woman? This is all very confusing but there are, in fact, overlaps between the butch and the masculine/trans experience. Social stigma, gender dysphoria… so what makes a butch different from a trans person?

The lines are not so clear. And, while some individuals who id’d as butch have endured a political and social struggle in which they had no choice but to carve out space for their expression of masculinity within the spectre of womanhood – might some of those old school butches transitioned if given the opportunity and means? And if they did transition, would it be due to the burden of social stigma and internalized shame, innate discomfort and desire, or some combination of both? And if there was an element of socially imposed stigma and shame that affected the relationship of butch women to their bodies resulting in their choice to transition, does anyone in the womyn’s community have ownership of this issue? Or is it an individual choice?

My problem is not that many in the womyn’s community are concerned that they may be losing their butches. My problem is the license with which these womyn are questioning my choice to express my masculinity within my own body - and imposing the identification of butch woman on me as an end point for my identity. I have a problem with the womyn’s community taking ownership of my identity, questioning the validity of it, and the choices I make around it - even openly degrading it, if not simply misunderstanding it.

Should we not consider the gain of trans guys in the community? The gaining of whole persons who have achieved a manner of selfhood that is comfortable to them – and still pushes the gender norms? That such expressions are not acts of self mutilation or degradation but facilitated expression of innate being? Sure, transition as a form of gender expression is one more act taken to fully express oneself in the world. Now if you are questioning the purity of such an act – I want you to look in the mirror and itemize all the things you do on a daily basis to comfortably express your gender; including all the dietary, exercise and behavioral choices you have consciously and unconsciously made in order to cultivate a relationship between your body and gender that is satisfactory to you and brings social comfort in the world.

I also hear this idea of FtM and trans individuals gaining “male privilege” upon transitioning. While it is true many trans guys pass as male and therefore are treated accordingly, we can never forget the struggle with which they have achieved their embodiment of maleness. Someone who was assigned female at birth, who struggles for a good portion of their life under the burden of gender and socially imposed dysphoria, chooses transition as a means to a full and unencumbered life – one set free from daily anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation - has a much different experience of masculinity than one born into male privilege.

Furthermore, if that trans guy outed himself as trans, he would be subject to possibly the highest risk of violence and homicide as having been perceived to be an imposter. This is not male privilege. Experiencing respect for one’s masculinity in the world does not equal male privilege. And to think that someone would transition for this reason, or that they have made the life altering, irreversible decision to transition to access male privilege is to undermine and question the validity of trans identity. Womyn have fought long and hard for the right to determine how and what to do with their bodies – is it not ironic that they would use their voices to determine what is acceptable or not for trans or butch people?