My Dick is a Pussy

My thoughts have been preoccupied of late.

I was having a conversation with my talented girlfriend the other night about the courses we take in life. She was talking about the value of choices which lead to a particular struggle, and the importance of the knowledge that comes when one's spirit is formed around that struggle.

It got me to thinking about my own life choices, particularly around engendering myself in my early years and how I've chosen to express (supress) my gender for the bulk of my life. And, I came to the conclusion that my choices around attempting to perform an empowered femininity and femaleness have, over the course of my lifetime, actually been necessary in forming my conceptualization of what it means to inhabit maleness and manhood. Simply put, I wouldn't be the type of 'man' I am today if I hadn't walked the path of feminine girl and womanhood. Those choices which I have previously felt were an acquiescence of my being and my soul, which have cumulatively felt like a betrayal of my trans masculinity and boyhood, have served a very important purpose of maintaining the ferocity of a gentle spirit informed solely by what it means to live as a pussy centered being.

That's right. My pussy has informed my manhood. Growing up and walking through the world trying with every cell of my molecular being to claim my femaleness as my own despite what has been assigned to me, has meant that I have a deep appreciation for the power of femininity, womanhood, physical embodiment and what it means to carry the weight of misogyny and sexism on my body and in my soul. I am now embracing my choice to try for so many years to make my femaleness work for me, because it has given me the gifts of a struggle of living in the world in a way that I never could have, had I expressed my transmasculinity consistently throughout. I had to carve space for the kind of being I wanted to become, but that being was purely informed by my ownership of my wholeness as a complicated female subject. Every choice I've made about how to transition and how to move through the world now gendered as male, has been lit by the fire of my battle with patriarchy as a female subject.

I am not cock identified, I am pussy identified. Even my dick is a pussy.

Men are consistently, implicitly, and overtly rewarded every second of their lives for performing stereotypically masculine aggressive behaviours. They are constantly under threat of being perceived as pussies. This is evident in homophobia and transphobia. Men who take up space, who take over space at others' expense, who consistently play into the legitimization of their own power by the choices they make in terms of how they dress, walk, emobody themselves physically, emotionally, and in how they non verbally interact with others, will always be validated in terms of their manhood in everyday life. We see this in gay male communities where Butchness is rewarded and Femmeness degraded and devalued. We see this carried over into trans male communities in terms of the stereotypical narratives, understandings of gender, and ways of displaying masculinity that have taken precedence and gone unchallenged. Trans men who enact these masculinities and behave badly are rarely held to task by their brothers or siblings, and continue to reap the rewards of admiration and desire for this masculinity. The same can be said for traditional Butch masculinities in queer women's spaces.

I don't believe in the state of being or having a pussy as a receptive, submissive, bottomy, failure. I don't worry about the huge gap between my thighs as waiting to be filled with a symbol of my empowerment for me to swing forth and clobber those around me with. I don't need to widen my stance, throw my head back, swagger like a cowboy, or dominate others, especially queer Femme women, to embolden my manhood. I have a cock but it is surely outweighed by the power of my pussy. This power of the pussy is something more men could benefit from intimately understanding within their own being. My strength in my gender is informed by my absence of *true maleness* as a categorical biological necessity, and by my rejection of patriarchal manhood.

I am my own man. And my pussy will swallow you whole.

In the Eye of the Beholder

For the past two years, I have seen my evolution in the eyes of others reflected back at me in ways that I can only make meaning of as enlightening, and disturbing. My trajectory into being read as a male subject has been, shall we say....interesting.

There seem to be at least two distinct things going on here: 1) being read as a 'str8, masculine, able-bodied, white man' and, 2) being increasingly read as an effeminate, gay, able-bodied, white, male. The latter has been increasingly made known to me by the regularity with which I have been approached or shouted (even spat) at with terms such as "pretty boy faggot," regardless of which city or context I am in. Here at home in Toronto, and abroad, it seems that my presentation as a male subject has taken a turn from acceptance at perceived/assigned manhood, to being degraded for my perceived femininity. I will touch on the latter, momentarily.

Early on in my transition, I became aware that folks that did not know me, particularly what I perceived to be heteronormative, straight, masculine, men, had drastically shifted their reception of me. Being perceived initially, and now only some of the time as a hetero-masculine, straight subject resulted in noticeable changes socially and interpersonally, resulting in my absorption into the Western-Anglo patriarchal system.

I noticed something had changed when men started touching me. Strangers. The kind of men who would generally react in hostility or indifference to my very presence as what they read to be a butch female person, previously. Suddenly, these men started to see me as "one of their own." These times that I am perceived to be "one of the boys," are very confusing to me.

From inhabiting a visibly genderqueer, butch expression, I had been accustomed to being pushed to the margins in terms of human interaction in everyday life. When you are read as a gender non-conforming "woman," you are treated in a very particular way. From my experience, as someone that inhabited an uncommonly muscular, male-ish physique, wearing tattoos, and shaved/close cropped haircuts and "men's" clothing while not passing as male, it was regularly assumed that I was de facto, an aggressive person. My masculinity was read to be hostility directed outwards at society, particularly at men. I'm sure many theses have been written on why this is so, and I have my own interesting thoughts relating to this subject. Being read as a hostile subject by way of my gender presentation most people would interact with me with a pre-emptive defensive, or aggressive communication. Otherwise, silence, staring, or disregard were the norm in everyday life.

Since then, as I have come into my self as a more visible male-appearing subject, the expression that I previously embodied as butch, temporarily landed me in the category of 'masculine man.' This is not how I identify, it is simply how I was perceived. When strangers, especially men, first set their gaze upon me in this new shell they tended to see a reflection of themselves. Oddly, the qualities that make up my person have always been centered around gentleness, compassion, and a reluctance to take up space; to be more the silent observer, or the background organizer. Having been perceived as a gender transgressor previously, had unwittingly placed me in the cross hairs of most people's narrow views. A subject of unwanted attention and scorn.

This was then flipped to an unearned place of approval, and esteem. Men who would have previously felt threatened by my very presence, instinctively placed their hands on my body as signs of acceptance and comraderie. They engaged and started conversations and small talk with me around whatever it was that was on their minds. They looked at me. They assumed and imbued my person with an unearned respect and validity that I rarely experienced from very few, sensitive, and aware, mostly queer men. In essence, they let their guard down around me and invited me into a realm of space that prioritizes my opinions, experience, and voice.

Interactions with cisgender straight women also shifted momentarily. From similary hostile, distancing, and strained relations previously, I was prioritized as a subject worthy of taking up unearned space. My presence drew immediate attention and validation, as well as responsiveness. If I wanted something, I barely had to ask for it to get it. Again, I am thinking of everyday interactions and transactions that one makes from travelling through the world. I was presumed to be knowledgeable, powerful, capable, and worthy. I was expected to be aggressive and given permission and acceptance for stereotypical male behaviours around aggressiveness, particularly objectification of women.

I have noticed in either case of interactions with cis men or women, my perceived white maleness signalled to them that I should be prioritized and respected. I do not believe this male privilege can be extracted from my whiteness, and the racial hierarchy that validates and gives power to white, male subjects, specifically. Brown and Black identified trans men, or transmasculine subjects I am sure, suffer from a whole new form of degradation vis a vis processes of racialization and racism as men that are probably difficult to discern from any gender based masculine privileges they may accrue.

This state of affairs of assigned masculine male privilege, though, has been confounded by an ever increasing perception of my person as a feminine male subject. I am pondering on why this has changed, and I believe that since I am now passing for male nearly 100% of the time, I no longer hold myself in the same way physically and expressively that I did while being read as a butch female. I have loosened up and come into a restful relationship with myself and this is taken as femininity. Being read as male has guaranteed that I don't have to keep up any kind of energetic hyper vigilance at proving, creating or asserting a perception of maleness in the face of my contrary appearance.

Now that I have settled into being read as male, I do all the things that I had learned to stop doing before, that come naturally to me. I make eye contact. I tend to look directly at men and women when I speak to them. I look to them preemptively to make connections, visually. I speak softly and expressively. I laugh with a giddy squeak and cry openly. I don't take up much physical space (I am 5'6", 145lbs). If one were to glance at me in comparison to most cis males I would probably be placed in the smallish category. I don't have rugged skin or facial hair, or other socially construed signifiers of maleness such as baldness. My voice is not very deep. The muscular physique that I had as a female is now obscured by notions of my smallness (and significantly, shortness) in stature as a male. I don't do things to physically take up more space in terms of my posture, way of speaking, or choice of dress. I don't hyperexaggerate my masculinity like many short small straight men in order to be "man enough." In fact, my masculine dress preferences, which while read as a butch female signalled gender transgression, are now viewed as gay or flamboyant (fluorescent colours, close fitted jeans and shirts.)

I believe all of these things, coupled with a sense that I am now read as a "pretty," non-rugged male, and hints of womanly femininity that the observer has no clue the source of - have created a situation where I am now obsurdly faced with the opposite side of the misogyny coin - a not so distant cousin of the transmisogyny that trans women face. I pass as male. Yet, I am read as an uncommonly feminine subject, energetically and physically - despite not presenting with androgynous or genderqueer clothing selections. This assigned femininity which I am now mostly experiencing, means that I am once again avoided, diminished, or disregarded non-verbally. It means I am subjected to threats based on my physical gendered appearance. My voice is no longer given priority, my person no longer assigned the same validity of space as hetero-masculine maleness in most contexts. If the reader is confused by this turn of events, imagine my mindset!

All of this, while confusing in terms of the unspoken interactions with others vis a vis my own internal stability and core traits, has got me thinking about the "pull to manhood." As a male subject, having all of the aforementioned experiences, I can definitely see why cis men, especially, are pulled to perform a very particular, aggressive, rigid masculinity that proves they are indeed man enough. If I was a sensitive, soft, straight, cis man, I am quite sure I would have experienced a lifetime of bullying and homophobia as a result of this patriarchal call to uphold masculinity. I wonder how many male subjects answer this call by stifling their softness, their vulnerability, their emotiveness, and their capacity to relate gently to others as a result of this crushing pull.

I wonder at the psychological, emotional, and relational costs to men in giving up a natural way of being that contravenes masculine norms.

The Psychology of Whiteness: Checking Yourself

As someone who navigates the world with the privilege of whiteness, I continue to puzzle over what exactly it is, that functions as a barrier to openness and learning around issues of race as they impact people systemically, and individually. I feel like one of the biggest stumbling blocks for white folks to address racism and work on our allyship with indigenous peoples and folks of colour, is held within the ego. The act of (active) denial, specifically, of racism, seems to be a reinforcing mechanism in whiteness that continually erases and shuts down learning and sensitivity to experiences and realities that do not conform to one's own experiences of access and advantage.

One can only suppose that the function of denial, in such moments, is to protect the fragile ego from the knowledge of complicity (allowing and enabling) racism, either directly or indirectly. In other words, the shame at discovering one has a responsibility they have been neglecting in addressing racism in daily life, coupled with the knowledge of the impact on those who face those very experiences, becomes overwhelming. One then actively takes steps to deny the reality of others so as not to feel a responsibility towards that suffering and grief - even those who may be friends, family, or even partners. There are many excuses that folks who benefit from systems privileging whiteness come up with when faced with the task of being sensitive to the experiences of race and cultural genocide as told by indigenous peoples and folks of colour. We all read and see and hear these excuses all the time. They usually take the form of something like this....

a) Racism does not exist
b) systemic Racism does not exist
c) I do not enact Racism on an individual level either consciously or otherwise
d) I (as an individual) am not responsible for systems of Racism
e) I (as a "white" person) do not receive special benefits because I also experience oppression
f) My feelings are hurt for being Racist.

I want to take a moment to build on the conversations that are happening around accountability and challenging systemic power systems that continually produce traumas and inequities and create a racialized other. I know this knowledge is held in the experiences of people of colour and indigenous folks and that what I am about to write already exists in those knowledges. I am simply hopeful that it can provide another digestible format for understanding and beginning to dismantle these systems.

I think many white folks are afraid or discouraged to engage with anti-racism for fear of doing it wrong, or being wrong, and the subsequent shame around this. But, the fact of the matter is, dismantling systems of power over others which one may inadvertently be a part of and unconsciously help prop up does not take much effort at all. It takes humility. And, a desire to be a responsible human being who is invested in their own and others' personal growth and healing.

A lot of the work that folks with privilege and access can do could possibly be summed up in the following script:

1) Listen up!
2) Be Supportive!
3) Check Yourself!
4) Stand up!

Does this sound difficult? Let's break it down a bit.

1) Listen Up!

This means pay attention! Pay attention to all the information that is conveyed by those with lived experiences of being racialized and the impacts of this. This means seeking out information as much as possible on your own and not asking people with those experiences to teach you. You can become informed simply by paying attention, being sensitive, and actively listening to people's experiences when they choose to speak about them. You can also do your own internet research; seek out blogs by folks writing about these issues; go to bookstores or libraries that carry books on the subjects of white privilege, racism, racialization, colonization etc. Acting with entitlement that folks of colour and indigenous people teach you, is a way that you increase the emotional toll on folks already dealing with oppression in daily life. A simple way you can act responsibly is to do your own learning, continually, and PAUSE, STEP BACK, LISTEN and PROVIDE SPACE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT when folks do choose to speak to you about it.

2) Be Supportive!

Essentially, being supportive means validating experiences of racism and racialization. It means that when you are so lucky as to be part of a conversation in which someone shares their own or another's experience of racism, whether it be on a systemic or individual level, you do not argue whether or not that person experienced what they - in fact, experienced. In arguing, you are seeking to diminish and deny said experience. When someone experiences trauma or violence, the listener's duty is to ensure that the person sharing feels safe enough to continue to share. Being supportive means affirming the weight of experiences of racism and the contexts which provoke them. It means honouring the individual or people for sharing this information with you. It also means vowing to disrupt those actions which feed into experiences of race based trauma and inequity in whichever ways one can, particularly, challenging other white folks to stop speaking and listen.

Which leads to the next point...and perhaps, the most psychologically loaded.

3) Check yourself!

Check your defensiveness. If you are feeling uncomfortable at the possibility of others' experiences of racism - YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK. Listen to that discomfort. Sit with it. Breathe it into your gut, and reflect on the knowledge that this experience is not your own, not about your pain at discovery - and is amplified beyond measure for those actually experiencing racial oppression. Defensiveness may come with the panic of knowing that one has been ignorant to the struggles of others, and feeling helpless in one's power at making changes to alleviate those struggles.
When you acknowledge your discomfort at hearing or learning about racism, you invite the possibility of empowering yourself and others to change these systems. Take a moment to be silent and reflect and resist the urge to speak and insert your experiences or feelings.

4) Stand up! One of the biggest traps of having white privilege is feeling like you can't do anything about it. When we feel like we cannot do things to alleviate unequal power systems based in racial hierarchies (in this instance), we give up opportunities to change those very systems. We allow these systems to continue, unaddressed. We delay and derail the very work that is possible in changing ill systems - enlightening ourselves, and challenging others to do so as well. Change is preceded by acknowledgement. By taking a stand that supports and provides space for the experiences of others and actively challenges denial and silencing of those experiences - we create the opportunity for mass movement. A simple way to stand up is to start affirming the experiences of indigenous folks and people of colour, and start challenging your white friends around their own denial of these experiences.

Checking one's self involves self reflection. It means humbling ones self in accepting the knowledge that one can take action to do the personal work necessary to disrupt systems of inequity that silence and erase others. This means working through the guilt experienced in acknowledging unequal advantages received for whiteness.... and ensuring that guilt does not act to deny and invalidate experiences of racism. A deliberate lifelong commitment to checking one's defensiveness, being sensitive to and affirming other's experiences can begin to challenge the unearned advantages one receives for being white in oppressive systems.

Checking yourself opens you to the possibility of moving away from helplessness, and into action.