Gender Roles and Sexual Demand

As someone who occupies a masculine identity within a trans body which is read as female - someone who ID's as Butch and Trans and various other nouns/adjectives etc... I feel it is necessary to speak for a moment about sexual expectations placed on Butches/Transguys/Tomboys/Boi's and anyone else who occupies a non-traditionally feminine or masculine role within a Butch/Femme or queer masculine/feminine dynamic in the trans and womyn's community.

I think this is an important topic, and one that does not get much consideration in our spaces of thinking, being and acting.

Let's think about, and hold space in our imaginations for a moment, about the sexual expectations that we place on those we are attracted to in our communities. Let us think about what behaviours are acceptable, and unacceptable in our spaces, and in our lives - for us as individuals and collectively, in terms of sexual expectations, unwanted advances, and sexual commodification without consent. Let us think for a moment about what consent means when applied to Butch or Transfolk, and how our expectations may differ based on our relationship to queer, masculine/female or transgender roles, bodies, minds and souls.

I will illustrate several examples of what I mean.

Example #1. First Lesbian Kiss.

At various times in one's experience, it may be possible to become the subject of a concerted effort to be someone's First Kiss. That is to say, their First Lesbian Kiss.

Now, on the surface, such a proposal might seem flattering. A random stranger at a dance party comes up to you, and tells you a story of how his best friend or younger sister came out like three days ago, and how she's been so curious about what it's like to be with a woman, and oh, you would just be such a great person to be her first kiss! Sounds lovely, right? Never mind that you don't ID as a woman.

Well, what happens when you say no? One would hope the asker would accept the response graciously and return to their business of brokering the elusive FLKiss on behalf of that special loved one. But consider, that having a masculine presentation or identity may provide individuals with the implicit licence to disregard even so much as a mild consideration of your comforts, your boundaries, your potential relationship status or negotiated boundaries, your head and heartspace, your relationship to your gendered body, and your desires.

Consider that it is simply not okay to not accept 'no' for an answer. It is not okay, for you or your brother, your gay boyfriend, his cousin, or your ENTIRE circle of girl friends to continue to pursue your object of desire on your behalf after said person has said 'no'. "Oh come on, she just wants a kiss. You are really cute and it would be so great for her." Consider that it is not okay to stalk said person around a nightclub for the express purpose of acquiring the elusive and now forced first kiss. Consider that the Butch or Trans person you have repeatedly asked after stalking and being told 'no' numerous times and ways actually has no obligation to be your first kiss. We have no obligation or duty to make you feel sexy and give up our sexual and personal desires to you, so that you may have a nice story - a feel good memory, or a hot experience.

Example #2. Commodification.

Consider for a moment, that sometimes Butch and Trans people in our communities might experience a bit of commodification in terms of their masculine presentation and the desirability of such. For a moment, let us examine the experience of, on the one hand, having daily micro-aggressions set upon you from moving about the world conducting one's daily business and being constantly assessed, gawked at, harassed, or threatened for one's non-traditional gender expression or presentation in the world.

Think for a moment, of then moving into queer/trans/womyn's spaces where your gender expression or your body and the way you look is now commodified, in short supply, desired, exotified and sexualized, specifically for it's presentation in your community. Think for a moment about what feelings might be experienced by said Butch/Trans/gender non-conforming person when you tell them how coveted they are for their gender presentation, and how lucky they must be to receive all of this status and desire from femmes/others in your community. In our community.

What does it mean when you approach a Butch person, or Trans person with the sole purpose and intent of getting into their pants, and upon hearing a 'no' without any consideration of the needs and preferences thereof, you disappear back into the community you came from - that you share, without ever giving a second thought to the need for said Butch or Trans person to have connections with individuals from their community who could potentially be their friends?

Consider that some identities may be coveted for their sexualization and your attraction to them, and may rarely experience an extension of emotional grace and gentleness around the need to be accepted for their embodied self as a whole, emotional being and full member of our community first and foremost, rather than a hot new person to fuck. What does the interplay of revulsion in dominant societal experiences, coupled with exclusion and exotification for sexual gratification do to a person of a masculine/non-normative gender presentation in your community? What messages does it send to them?

Example #3. The Partnered Butch

Imagine for a moment, that some Butches/Transfolk/Gender Warriors in our community, may be in a relationship with one or more person. Imagine that you have seen them out and about in the community with their partner(s), or even their date, and not knowing the status of their relationship, you have openly sexualized said Butch and tried to pick them up in front of their partner. Sometimes, their femme partner may also be a woman of colour - with you being a white femme. Imagine how invisible the femme partner of said Butch/trans person must feel when they are ignored in interactions as if they did not exist, whilst you carry on flirting with and attempting to pick up said person. You may or may not know the person you're interested in - but it doesn't really matter. You still try to pick them up.

Imagine they have graciously deflected and diplomatically declined your advances due to their relationship status (let alone their desires or interest in you), and you have not seemed to get the message. You would like to get fucked. Preferably sooner, rather than later - regardless of the status of your interest, and their clearly telling you they are not available and/or interested. Imagine the person you desire is trying to keep femme invisibility at the forefront of their diplomatic rejection of your advances in their head and heart spaces as they move through the world and interactions with you. What kind of costs are involved when assumptions are made as to the relationship dynamics of folks you are interested in, in terms of femme solidarity and community?

Example #4. The Proposition.

Regardless of the relationship status of the gender non-conforming individual, it is possible to move through queer, womyn's, and trans spaces and experience not a single conversation of value in terms of openness of dialogue, feelings, thoughts, and personhood - before getting propositioned for sex. It is possible to move through the world as a masculine identified person, on the street, in a club, at the workplace, at conferences, at a restaurant and at events, and be purposely avoided and ignored by the majority of individuals in society at large, whilst simultaneously being sexually propositioned from interested parties without any foreword. Consider that individuals think it is okay to stop you in the street, tell you how sexy they think you are and "Do you wanna fuck?" Well, do you? If you do, that is fine. But, consider if you do not. What effect does this explicit sexualization and propositioning of your person do to your sense of connection to others and possibility for relationships, in the context of exclusion from everyday interactions in dominant society?

Essentially, these interactions, experiences and small examples are meant to provide context for those who might not otherwise think that it is possible to sexually essentialize the Trans/Butch/Non normatively gendered person and what effects this may have on members of our community.

Everyone is entitled to have attractions, flirt, and pick others up. I am simply asking you to think of the consequences some types of actions and expectations might have for people whom you might not have considered were capable of experiencing challenges around respect for their sexual, gendered and emotional being. When we collectively start acknowledging and thinking of these experiences and challenges, we set the stage for consensual, abundant, and connective sexuality that respects individual preferences and diversity.