A Word on Words

Today I enjoyed my first class of human sexuality studies. In a matter of minutes, the Prof summed up his opinions on language and categorization that I have been stewing on for years.

Language is simply inadequate to classify sex, sexuality, sexual orientation, habits, practices, and desires. The terms that we have to describe our sex, gender, and sexuality, are all misleading and incomplete at best, and inaccurate at worst. They are simply what we have arrived at until this moment, when we come up with some better way of understanding the complexity with which we exist and express ourselves.

I still struggle with the terms masculine and feminine. On the one hand, I feel like they have been misaligned with a constructed sexual binary of male and female. Maleness goes with masculinity, femaleness with femininity according to traditional notions. However, it is our social norms that have dictated the resistance to acknowledge and respect the expression of gender identities that do not fall neatly into such either/or categories.

There is also the idea that notions of masculinity and femininity in themselves, are problematic and not able to accurately depict or classify a quality of someone's gender. For example, ideas of masculinity and femininity have also been largely socially constructed and carry oppositional connotations. In fact, neither term would exist without the other to oppositionally define it. Yet, the terms also carry the weight of a patriarchal value system that sees masculine characteristics as positive: namely strong and powerful and the sole domain of certain males, while the notion of femininity has been constructed as negative by association with terms such as soft, sensitive, and gentle, and reserved solely for females.

Thankfully, femininity and masculinity are slowly becoming more acceptable expressions from "opposite" genders, allowing for men to express their "femininity," and women their "masculinity," or some combination thereof. However, this does not cover the entire gender spectrum. And, it also does not challenge the construction of the terms themselves and why certain values have been placed in either category.

One of my biggest struggles as a non-gender conforming, masculine identified person is the reluctance, refusal, and dismissal of my masculinity simply because it is expressed within a "female" body. I place female in quotation marks because what makes someone female or male is not so clear. An excellent, if long, article on sex in sport touches on this lack of clarity and definition of sex: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/11/30/091130fa_fact_levy?currentPage=all

Whichever way one chooses to examine the notion of sex; literally "the divide," whether it be chromosomes, hormones, genitalia, muscle mass or fat distribution, body hair, etc., there is no clear division. Each of us carries estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone in varying amounts, with some normative distribution for sure. But the combination of factors producing one's body characteristics and internal sense of self with regards to gender are probably as individual as the person.

So, why the big resistance to acknowledging my "masculine" traits as A) existing, and B) a positive thing? Why do I have to be lumped in with "ladies" when clearly I am about the farthest thing from one? Any trip down Granville St. or jaunt to GM Place for a concert will reveal that I clearly don't fit in with the "ladies." I suppose there is often the polite assumption that referring to someone's masculinity while they inhabit a female body may be offensive, yet to me it is offensive when people do everything they can to overlook that presentation.

I went shoe shopping a few months ago for boots, was staring at the men's boots and asking questions about sizes available. The well meaning store clerk said that the size I was looking for was not available, but that there were some options on the women's side of the store. She literally pointed to an array of high topped, pointy toed, stilettos and said that I might be interested to check them out. I ask myself in such moments: "Is this person from Mars?" Honestly, what in my appearance would suggest that I would ever own a pair of such boots, save for a rare drag performance? My response to her was, "Actually, I don't wear women's shoes." She seemed tongue tied and didn't know what to say, so I offered "I'm actually okay with my masculinity, ya know?" to which she replied, "Oh yeah, I've got this sweater that is kind of bigger and long sleeved. Yeah totally."

I guess the point is, why are so many folks threatened by cross-gendered individuals using accurate terms to define themselves? Even within the queer community, there is much refusal and dismissal of the validity of trans and gender non-conforming identity to have access to words that are traditionally reserved for those within the gender binary. I can be in a room filled with lesbians, and it is assumed that I am a "sister." And if I chose to out myself as something other than "she," crickets might be heard emerging from couch cushions.

My challenge to anyone reading this and who is reluctant to provide space for and respect someone's true gender identity is this: ask that person how they prefer to be addressed, and don't assume how they identify. This goes a long way to providing support and space for identities that are so often made invisible and shameful.