For the past two years, I have seen my evolution in the eyes of others reflected back at me in ways that I can only make meaning of as enlightening, and disturbing. My trajectory into being read as a male subject has been, shall we say....interesting.
There seem to be at least two distinct things going on here: 1) being read as a 'str8, masculine, able-bodied, white man' and, 2) being increasingly read as an effeminate, gay, able-bodied, white, male. The latter has been increasingly made known to me by the regularity with which I have been approached or shouted (even spat) at with terms such as "pretty boy faggot," regardless of which city or context I am in. Here at home in Toronto, and abroad, it seems that my presentation as a male subject has taken a turn from acceptance at perceived/assigned manhood, to being degraded for my perceived femininity. I will touch on the latter, momentarily.
Early on in my transition, I became aware that folks that did not know me, particularly what I perceived to be heteronormative, straight, masculine, men, had drastically shifted their reception of me. Being perceived initially, and now only some of the time as a hetero-masculine, straight subject resulted in noticeable changes socially and interpersonally, resulting in my absorption into the Western-Anglo patriarchal system.
I noticed something had changed when men started touching me. Strangers. The kind of men who would generally react in hostility or indifference to my very presence as what they read to be a butch female person, previously. Suddenly, these men started to see me as "one of their own." These times that I am perceived to be "one of the boys," are very confusing to me.
From inhabiting a visibly genderqueer, butch expression, I had been accustomed to being pushed to the margins in terms of human interaction in everyday life. When you are read as a gender non-conforming "woman," you are treated in a very particular way. From my experience, as someone that inhabited an uncommonly muscular, male-ish physique, wearing tattoos, and shaved/close cropped haircuts and "men's" clothing while not passing as male, it was regularly assumed that I was de facto, an aggressive person. My masculinity was read to be hostility directed outwards at society, particularly at men. I'm sure many theses have been written on why this is so, and I have my own interesting thoughts relating to this subject. Being read as a hostile subject by way of my gender presentation most people would interact with me with a pre-emptive defensive, or aggressive communication. Otherwise, silence, staring, or disregard were the norm in everyday life.
Since then, as I have come into my self as a more visible male-appearing subject, the expression that I previously embodied as butch, temporarily landed me in the category of 'masculine man.' This is not how I identify, it is simply how I was perceived. When strangers, especially men, first set their gaze upon me in this new shell they tended to see a reflection of themselves. Oddly, the qualities that make up my person have always been centered around gentleness, compassion, and a reluctance to take up space; to be more the silent observer, or the background organizer. Having been perceived as a gender transgressor previously, had unwittingly placed me in the cross hairs of most people's narrow views. A subject of unwanted attention and scorn.
This was then flipped to an unearned place of approval, and esteem. Men who would have previously felt threatened by my very presence, instinctively placed their hands on my body as signs of acceptance and comraderie. They engaged and started conversations and small talk with me around whatever it was that was on their minds. They looked at me. They assumed and imbued my person with an unearned respect and validity that I rarely experienced from very few, sensitive, and aware, mostly queer men. In essence, they let their guard down around me and invited me into a realm of space that prioritizes my opinions, experience, and voice.
Interactions with cisgender straight women also shifted momentarily. From similary hostile, distancing, and strained relations previously, I was prioritized as a subject worthy of taking up unearned space. My presence drew immediate attention and validation, as well as responsiveness. If I wanted something, I barely had to ask for it to get it. Again, I am thinking of everyday interactions and transactions that one makes from travelling through the world. I was presumed to be knowledgeable, powerful, capable, and worthy. I was expected to be aggressive and given permission and acceptance for stereotypical male behaviours around aggressiveness, particularly objectification of women.
I have noticed in either case of interactions with cis men or women, my perceived white maleness signalled to them that I should be prioritized and respected. I do not believe this male privilege can be extracted from my whiteness, and the racial hierarchy that validates and gives power to white, male subjects, specifically. Brown and Black identified trans men, or transmasculine subjects I am sure, suffer from a whole new form of degradation vis a vis processes of racialization and racism as men that are probably difficult to discern from any gender based masculine privileges they may accrue.
This state of affairs of assigned masculine male privilege, though, has been confounded by an ever increasing perception of my person as a feminine male subject. I am pondering on why this has changed, and I believe that since I am now passing for male nearly 100% of the time, I no longer hold myself in the same way physically and expressively that I did while being read as a butch female. I have loosened up and come into a restful relationship with myself and this is taken as femininity. Being read as male has guaranteed that I don't have to keep up any kind of energetic hyper vigilance at proving, creating or asserting a perception of maleness in the face of my contrary appearance.
Now that I have settled into being read as male, I do all the things that I had learned to stop doing before, that come naturally to me. I make eye contact. I tend to look directly at men and women when I speak to them. I look to them preemptively to make connections, visually. I speak softly and expressively. I laugh with a giddy squeak and cry openly. I don't take up much physical space (I am 5'6", 145lbs). If one were to glance at me in comparison to most cis males I would probably be placed in the smallish category. I don't have rugged skin or facial hair, or other socially construed signifiers of maleness such as baldness. My voice is not very deep. The muscular physique that I had as a female is now obscured by notions of my smallness (and significantly, shortness) in stature as a male. I don't do things to physically take up more space in terms of my posture, way of speaking, or choice of dress. I don't hyperexaggerate my masculinity like many short small straight men in order to be "man enough." In fact, my masculine dress preferences, which while read as a butch female signalled gender transgression, are now viewed as gay or flamboyant (fluorescent colours, close fitted jeans and shirts.)
I believe all of these things, coupled with a sense that I am now read as a "pretty," non-rugged male, and hints of womanly femininity that the observer has no clue the source of - have created a situation where I am now obsurdly faced with the opposite side of the misogyny coin - a not so distant cousin of the transmisogyny that trans women face. I pass as male. Yet, I am read as an uncommonly feminine subject, energetically and physically - despite not presenting with androgynous or genderqueer clothing selections. This assigned femininity which I am now mostly experiencing, means that I am once again avoided, diminished, or disregarded non-verbally. It means I am subjected to threats based on my physical gendered appearance. My voice is no longer given priority, my person no longer assigned the same validity of space as hetero-masculine maleness in most contexts. If the reader is confused by this turn of events, imagine my mindset!
All of this, while confusing in terms of the unspoken interactions with others vis a vis my own internal stability and core traits, has got me thinking about the "pull to manhood." As a male subject, having all of the aforementioned experiences, I can definitely see why cis men, especially, are pulled to perform a very particular, aggressive, rigid masculinity that proves they are indeed man enough. If I was a sensitive, soft, straight, cis man, I am quite sure I would have experienced a lifetime of bullying and homophobia as a result of this patriarchal call to uphold masculinity. I wonder how many male subjects answer this call by stifling their softness, their vulnerability, their emotiveness, and their capacity to relate gently to others as a result of this crushing pull.
I wonder at the psychological, emotional, and relational costs to men in giving up a natural way of being that contravenes masculine norms.
