I was standing there at the wedding. It was the end of the night and I was stone sober, patiently awaiting my turn to scribe in the book of emotions and well wishes. The woman ahead of me was as drunk as everyone else by this hour, looked over at me unsteadily, smiled mid script and exclaimed "You! I have something to say to you. Don't go anywere."
I braced myself. For some reason change in itself seems to provoke unwanted invitations for commentary of all sorts. Public commentary on very private experiences, that because they are now visible to the naked eyes of strangers somehow escape any notions of social etiquette.
The woman finished her message and came over and draped herself around me, giving me a wet kiss on the corner of my mouth. She was beaming and pulled back and said, "I haven't seen you in a couple years. What's your name?" I responded. "You look AMAZING. Truly, you just look so wonderful and so grounded, and like you've really come into yourself." I thanked her. Then her middle aged masculine dyke friend and presumed date joined her at her side. The woman felt it important to introduce us. I smiled through clenched jaw. "Linda, this is Xander. Xander used to be a WOMAN, and now he is a MAN. A beautiful man." The dyke friend smiled awkwardly. I returned her awkward smile, nodded, wished them a wonderful evening and excused myself.
There is something that happens for trans people when we begin to physically and socially come into ourselves more. Friends, acquaintances, family and strangers alike are very curious about this "transition". They want to know what the end point is. They make a point of telling me so. "So, are you going ALL THE WAY?" "Are you going to FULLY TRANSITION?" 'What's your END POINT?" "Are you going to get THE SURGERY?"
Wow! Those are very bold questions - questions that may or may not have anything to do with how I am living my life and feeling good in it. Though I believe in the power of sharing, obviously, since I write about my experiences, I like to be in control of how, what, and when I share. I like to know who my audience is. I don't like to be placed on stage, or at the podium without my consent. And did anyone stop to think that their curiosity does not trump my very private emotional experiences? Yes, many do. Thank-you to those who do.
But the questions around transition, what it is going to look like, and this idea of being born in the wrong body and travelling to the other end of the spectrum as a common point of social understanding... simply don't do trans people any justice in terms of actually understanding our experiences. Yes there are people assigned one sex at birth who then transition into the "opposite sex." And then, there are many more individuals of trans experience who were assigned a social sexual category at birth, and are now becoming ourselves. OURSELVES. Self-hood defies language. How would you define your spirit? Would your essence have a gender? When you describe the inherent qualities of your self.... are they gender specific? I imagine they are not. The same can be said for my experience of my gender identity. My corporeal, spiritual, emotional, social, intellectual, and sexual being cannot be summed up in the idea of transitioning from one gender to another.
It's just not that simple, even though I know many would like it to be. So let's abandon this idea of a quasi-standard framework for sex change. When I am introduced non-consensually as someone who was "once a woman" and is "now a man" I am being completely erased for my personhood, once again. And as those around me smile and nod their acceptance of these concepts, they still fail to see me. They have replaced one misguided set of assumptions for another. I never was a woman. I am not a man. I am me. You could call this some sort of transition.
Or you could simply call it a liberation of my soul for all to see.
