I feel like I've spent a lifetime in existential angst.
Perhaps this is why androgynous, bigendered, intersexed, Two-spirited and transfolk have been regarded in ancient times, as well as today in some cultures as occupying a place of spiritual wisdom.
Being born into a world where one's signals are eternally misread, designified, or regarded with hostility can force a level of introspection and investigation into the soul which few individuals have the need to tread through.
A good friend of mine once asked me, "You know, I never understood why you care what other people think? What does it matter how they react to you? Just be yourself."
Indeed, just being oneself is a complex project when that self is perpetually scrutinized and erased. The process of self expression can become a colossal task burdened with unconscious stifling and burial to the depths of which remain unseen for one's lifetime, only to be uncovered by a realization of the removal and disconnection of that self from significant relationships, social situations, and reality itself.
I did not have a language for why I experienced such a degree of detachment, social anxiety and discomfort. I did not know that my self was being misrepresented. That I had moved so far away from myself that I no longer knew how to relate to others. It is still a struggle. I did not know that the reason I tuned out of so many conversations and interactions was because the nature of sharing which occurred revolved around a binary of experiences that I was not a part of. That I can never be a part of.
Introductions are especially difficult. At which point of establishing a new relationship do you enter the difficult territory of Pronouns or Gender 101? Particularly with individuals outside of the oh-so-comfortable Queer Bubble? I've taken to the task of identifying my preference for address as soon as possible, in order to establish early on the way I should be perceived. The way that respects me and sets the tone for undoing all manner of assumptions and ladyfication. Assumptions which continuously seek to emasculate and reify with universal womanhood.
However, this is not always an opportune event. In class introductions, for example, attaching an add-on to my name which does little to explain my gender is likely to alienate, rather than provoke understanding. I would rather not feel further alienated. And yet, the alternative is to wait for correction. This is also highly problematic, as assumptions carry steam and move forward without my consent. So, which is the less awkward?
This task becomes especially tricky when one is attracted to queer women, and even simply in navigating queer circles where gender has yet to hit the radar, or is trapped in ideals of certain identities. I often wish that all members of the queer community somehow just *got it.* That there exists a readily available pool of folks who can just see my being for what it is without having to explain, explain, correct, correct, and explain. This has been complicated by the struggle on my part to even find suitable language to begin with. I have found that none exists. The closest thing to being suitable is neutral or third party references such as "they." Yet, no matter how many times one asserts pronouns and gender preferences.... even in queer circles "she's" and "lady's" crop up. Each assumption and misstep, after a lifetime of existential crisis, rediscovery, and precarious self assertion, unwittingly comes with a feeling of being winded. A kick to the chest.
I am not blaming folks for getting it wrong. For tripping up when we have all been conditioned to "she" and "he" and nothing more. It is understandable that in the process of self discovery, finding oneself and asserting identity with limited pronouns that friends, family and strangers alike might feel confusion as to what is appropriate at any given moment. What I am saying is that relapsing to the binary does come with emotional consequences. Consequences which unfortunately still have to be managed in the time that society rediscovers the diversity of gender and learns what to do with it.
In creating our selves in our own image, finding language and using it in a way that suits us individually - we come to self determination. This journey through existential angst does provide benefit. The resulting array of gender fabulous people and identities that are busting the norms means that each individual person, gay/straight/cis/bio/trans may explore what their gender means to them and take steps to embrace it. Hell, to even flaunt it.
Existential angst has its privileges.
