A Youthful Gaze

I recently wrapped up a gig in which part of my job involved teaching young kids how to make healthy life choices and cope with decisions around drug and alcohol use.

The thing is, when I started this work two years ago I had little experience with children. To be honest, they frightened me. I don't know why. Perhaps, it has something to do with my own connection to childhood.

My mother actually had a daycare for many years in the house, but I avoided it at all costs. To my mind, children and the act of having one were associated intricately with this idea of womanliness. Mothering is essentially one of *the* most womanly acts. And since I never saw myself as a woman, the idea of conception and, therefore, this motherly connection to babies always kept me at a distance from children. I never wanted to be associated with that idea of woman and her role. And furthermore, I just simply couldn't relate to that way of being that mothers seem to have. Of course, the father role was simply unthinkable. There were no such role models available.

A few years ago, I was driving around Vancouver doing outreach and as we drove past a school yard I instinctively cringed at the sounds of children in the playground. I asked myself why? Why would joyous, raucous happy kid sounds be disturbing to me? How odd. I figured I needed to give myself permission to be a kid, in order to relate to kids.

Flash forward to working with 10 and 12 year olds. There was one day I was waiting outside the classroom with skateboard in hand. A little boy approached and said: "Umm, can I ask you a question?" "Yes, sure" I said. "What is it?"

"Are you a boy or a girl?" "Well," I said, "That's a personal question and some people might not be comfortable to answer. But, what I can tell you is - I am who I am."

"Oh," he said. "Okay." And with that, he turned and went back about his business. I couldn't help but think the little guy, despite his innocence, knew he was asking a provocative question and was wanting to see my reaction. I actually was amazed at his gall. Although his question was valid, it reminded me of my early schoolyard experiences and I immediately was transported back to grade school. Little did I know that as a 30 year old, standing up in front of classrooms filled with children would create such discomfort around my gender.

There is something about the youthful gaze - that unselfconscious curiosity that openly and earnestly gawks at things that don't fit or make sense, that I wasn't prepared for as an adult cross gendered minority educator. I was affected by their gaze like a specimen in a lab.

Gender roles in elementary school are still very binary, and very few children have been exposed to a masculine presenting, female appearing person. Naturally, they would be curious. Some would whisper to each other. Others would stare aloofly. Some wouldn't care. Others would be subtly avoidant.

The impact of putting myself out there into a youth context for consumption by their gaze had an unexpected effect on me. I felt like I was 8 yrs old again, only this time I wasn't hiding my gender. I was living it for my peers to see. And, see they did.

Out of the many children I became acquainted with during this time, I realized this act of underlying live education was probably the most valuable aspect of my presentation. Sure, teaching kids how to manage their emotions and deal with peer pressure to use substances was important. But, showing them someone who doesn't fit in and who presents an alternative way of being in the world, might have impacted them more than I will know. And perhaps it is the greater contribution.

For that, it was worth it.

Gender Trouble and Celebrity: MJ

A few years ago, I became fascinated with the spectacle of MJ. I don't need to spell out his name and add to the spectacle, you know who I mean. This was before the trial and after his downward spiral. Things were clearly falling apart, literally.

I developed this morbid curiosity in the devouring of the man's face at his own hands. I studied him. Wondered what possessed him. How could someone who had achieved such heights of stardom, celebrity, power and attention have developed such bizarre coping skills?

Upon his untimely death, it has not escaped me that indeed, MJ presented as highly genderqueer. Androgynous. A multiplicity of gender. Coincidentally or not, a continuum of race. People constantly speculated: "He went from a Black man, to a White woman." WTF?

Out of all the puzzles left behind, this feminization of his appearance and the unsettling conclusions drawn: "He's homosexual. Asexual. A pedophile. A pervert. Low life" need attention.

From early photos we can see the slow revealing of feminine accoutrements and presentation. There is the slight stature. Delicate poses. Makeup. More makeup. Excessive makeup. Lipstick. Blush. More lipstick. Long hair. Fake lashes, eye liner. Yes, MJ was not the only rock star to play with his femininity. Take a look through the '70s and '80s especially and you will have a hard time defining certain performers by their gender.

The difference with MJ, was the fact that while he was changing his appearance and face especially, he was countering these changes with upping his masculine quotient. A stronger jawline. More pronounced cleft. Stubble. Seemingly at odds with the aforementioned softening of features.

The duality of the man was apparent. Had it not been for a lack of breast implants and sturdy chin, he most certainly would pass for a woman. He played with his gender, openly, even if he did not know it (or perhaps, acknowledge it openly). Now, the question is, how were these changes perceived by the public at large? Of course, there have been mixed responses. Cruel jokes and comments have repeatedly been made. Documentaries on his freakishness and supposed antics, some of which were provocative, others fabricated for industry, abound.

I would argue that aside from the lightening of his skin which I don't wish to debate - but, has given the audience licence to speculate he hated himself and his race - his growing expression of femininity was a main source of ridicule, explicit or not. People say it all went downhill with the Bad video. While at once it was palatable to the White masses to have a softer, soulful Black artist crooning without fear of daughters, girlfriends, and wives fleeing for his overpowering manliness - what once was a ticket in to racial power - backfired. It was okay to be soft and neutered, but to be outright feminine, well that's just fucked. What a freak.

Needless to say, MJ was not the first and won't be the last to play with his gender. And arguably, perceptions of his race are equally if not more powerful in manipulating his demise. However, I do think it's worthy of attention, when one plays with their gender outside the rules, particularly a black man with mega money, celebrity and power, to witness the license with which this man has been and continues to be openly degraded.

RIP, MJ.